the_van bijou i think girls usually go thru this stage in their life much earlier than twenty years old. but i only lost it this year, and i guess i thought i had some catching up to do. god. the sexiest boy i know. not in that conventional way. you know how i am. i like them thin and dirty. he has the most intense eyes i have ever seen. and we have always flirted. so, so innocent i always thought. his girlfriend is one of my close friends. they both live in another town but we all keep in touch. he came out to hang out with josh, steph and i for steph's birthday. i was teetering on my barstool before midnight and we walked from bar to bar, gripping each other tightly around the waist. that last shot of whiskey pushed me over the edge and i barely made it to the bathroom before spewing a good forty dollars worth of alchohol all over the stall. i blew my nose and chewed a peice of gum. we walked home, josh and stephanie glaring at each other with what could be loosely interpreted as an intese hatred. we, on the other hand, were hands and faces and lips and teeth, smiles and laughs and suggestive glances. i still thought we were innocent. i thought we were the same. i thought you weren't really a scumbag like you say, that was just part of the show. you are the g.g. allin of the group, the wildly doomed rockstar who is all about the show but all human and vulnerable inside. he played the tape. first he recorded the drums. then the bass. then the guitars. then the vocals. he did it all himself, seven songs in a day and a half. now i know where the talent in this group is. we sat on josh's bed. you know. the one with the window. and we became less and less the same. as we walked out of the bedroom as everyone else went to bed steph said "be careful, you two." i said "what?" "nevermind," she said. i pretended to sleep as i laid my head in his lap. and oh, his touch. this boy is a genious. he stroked my face and my neck and my ear with his whole hand like he had never felt skin before, like he had never touched another girl. he kissed me like he couldn't breathe by himself. then he whispered hoarsely in my ear "i want to fuck you." oh god. what have i done. somehow i know it was my idea to go out to the van. the big brown van they bought just before the last tour. "i can't do this. it's not right. i love your girlfriend." he knew i did. he loved her too. he still wanted to be with her. but christ. i suppose it was too much for my drunken logic. i wanted him bad. so we did it. it was dirty and quick. it was the best i ever had. so what now. how can i face her ever again? after she tells me all the time how much she loves me, how i'm the greatest person in the world. the greatest peice of shit, maybe. 020128 what's it to you? who go blather from