old_playlists neoncrackle listening to old playlists & remembering that G- isn't part of my life anymore & how much i used to mourn the loss of her presence the first person i came clean to, in so many ways my savior at the time, the healthiest relationship i'd ever had until insecurity twisted it into a new form of control, made her into yet another person i could never fully satisfy, never be close enough to she stole my wedding & my apartment & my best friend & she still steals hours of my life even though i don't know where she even lives anymore knowing that i could have been part of something beautiful if i just could have been close enough to anyone, shared enough of myself but not too much but what if i can't ever be that close? what if all my barriers mean that i can never be truly held? bitter memories of "coming to" in dan's arms after the narcan, crying, no one ever touches me anymore, i told him (i wouldn't have touched me then, either, to be fair, i was in a bad way) i do want closeness i wonder if i will ever let myself have it 220223 what's it to you? who go blather from