stunted minus not like a dwarf, but hindered from living the life I want to live 010705 ... unhinged small tiny held_back underdeveloped i was born five weeks early, a medical emergency, suicidal from the start, the cord that kept me alive wrapped around my neck. my mother had anesthesia induced nightmares during my emergency surgical birth that included a man chasing her through the jungle with a big machete. i spent the first twelve days of my life in a machine that was supposed to finish what my mother's womb started. i had thick plastic walls separating me from the rest of the world. my entire childhood i pushed away the affection of my parents, especially my mother. this became glaringly obvious in adolescence especially during my initial bouts of depression. isolation and avoidance are still my coping mechanisms of choice. i started this life with literal walls that kept me safe when my own body could not. i continue this life with emotional walls that keep me safe when my body refuses. but every now and then something more deeply embedded rears up, aching. this social animal feels incomplete. these eyes peek out from behind looking for something even more primal than my own safety. urges to thoughts to decisions. trying to live in the middle, a small island indeed. 180417 what's it to you? who go blather from