i'll_never_find_it raze an angry letter i hid too well. the scuffed old pocket knife i found on a park bench. four specific childhood comic books. and the source of these two things. a scene from a movie: a still shot of a newspaper article. the voice of a reporter explaining what's on the page. something about a high-profile politician with a troubled son. cut to an idyllic breakfast scene curdled by heroin withdrawal. the son screams, "i want a fix, dad!" the father says, "after breakfast," in a quiet, even voice, as if his son has just asked if he can go to the mall with his friends. "i need a fix now, dad!" "after breakfast." the two of them go back and forth like this, saying and screaming different versions of the same thing, while the mother cooks or makes coffee. it wasn't my house. i had no idea what we were watching. probably some forgotten 1970s low-budget flick. i've always wondered. i've never been able to figure it out. a music video: a breakfast scene warped in a different way. a man with dark hair wearing a woman's red robe, standing at the kitchen counter, smiling and walking toward the camera, saying something we're not allowed to hear. some strange percussion-free ambient music in a major key with a looped-sounding male voice singing something unintelligible. probably recorded in the early 1980s. then another scene with different music. a different man and a young boy in what could be an empty storage shed. they slick their hair back with something that looks like motor oil. they march to what seems to be a different song altogether, something that sounds like the work of an archaic synthetic army band. the only thing i've ever heard that comes close is the soundtrack for norman mclaren's 1952 short film "neighbours", which was created by scratching different designs into strips of film and forcing the projector to read them as sound. this was in 2000 when MTV2 had an "a to z marathon" of every music video in their archive. the information on the screen told me the video was for a yello song called "the evening's young", from the album "she's got a gun". that yello album doesn't exist. songs with both of those titles appear one after the other on 1981's "claro que si", but they sound nothing (and i mean *nothing*) like the music i heard in that video. it was late at night, but i know i didn't dream it, even if it looked and sounded a little like a dream. 210810 what's it to you? who go blather from