charades tender_square she was fighting off unconsciousness, writhing in the hospital bed. her arms were tied with soft cotton knots, her puffy hands clawing at air ungraspable. a thousand lines ran from machines to her body, liquid narcotics slow dripping into weak veins. was i a hallucination to her, a sister unseen for three years? the endotracheal tube wedged her dry lips wide. her eyes were frantic as they met mine. her sheet of a gown slipped revealing her nipples. i stood up and tried to make her decent, tried to give her dignity she didn't possess. she mouthed, "i love you," over and over. "i know. i love you too," i said. "you need to relax now. you're where you need to be," i said. she shut her eyes and shook her head weakly. her nurse entered the room and my sister mimed for a pen. "my arm hurts," she wrote on the clipboard with a sharpie. i was grateful she couldn't speak; i didn't want the litany of excuses. "a lot of fluids are being pumped through you, this is part of it, you know this," he said. he removed the foot board and inspected her feet. i studied the chipped lilac nail polish on her toenails; the smears of latex paint on the undersides from her spilling gallons on her garage floor before the ambulance arrived. the nurse found an entry in the lesser saphenous vein and recirculated the meds. my sister gripped the side rail and i placed my hand on top of hers momentarily. gradually, she stopped stirring. outside, her nurse and i traded information. "it's the system," he said. "if a patient knows how to say the right things, they're released, only to repeat this, as you know." for the first time i understand that no one in these positions ever believes what my sister says. rather, they are following protocol; they cannot hold her against her will, even when she is a danger to herself. they feel as powerless as i do. "i'm not sure why i came today," i said to her nurse. "i haven't seen her for three years because of this," i waved my hand around us. my vision blurred as i spoke. "i guess i was worried this was the last time i'd ever see her alive." 230618 what's it to you? who go blather from