becalmed raze i used to make paintings of how it would happen. not in any place you'd look to find them. just for me. just in my head. images of elbowing someone in the face. or bruising their ribs with my knee in the thick of a heavy-lidded panic_attack. i had waking nightmares about black eyes and broken noses. it made me glad to know no one wanted to sleep beside me. because if i didn't have that, at least i couldn't hurt anyone. sometimes i still open my eyes in the middle of the night convinced i'm dying. but i don't thrash around like i used to. i've learned to make myself still. the same way i've trained my body to crave this half of the mattress. now i know when i have the warmth of you next to me, i won't strike you without wanting to. i'll hold you as close as i can without waking you, and i'll whisper fuel for better dreams than mine. 220718 ... Bizzar that last line gave me goosebumps. 220719 what's it to you? who go blather from