in_utero raze i sat at your kitchen table and ate the chili you made. it wasn't meant for me, but there was enough left to fill my stomach. i like my chili busy and colourful. i like to complicate it with more than just meat, tomatoes, and kidney beans. yours wasn't complicated at all. but it had heart. after i ate, i sat on your back deck with you and your friends. we turned a slim children's book into a half-spoken blues song. you talked to your husband like he was a dog you wanted to kick. he stood there and took it. inside, you gave me your son to hold. he was still too young to talk. i tried to remember how to hold a child who couldn't support his own weight. muscle memory filled in what my mind wouldn't tell me. he vomited a river of white all over my shoulder, and then he gave me the best smile i'd ever seen. you said when he was growing inside your body you thought a lot about the music you wanted to play for him. you settled on mine. you wrapped a pair of headphones around your distended belly and let me sing to your son in the womb through a moving coil before you even knew who i was. if i met him now, he wouldn't know me. we always forget the voices that sing us into the world before we know our own names. 211217 what's it to you? who go blather from