fill_in raze i never cared for crossword puzzles. i got a book of these instead. words in place of clues. a grid of grey squares. the first answer given as a guide. it took me ten years to get through every page. i wanted to make the uncertainty last, from the very first time i tried and failed to work out what i was meant to do, bisecting my father's attempted counsel with black ink before realizing what i'd done and wanting to die, to leaning on something so simple and sane as a way of keeping my broken brain from eating itself alive, chasing panic while listening to music that would have given me nightmares if my waking life wasn't already so thick with terror. i wish i'd left one cipher unsolved so i could tackle it tonight and learn who i haven't yet become. 230213 what's it to you? who go blather from