it_smells_like_smoke stareater what happens when breathing becomes a task you have to remind yourself to do? what happens when the world tries to get the best of you and you begin to let it? what happpens when you feel like gibing up? how could i let it get this out of hand? how much control do i really have over this cloud this monster this life? how much more can i take?the tension just keeps building up and i have to shut my eyes to remember that i am me and that i will make it through. the problem is i don't know what im makming it through and i don't know when im going to be through because i started a lhell of a long time ago and i still can't seee the end. i just want someone to care about me and love me for me i want someone to think i am beautiful and what the fuck am i even talking about i can't stop shaking and i can't focus and i can't .. i don't know, i can't be interesting. how can i be interesting when all i can think about is one fucking thing? goddamn i am such fuck i can't finish my thoughts i just want to scream fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this is so pointless who the fuck cares? i just cant seem to stop thinking that if i was prettier more people would like me and i wouldn't have to try so hard to be interesting. i hate myself for thinking. i've had a bad day. i typed this with my eyes closed. 060522 ... eatingstars [but even the smell is gone, the memory is not. the thought still makes me shutter and squeeze my eyes. im not the same as i was yesterday i am new but i am old. yesterday is the map for the future. somehow i don't think that's true.] 060523 ... birdmad wind shears wires falling into tall dry grass in the corners of junkyards and spiralling winds make mythical sights in mundane places plume rises, scent carries it smells like smoke looks like a microcosm of hell 060523 what's it to you? who go blather from