iron_eden_garden_demon this should be rillian i'm not going to worry. i have a friend who is a cop. i know a boy who looks like jesus. you say,"i have to go away to find myself." i say,"i have to come home to find myself." 031217 ... unhinged hardened paradise growing nightmare i floated in fantasies now crushed by living. hope and expectations play me for a fool. i want, i need, i thirst. life denies me; he is going back to prison soon. years ahead of me, the only man that claims to really see me, hits me in the heart with 'you are my bodhisattva' and i can't bring myself to call him. i am practicing for the future when we will share the same nightmare. locked up, alone, thirsty. 170108 ... unhinged (wait, he is the only one that wants to really see me. seemingly, all the others had their own agenda, needs, that didn't include what i hide away that needs coaxed into the open. lust_hurts because it is a denial of any deeper meaning. i beg for someone to look deeper but am misunderstood. he is the only one that wants to see me but is always running away. words are inadequate; his plea deal isn't good enough so he wants to force a trial. I can't help thinking a jury will punish him worse in that german town where the cold weather and social engineering make everyone empathyless and mean. ten years is too long for my heart to bear. what happens when a jury gives the maximum 93 years? this is the part of the story you never see in the news...the trail of hearts left behind when we punish people for wanting to numb the heartbreak of being unseen and unheard. i see no point in this. futility holds me down. this life has made it clear that no one will listen when i say no. not many ears able to hear when my heart screams, not many hearts that care to notice or acknowledge beyond their own wants, needs, thirst. futility holds me down. i see no point in action. the pain comes back regardless, inexolerable.) 170108 ... unhinged collateral_damage 170621 what's it to you? who go blather from