what_i'm_dreaming .nom when_i'm_dreaming i really don't know 050131 ... .nom books and beds of dreams hillsides green and armies concerts walls 050131 ... lotuseater a horrible, obese creature of a woman has died. she is surrounded by latex-gloved doctors, and they are fist-probing every grotesque opening. including eye sockets, ear canals, and nostrils. they seem to be attempting to stimulate something, awaken some horrible last nerve in the body. the stimulation works, and out of one of the crevasses between fat rolls, a hideous mutant face pushes its way through. blood and maggots begin spewing out of its scab-mouth surrounded by yellow shards of teeth. 050131 ... aM i DiStUrBeD? Why can't I remember my dreams? If I cannot remember him in my dreams, where we smile, laugh and dance, then where? My heart? 050201 ... raze the monsters of my youth have come to kill whatever bravery might have existed in me before we met again on an even playing field. i can scream all i want. no one's going to save me. 240622 ... ovenbird These days it’s basements. Dark, unfinished, labyrinthine places I’ve never been in real life. Like stepping down into the cluttered damp of the unconscious, peopled with phantoms, cement floors cracked and seeping, rooms piled high with boxes and furniture, forgotten and smelling of mildew and memory. Half disassembled beds with blankets from childhood, frayed rugs, rooms that open into rooms that open into closets that open into inexplicable subterranean attics. I explore. I want to know what’s down here but it takes so long to surface that I can’t bring more than scraps and fragments with me: a tiny Zamboni, my mother’s voice, blue plastic bins that won’t reveal their contents, monsters in the shape of stepfathers who belong to someone I love. My mind keeps sending me down and down into the musty dark. Tell me, I say. Tell me what I’m meant to see. But everything stays opaque and unknowable. Maybe I’m not ready. Every night I descend. One day I’ll find knowledge or I’ll find hell. These days I think they might be the same. 261010 what's it to you? who go blather from