snide raze unable to sleep, her thoughts turned to him, as they often did. she realized that he had no scent. he didn't wear cologne. he used deodorant, but it didn't have any discernable effect. he never smelled overly clean or overly dirty. he was neutral. if anything ever were to happen to him & all she had left were his clothes, they wouldn't even carry the smell of him. she would have memories, though. she thought she might be able to play around with them in that place just before sleep, modifying key details & experimenting with different possible outcomes. sort of like her own personal version of a "choose your own adventure" novel. turn to page 35 & he kisses you forcefully. turn to page 56 & he gets over his infantile homophobic leanings. she imagined him taking her face in his hands & saying "i love you", but she pushed the thought away. it would never happen. he was more interested in what he couldn't have. even putting that aside, he was about as reliable as a homemade pregnancy test. why is it that the things we want are so often just out of reach? why do we wish for things that we know would only cause us pain? she fell asleep crying, knowing the answers & wishing she didn't. 040215 ... crOwl few and far between, but always worth the wait...raze! 040215 ... raze it's kind of funny...that's all i have to show for all the jack&coke i drank during my somewhat pensive night of solitude at the local artsy barcafe, observing young lovers without really looking at them. whatever i say, it always seems to end up fairly terse. maybe i'm like some austere wallpaper that contributes to itself every once in a while in an effort to avoid becoming stagnant. 040215 what's it to you? who go blather from