expecting_someone lux i had just finished masturbating in bed, about to attempt sleep, when he called to ask if i was having insomnia. i lied and said, "of course," because i knew he wasn't very far away. i got out of bed and pulled on some clothes, and braided my hair, and as i sat down to wait, he called again and told me mickey wanted him to visit the bar. so he would have one drink and come after that. any excuse to make me wait... so i waited, knowing that i had to be up much earlier than usual, hoping i'd made the right choice by not going to the bar too. and unfortunately, lewis got home before, and said, "expecting someone?" in his creepy bug-eyed way, like i would be cheating on him if i was. and i said yes, politely, but dismissively. go away, i thought. i didn't want them to see each other. but (of course!) he showed up shortly thereafter, and they had to shake hands and do the dude thing, even though it was after 1am and there was really no need for formalities. and lewis went into his room, and he sat down on the couch, covering his new pants in dog hair, and me being jealous of his new pants, and his new shoes, and his new truck, and all that money his wife just inherited for having the same last name as some stranger who died. and how before that, there was a chance he'd smother her and run away with me, maybe to mexico, maybe to monterey, maybe just to the west egg of our little town. that's enough of that. those fantasies are long gone. anyway. we sat on the couch, and i mostly listened to him talk. i knew he had indulged and bought some cocaine, because i can tell by the way he moves his jaw around that he's snorted some. i always hated the way he snorted, how he wiped up the excess on his other hand - rather carelessly, really - and licked his palms like he was going to make a promise. i hated the taste of the cocaine on his fingers when i put them in my mouth. but i still longed to put them in my mouth, even knowing they were coated with that horrific taste. i was hoping if i hung out enough in tight pants that showed off my ass, walked away from him enough times, that he would remember why he found me so irresistible in the first place, and he would start groping me and stick his tongue down my throat, and eventually other places. i was determined not to make the move. and so, nothing happened. after all that talking, all that listening, all that wanting him to reach out and touch me, he said, "well, i better get going. it's after 3." and i watched him come towards me and give me a kiss, and asked for a little more, and he kissed me again, and slipped a little tongue, and it made me embarrassingly swoony, and then i let him go. and i hate myself for that. i hate myself for letting him come over in the first place, for sitting there and listening when i didn't give a shit anymore, for every emphysemic gasp of air between every sentence, for the woman who has ruined him in almost every sense, for keeping this secret for so many years, for not speaking my mind anymore, and for swooning when i promised myself i would never again. and for letting him go, without making him do something, just for me. 120320 ... PeeT . 120321 what's it to you? who go blather from