i_read_myself Lovers Lament I read myself In all these shattered lines Empty promises, emptier lies. As a person who thought they were strong Took so long to realize I was wrong And gone away from the real me Couldn't see a way out of the pain So I poured myself like rain down a gutter Giving myself to anyone to have another day without having to think Drink to forget, drink to remember Drink to tear my memories asunder Drink just to drink and put myself aside All the ways I thought I was alive When inside I was dead and hiding. In my head I was a power, a force My course decided by the decisions I thought I made on my own Being me at that time wasn't safe or sane - Even to myself I was unknown My actions were indeed mine, but made out of pain and ignorance I got a second chance to be the person I should have been from the beginning Not putting so much stock on winning as just finishing the race With as much grace as I could muster Even if I had to bluster my way through most of it And cruising high I couldn't see the line Or walk it straight, without a stumble Without missing a pace How do I compare that life to this? There is so much I miss about myself from back then The naive collection of my heart's every whim is here to read Defection from love, from friendships, from the truth of myself The need to be someone to anyone is plain in the pages I wrote from Hell Pages of sex, drugs, abuse, and alcohol - why would I want to go back to it all? I took a wrecking ball to my life, my world, But it's not the destruction that I yearn to be in again, it's that little girl The one that held unfurled potential waiting to be born I mourn the losses of chances to be better I've worn the letters of these pages for years Fearing only tears and heartache Never looking too closely in the mirror And how I wish I could go back through the looking glass To that past to tell myself that the wounds I inflicted on myself would heal That real love and compassion existed And not the twisted form of "loving" abuse I subjected myself to I wish I knew then what I know now How to get through the days without debasing myself How to get through the hours without hating myself How to get through the seconds without erasing myself One line at a time. I read myself, and I can't believe what I read is mine. 150221 what's it to you? who go blather from