matilda_at_the_door bijou i was thinking about suicide. had spent nights inching in loud sobs and flannel sheets towards sleep. i was trying to explain it. i had the pills laid out in front of me, three bottles of pills and a fifth of vodka. i thought that would be enough. i was trying to explain it, it's just i used to feel the electricity. i used to feel it flash between us, flash between my fingers. when i am all alone now it's just me. i remember i am me and it gets to be too much. sometimes i just can't be alone. other times i can't be near anyone, they can't touch me. in the movie, i think it was called the_professional, matilda walks past the door of her own apartment because she sees that her family has been murdered. she walks on to leon's door and rings the bell, crying silently and pleading with everything she has that he open the door so she won't be killed too. when he opens the door, he has saved her life and therefore owns her, is responsible for her. she will save his life too. i thought about suicide. i decided to get a puppy. this infant, this child will save my life, this child will own me. i will deliver him from his death and he will keep me from mine. 020501 ... crOwl this child will save my life. 040522 ... magpie waltzing 040522 what's it to you? who go blather from