self_mutilation guitar_freak I used so many chemicals that I dulled my self to a point of nothingness. I felt no emotion at all. I figured that I would cut myself in order to feel pain. Pain is a feeling and since I wasn't feeling ANYTHING it felt good because I finally felt something. So that is how it started. Now, how do i quit? It is as addictive as any drug I've ever taken. I've been off drugs for a long time but I can't give up this. I still don't know how to define happiness or pain or pleasure or good or bad. I just don't know what it feels like. I feel as if I confused my brain by producing pleasure or happiness with a razorblade. I can't talk about it with people because it isn't exactly the most socially acceptable addiction. I just want to be able to get my brain to think pleasure and pain are not one in the same. How do you rewire your thinking? I just don't know. 030714 ... jane sorry can't help i need to do the same 030716 ... psychobabe indeed....we all do in some little way. hmmm self mutilation. Such an easy way to know you can still feel something when you think you cant feel at all. Drugz are the same, but damn this is hard to quit. Not strong enough.. 030716 ... erogenous i washed my hands with dishsoap. they had scratches on them that stung. now my skin feels like parchment. like it's streched to it's limits. everytime i move my hand. 030716 ... erogenous skin skin. 030716 ... unhinged it's been almost a year; i think i finally may have grown out of it for good. 060128 ... unhinged my old itch wanted scratched today 060405 ... unhinged it's been so long i can't remember exactly. i think i finally killed that demon. last week it was unseasonably warm. my skin got splotchy with it; i don't react well to warm weather. i was in the bathroom washing my hands when i noticed the geometric designs i had carved in my left forearm a different life time ago. most days, they are another shade of white on some of the palest skin in my body next to the purple and green of my veins. my skin was pink that day. the white hexagons like the surface of a soccer ball or the triangles or the parallel lines; i could see every single one. they didn't mean much. i'm a different person now. they don't mean much to me anymore. but, i was sad. i felt a bit sorry for myself. that i used to need to hurt myself. it was also a relief; i could see every single one. they didn't mean much anymore. 070318 ... tilt i forget i even used to. 070319 ... tilt such is the pleasure of a shared_soul 070319 ... tilt i was never creative enough to draw patterns. i don't know if i still have physical scars. i think they've faded into nothing by now. 070319 ... unhinged i get tattoos now instead. i would have a lot more of them if i still lived in milwaukee 140814 what's it to you? who go blather from