deep_end tender_square it was dusk, the sky was turning, and it made the surface of the water, and the depth of the water, darker. i paddled my arms weakly, chin bobbing in slight terror, convinced i'd swallow too much water and perish. the swimming pool had algae and seaweed, undulating plants that brushed against bare legs, whisps like fingers pulling me down. i swam to an edge to follow, the center scared me. i searched for a staircase. the swimmers surrounding me complained that lifeguarding was not what it was cracked up to be, and, silently, i judged them for their lack of foresight: of course there would be an element of restriction that came in conflict with freedom. as my feet found bottom, a man hole under the water was open wide. i took a wider berth, scared that i would be sucked in and yanked below. my dream self is just as protective as my waking self; i am surrounded by such endless amounts of lifegiving water, but i can't surrender to its largesse. not yet. and maybe not ever. 230810 ... raze i swam to the edge of the only ocean i would ever know. choked on salt and spit. felt my pulse pounding in my ears like a kick drum. and when the shore was a distant pinprick, i kissed the cold floor of the bed i'd made and slid face-first into the shallow solace of sleep. 230811 what's it to you? who go blather from