transparent nr dad was in town for less than two days. dad yesterday: maybe i can drop by and see you tomorrow. me yesterday: that would be nice, i'll let you know how i'm feeling. me today: you can come by later if it works, i'd be up for a drink on the patio or something. [brother and sister-in-law who he's staying with] can come too. dad: okay, i'm at the baseball game, i'll check in after. dad, checking in at 11pm: sorry. game went long. finally got back to [brother's] place and then i'm being picked up at 7am tomorrow. are you feeling any better? me: i'm managing, thanks. wait, you just got back now? (thinking maybe they went for dinner afterwards or something) dad: no, got back awhile ago but [sister-in-law] has to leave for work at 5:30am tomorrow, so spent a bit of time with her (she made brownies while we were at the game). i should have texted you earlier but didn't open my phone until a little while ago. yeah... sorry to break it to you, dad, but you do need to use your phone to text. and i know how important brownies are to you. and how [sis-in-law] is too, even though you saw her at lunch today (the lunch i had to miss out on due to the pain my body is in), oh and also at the HOUSE YOU ARE STAYING AT WITH HER. maybe you thought it wasn't as important right now because you're coming back at the end of the month for longer, but priorities are what they are. and i don't count on much then either. i'm not surprised, but sometimes it would be nice to be pleasantly so. 251005 ... ancasa.reyn i had a conversation tonight with my older brother's former wife. it was a long one as we haven't spoken in probably six months. as is our custom, we talked about our families, both current and past, and about how we become who we are—the ways in which we are like our parents... or not. these are things i've thought—and sometimes written—about for a long time. while my own failures as a husband (or lover) and father and brother are influenced or tinged by my parents' relationship or theirs with me and my brothers, or the relationships between me and my brothers, i've tended to not blame my shortcomings on them. i can't deny, though, that those relationships were my training grounds; unlearning those behaviours is hard. my mom was a cold fish who was driven to excel at everything she did at the expense of her relationships. my dad was a working stiff who often drank to excess and angered quickly during the first half of his life but who eventually mellowed out. i can't help but believe that the way my parents treated me and my brothers also was behavior they'd learned. actions create reactions which create reactions and on and on and on. too often there is no growth. no apologies. like concrete, minds set. mindsets. not long after my wife and i split, which was not long after my older brother and his wife split, and which was concurrent with my younger brother's marital troubles, my mom and i had a conversation in which she said, in possibly the only moment of vulnerability she'd displayed to me, "i should have been more affectionate with you kids when you were little." i said, "mom, you did the best you could." sometimes, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want to be better, we can only do the best we can. which is not to let anyone, including me, off the hook. a few years ago, while meeting up with a friend in chicago, i told her something i'd recently learned about myself: the reason i get teary-eyed while watching certain movies. i get emotional because i'm watching something that has been—or is—missing from my life: strong emotional bonds with family members or lovers or friends. an intimacy i wish i could have. sometimes, though, that threshold is just so damned daunting and our—my—weaknesses win out. 251006 what's it to you? who go blather from