you_re_not_real_and_you_can_t_save_me iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i don't really know you i have an idealised version of you, where i don't hear the negative, scary comments that you say, where i only hear what i want you to be saying. the bubble burst, and now i can hear what you've been saying all along. i know you love me i know you aren't in love with me. i know it's too late, maybe it was never an option. i already wrote all about this. i think this, rethink it and rethink it again. you're always in my thoughts but i'm not in love with you. i really really thought i was but i can't remember enough to say if you were or not. probably because it was so painful, and the human mind/body/whatever doesn't remember pain. damnit why did i waste all this time? why am i still thinking about it? part of me was so tempted, even though i know it would be wrong. i would end up hating you, you would probably hate me too. i would blame you for taking from me something i consider very precious. somthing i clung to throughout my life so far. it's too big a deal to me anyway, you don't see it as anything big, more like a casual hobby i think. you couldn't go through with it anyway right? and no, it's not me. yeah ok. these were the things i decided not to hear, but time and time again you proved to me the truth of what you were saying. next time i'll accept the words you say. it's easier that way, less painful. once i thought you were the one, and there are some areas of that that i can't bear to question just yet. i don't wan't to know to what extent i've deluded myself for so long. goodbye, sweet illusion, i guess i never really knew the person underneath the same way. we all see people the way we want to, i think. it's sad that there's usually a sharp knock to get us back to reality. what was it that song said? when i thought we would be together, but this song came on and it could have been an omen, if i'd have taken my head out of the dreamclouds it was floating in. those so apt words. 'but it's time to face the truth, i will never be with you.' how very true, although we continue this conversation every so often. i don't think we will discuss it any more though, somehow. i embarrassed the both of us, but i had to know if we would. we have our answers, and i feel yet again like i've lost so much. we were never meant to be, although we came into each others' lives at perfect times. cruel fate. but i've accepted it, i resigned myself to it so long ago. i really don't care any more. i'm not in love with you any more. i need to get the melodrama out and find myself a new tragedy to be involved in, this one is overplayed, cliched and finished, definitely. 050803 what's it to you? who go blather from