in_the_notebook jane 20160425 i spent the evening contemplating my lesbianism and listening to _____ snore adorably while i picked at my face and plucked my eyebrows. it's nearly one in the morning but all i can think of is post 30X fat rolls and how long it takes wrinkles to appear. i have only gained two pounds but it feels like it has all gathered in the alcohol-related pouch. i watch the 2nd puberty hairs growing; i watch the veins pop out on my feet; i thank a god i don't believe in for a mother i can never fully comprehend is mine. just got a full attention session with Dali. trying to appreciate every moment with her. i appreciate the wisdom of believing our lives are short. there are far greater humans than myself who are all now in the sky listening to Bowie & Prince. it's a tug-o-war between liquor & grass - and i love the sexuality of both: the way weed heightens the senses and amplifies one's experience, and the way alcohol dulls out the chatty superfluous parts of the brain, cuts down to the bare essentials. on both, currently, writing with a fresh, raw face, leaning against the bathroom sink. i need to go back to being ________. we've all felt like frauds from time to time. this could be the menstruation talking. can't sleep with these cramps. bear with me here, writing in the dark. imagining a not-so-distant future where we speak in memes like rebuses instead of a complete body language. in our dependence on the internet for communication - it begins with people using vocabulary only to express emotions, leads to the reliance upon emojis to express feeling, combined with MRW memes...soon we will have forgotten how to speak to each other... 160428 ... leif I will dip my toes in the ocean in 7 days and for 7 more I will pour my soul out. Seaweed will soak up my honesty. I hope the green collects and forms a bed fit for a mermaid. May her head rest gently while my heart beats for the first time. I can't wait to write myself seasick. 160428 what's it to you? who go blather from