how_to_tame_a_velociraptor
ovenbird
It
is
not
ideal
to
find
a
velociraptor
in
your
living
room
.
If
you
discover
that
your
apartment
is
occupied
by
such
a
beast
you
should
take
careful
steps
to
soothe
it
until
animal
control
can
be
dispatched. Velociraptors
are
egotistical,
which
is
to
your
advantage.
If
you
have
a
copy
of
Jurassic
Park
, slot
it
into
your
ancient
VCR
and
turn
the
volume
up
as
high
as
you
can
tolerate.
The
sound
of
screams
will
lull
the
raptor
into
a
half
sleep
,
curled
on
the
floor
like
any
old
dog
,
tired
from
a
long
walk
and
a
chew
on
a
good
bone
.
Please
ensure
that
your
real
dog
is
not
left
unattended
in
the
vicinity
of
your
unexpected
house
guest
.
That
won
’t
end
well
.
Never
address
a
velociraptor
by
name
.
Never
look
them
in
the
eye
.
Never
mention
that
T
-rex
is
your
favourite
dinosaur
.
If
it
’s
getting
hot
inside
you
can
open
a
window
and
let
in
some
fresh
air
as
long
as
no
one
is
barbecuing
nearby
.
When
the
movie
ends
,
lock
yourself
in
the
nearest
bedroom
and
hope
that
help
comes
faster
than
the
splintering
of
plywood
.
260922
what's it to you?
who
go
blather
from
