hyperemesis ovenbird My body reacted violently to pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my daughter nothing would stay down. Not even water. It was like an exorcism every day, my body wracked with nausea so severe it seemed plausible that my internal organs were plotting a twisted escape. One night I was sure I was going to die so I called an ambulance. The fire department arrived first and the firefighters stood around in the hallway chatting with my four year old son. They gave him a stuffed dalmatian wearing a red fire hat. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. I was busy vomiting up my stomach lining. The paramedics arrived soon after and I was whisked away to the local hospital clutching a barf bag like it was a mystical anchor to the land of the living. In the ER I was hooked up to IV fluids and left to languish in my misery while doctors somewhere decided what to do about me. In between bouts of retching I could hear a conversation happening at the bedside next to mine. There was a curtain drawn between us, but I could hear every word. An old man, who spoke only Mandarin, lay weak and befuddled in the bed, while his son, who could speak English, consulted with the doctor. SON: He hasn’t peed in four days. DOCTOR: Why didn’t you bring him in sooner? SON: This has happened before. He has cancer but he doesn’t know so you can’t tell him. DOCTOR: (outraged) What do you mean I can’t tell him? SON: You can’t tell him. In our culture we don’t talk about these things. We don’t want to make a fuss. We don’t want anyone in the family to be upset. You have to respect our wishes. He has cancer but no one knows about it. I just need you to make him more comfortable. The doctor stormed off and I thought to myself–what strange lengths people will go to to avoid feeling. What bizarre sleights of hand people will perform to make grief disappear. Every muscle in my core hurt from throwing up, but I thought, better to feel this than nothing at all. Better to be allowed to scratch at the eyes of the reaper as he takes you, than to be taken unawares, a small creature snatched from life by talons you didn’t even see coming. I vomited some more and felt the cold river_of_saline flowing through my parched veins. I felt the twitch of some other being within me clutching at life’s tattered tail. I’ll never lie to you, I whispered, then found some deep buried stomach contents to heave into the cruel and unforgiving world. 250519 what's it to you? who go blather from