confidence
flux is that it? i remember this feeling.
will it still be here when i awake?
061116
...
native persimmon Why am I the only one to be doing this? Why does no one else clammer to join in making similar decisions?

perhaps I'd rather their decisions to be mine as_well, but can't apply them to me so they stick. These things they represent with hips, coffee, gaudy patent leather, Klimt - I half-heartedly reach but know having such things alongside me would add weight
061118
...
unhinged when i left the house today, i realized i swagger now.



it is the spring time
it is my amazing big sunglasses
it is my newfound skinniness
(the most of my adult life)
it is the hip_hop
and free_tequila

if you would have told me five
ten years ago
this is where i'd be
i wouldn't have believed you
100305
...
cr0wl keep on swaggerin' 100306
...
unhinged sometimes
i run across someone
that i feel
i can be myself with



i don't care about hiding anymore
the mask doesn't fit

i'm too old for this shit
belligerence
100307
...
PeeT Actually, I think I can live without the captured spirit of a fallen warrior in my house. 120104
...
nr i just found this jeff tweedy quote and it resonated with me:

ďI feel like Iím a lot more confident, but I still embrace the fact that I am pretty vulnerable, if that makes any sense. I donít have to be somebody else. I donít have to be as good as somebody else, I just have to keep making stuff that I am excited by. That is one of the only things I have had control over. I am more aware of it ó I am more aware of the things that I have control over."

i think this hit the nail on the head in explaining what i've learned about confidence. being confident doesn't mean being sure of yourself all the time; it just means being okay with the way you are, insecurities and all. and awareness of control is super important, and when you feel you have a grasp on it, it's one of the most freeing things.

we can talk about regression at another time. i'm sure tweedy has a quote about it somewhere.
150421
...
nr this is becoming more and more important the older i get.

people need to be secure enough in themselves to express, or at least hint at, what they want, even if they're unsure other people will want the same thing. we can't always rely on other people to make the move(s). if nobody ever has the guts to express anything, how will anybody ever get anything?
151218
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from