i_had_them kali once we built a raft from two-by-fours and plastic barrels. we paddled out onto the lake as far as we cared. we had a naval battle with canoes and rowboats and water balloons. we sat on driftwood logs on the beach at our fire after dark. we paddled out on the raft into the blackness of night. once i showed up to a party and they yelled my name in joy. one jumped on me and humped my leg. once we borrowed a vacant apartment and recorded music for two days straight. once we visited a college and escaped with some that we had just met. coffee shops and poetry and libraries and thrift stores and used cds and philosophy and getting in trouble with our parents all in one night. once we played music for the rest near a marshmallow campfire in the quiet of night and explored the beach and played mini golf in canada with a band from california. and now i_have_zero. i_will_have_them again, but i don't know when or how. i suppose i've been in slow transition for five years, and that's why no one sticks. but then again maybe i've hit an impasse. i don't know what to do except focus on what i've had. no one knows anything that can help me; i've asked. i don't know what to do. 040928 what's it to you? who go blather from