i_shouldn't_be_here Lovers Lament I was talking to a friend of mine today, and I've been feeling both low and like I want to crawl out of my skin. At one point recently, I was ready to cut myself which is something I really don't do anymore. This friend of mine, she told me a secret. She said that one day, when she was raging against the world and feeling hopeless, it dawned on her that she shouldn't even be here. (She almost died), and knowing the background details of my life, I shouldn't be here a million times over. Something more than luck has been instrumental in keeping me around. I never saw it that way though until she pointed it out. I started crying because... she is so right. I shouldn't be alive, I shouldn't be healthy, I should be broken in body or in spirit, but I am here. And here I am wasting time pitying myself and wasting the days that are a gift. So now I just need to keep this in my head like a prayer every time I try to go to the darkness: "I shouldn't be here" 130412 ... raze i'm glad you're here. 130412 ... Lovers Lament Me too. :) And after all the crazy shit I engaged in for years on a mission to get rid of myself lol. I don't think I was ever really suicidal, but I always pushed the boundaries and put myself into life threatening situations. I'm just glad I'm done with that... hopefully. And thank you. 130412 ... unhinged (i had this thought innumerable times in youngstown but the quintessential moment of 'i shouldn't be here' was when me and kt went down to the bar off mcguffy to meet that boy that followed us home from dennys and there was a big rukus at the door and when the guy finally got buzzed in there was obviously a shotgun under his trench coat. i think my exact thought was 'my dad would kill me if he knew where i was right now') 130414 ... unhinged oh_yeah and there was that accident in the blizzard where me and kt got in that head on collision with that semi truck and when i looked up and saw that thing hurtling towards my fucking face i closed my eyes and thought i was never gonna open them again my shoulder hurts like a fucking son of a bitch from that accident 130414 what's it to you? who go blather from