stultify raze i remember a feeling of trying not to cry. there was this pain in my throat, not like a throat infection or the ache you feel after screaming for an extended period of time, but a terrible kind of throbbing that only grew more powerful as i tried to keep the tears from forming. the last time i had that feeling was when i was eight or nine years old, sitting at the dinner table. i don't remember what it was that brought it on, but i remember i was eating a creamsicle. i think it was orange. i recently found myself thinking about how it's probably fair to assume that no one will ever feel that way because of me. & maybe i'll never feel that way because of someone else. i'll probably make someone cry at some point, whether i want to or not. someone will probably make me cry, eventually. but nothing seems to encourage that fighting-back-tears pain in the throat. lately, all i seem to want is to be held by someone & to hold them back, knowing that—in that moment, at least—neither one of us wants to be anywhere else, with anyone else. we're just content to hold one another. not having that is the closest i've felt to that pain in a long time. 040429 ... go ahead raze... 080115 what's it to you? who go blather from