i_just_needed_to_say bijou not in the right state of mind to make a decision. it's not the right time. i keep getting the feeling like i'm the girl in the movie who's with the guy that's not right for her. he's good and everything, but is he enough? and then the other one comes along, the one she wasn't expecting and she realizes she's been with the wrong guy all along. i'm moving in with him, we're making a little home of his little apartment. why am i not excited? is that right? i'm not afraid, i'ts not like i can't get out of this if i have too. but it won't be pretty. and i just don't feel quite right. we were never all that passionate to begin with. now in the midst of the shortest days of the year when my brain chemicals are all out of whack, when i don't enjoy much of anything but chocolate, i could just about live without sex. i don't like feeling angry about the money he wastes on useless crap, crowding up his apartment. i don't like thinking that his teeth don't get brushed at all if i don't remind him. mostly, i can't stay just because he's close enough, he's good enough, he will work. i love him, and our love is pretty simple. he is the only boy who has ever loved me this way. this just doesn't sound like the makings of a good life together. he needs me like he needs a mother. and he really does need me. i feel like that if i left, he would just give up on love altogether. when i think of the way he loves me its laying in our bed with his arms aroung my waist, his head on my stomach. he needs me to care for him. i am afraid of what i would do if different situations came up. one of my very favorite bands was in town last week. i ended up getting along really well with one of them and hung out in town and on their next date across the state. he put me on the guest list and i drove across to see the last show of the tour. bought him a christmas present. hung out for a while. reminded me of what's out there. maybe i'm not ready to be in charge of all this shit. maybe i'm not ready to have a contract with the phone company for dsl and a six year old redheadheaded stepdaughter. yeah, i'm not ready. so while i think about these things, my boyfriend senses them and shuts down a little. turns off to me a bit. 031222 what's it to you? who go blather from