i_need_a_new_name peyton I'm not sure what it should be though 020510 ... raze we get stuck with our names, don't we? if we're all desks in a classroom, our names are the ancient pieces of chewing gum that have fused with the bottom of the wood. some days this name feels like it no longer fits me at all, and yet it's mine. it belongs to me. i can wriggle around inside of its four letters and let it take me just about anywhere. or maybe i'm wrong. maybe it wasn't mind at first. maybe i grew into it, and it's more me now than it ever was, and i just can't see it. i am becoming who i always was. and it's not the definition of the thing that applies anymore (there isn't much i want to destroy these days), so much as the thing as a general construct. so if we're the desks, and our names are the gum, who's sitting in our seats? and who's teaching the class? and what's the subject? and can i copy today's lesson off of your paper? i left my glasses at home, and i can't see what's written on the chalkboard. 130205 ... the evil angel on my shoulder yes, maybe it wasn't mind at all. maybe it was mindless. 130205 ... flux names 130205 ... raze i *don't* need a new name. after some time spent wondering if i should have stuck with johnny_west or thought of something else to call myself, i decided this was my forever name here. after reading what tender_square wrote on prayer_with_no_words, i can't imagine ever calling myself anything else. twice now i've had dreams in which i've seen myself on red_blather and a queasy feeling of unease has shot through me as i've realized what a mistake it was to stick with this name for so long. it happened eight years ago. it happened again the other night. in both dreams, "raze" screamed its wrongness at me. it made me physically uncomfortable. i don't know what you're trying to tell me, subconscious, but i ain't changing my name. i like this one just fine. 210928 what's it to you? who go blather from