drowning_sea Sonya I find myself tonight drowning in a sea of misery. Though my body demands it, my mind will not allow me to sleep. Even in my dreams he haunts me. Sometimes the dreams are happy, but sometimes they are sad. Regardless, the exact same feeling is there when I wake up to face the real world. It is misery. I wonder how I got myself to this point in life. What was it that I did wrong? Self blame only gets a person so far before she drives herself mad. Did you ever love me? I want to ask him this but I don't always like the answer. Perhaps it's because if he says yes I find myself half believing nowadays. This scares me. Losing belief is frightening to me. I used to be called an idealist. Sometimes being an idealist is foolish. Sometimes our ideals bring us pain. There are times when I wish I could let go of my ideals and take the easier choice. It is easier to live life with little to no standards. It is easier to be a cynic and not believe in a greater good among people. I'm just waiting I guess...waiting for that life saver that is going to float by one day. I'm just waiting for the moment when I will snap and everything in my mind will work itself out and I'll be peachy keen again. I'm waiting...for the moment when the memories no longer bring me pain and I can start to enjoy the little things again. Until then I'm still floundering in the blue abyss. I'm still flailing in this sea of misery. Forgive me. 050628 what's it to you? who go blather from