what_i_want_to_say_but_can't jennifer ... I can't wait until I move out so you'll actually have to WATCH the kids you get PAID to babysit 010102 ... Quiggz too much. What're we supposed to say here if we can't? It all comes out in the end, though, doesn't it? 010102 ... silentbob Negative. Some things die with time and people. Entire memories are forgotten with no notice. There are people and experiences and heartaches and secrets no one will ever know. 010102 ... chanaka at the end of a long and rather disappointing new year's eve, i wade through the snow drifts and get into my car. it is bitterly cold, but inside the house was only a little warmer. it is odd how the clashing of personalities brings back such warm memories of new years past, spent staring at fighting lovers. frozen memories, frozen steering wheel sliding through my fingers. i do not go up the driveway, but park in the street instead. it is still snowing. i want my footprints to be the ones to wreck the unnatural perfection of the freshly fallen snow that covers my driveway. as i look back upon my footprints (4 inch heels), i realize that something is missing. i am missing something that i didn't even know i was looking for. tomorrow children will tromp into the snow, and cars plow through it, but i know that i was the first to break in the snow. once it was perfect, like the new year, but i had to go step in it. i think i will go write your name in the ruined snow. 010102 ... unhinged that i never want you to go this smell reminds me daily of the soapiness of you and i want it to all come out in the wash that i love my family dearly but i just need space to be myself. i am older now. maybe everything won't be turn out picturesque like my father wants it to but i know it will turn out. i have enough faith in myself and him to believe that. can your prayers really help me noah? 010102 ... misstree that i really loved you, as much as i hid it, and as much as i hated it. that i still love you, that i love someone else, and will love everyone who leaves their footprints here, within. 010103 ... Quiggz Silentbob, perhaps. I take the veiw that all thinks are said, communicated, but not nessecarily realised. Just because it's been said, doesn't mean anyone listened. Strive to pick up the unspoken things that are said. People don't always have the courage to say them out loud. 010103 ... alkalinepixie i think yer amazing. boy. why don't you kiss me? 010103 ... Nina I loved you. You liked me at one time. I know you did. WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH US? Why didn't we take it when it came? It could have been so good. For both of us. 010103 ... G_wiz13 WOW this is a great fucking topic.things that i want to say but cant. Shawn your the best friend i could ever ask for, and wendy somehow i have feelings for you and you better not commit suicide or ever try again or im gonna have to tell you how i feel. 010103 ... Thyartshallshant That wasnt dumb. It wasnt stupid either. Don't feel embarraced for your thoughts. If you wanna keep turning into me, that is. 010103 ... alexander sometimes I want to fucking die sometimes I want to fucking make everyone else come with me sometimes I picture my stabbing my boss to death with his brass pen holders that he got for being the worlds greatest boss I cry when I think about my mom and dad passing away someday I still pick my nose I'm homophobic but I have a gay friend that is the best friend in the world but I can't tell anyone I think women do more hurt in the world than any other force God created Sometimes I stay in my room for days on end, my only contact with humanity being the pizza guy who also keeps me fed I work a ten hour day six days a week, and I act like everyone else because I'm scared and weak I check a million times after I post something because I hope someone will make a little witty comment about it, just to acknowledge that someone out there actually fucking heard a word from the real me that lives inside this cage in my head I'm 5'8' 160 pounds, I've got brown hair and eyes and lots of people tell me I'm good looking, and a girlfriend who adores me; but knows nothing about the longing and bitterness I feel, she only knows the me that I let her see to keep her telling me how much she cares about me. Everyone I know thinks I am just like them. I don't think I'm good looking. I've been in love twice. One was an angel that I hurt and left alone because I was young and stupid. The other was a whore who tore my heart from my chest and laughed at me when I complained about the pain. Someday I want to die for something meaningful.. like catching a bullet for my wife or getting burned to death while trying to save a child from a burning building. I want to be so much more than I am. I'm really lazy. I used to idolize Jewel until she said that she wasn't sad anymore during an interview. I want to find someone that can pull me from the freezing wreckage of my life. 010104 ... god i hear ya bro. i can relate. 010104 ... Rhin I would have responded, and regardless of the fact, that you check your posts a million times. I stopped breathing, while reading what your soul has spilled out, into our blue world. I almost felt your pain crushing me. That is what I wanted to tell you... 010104 ... Justice ...that I'm 'in' love with your soul! 010104 ... Quiggz Alexander, I know what you mean. It's one hell of a hard knock life for alot of us, but ya gotta keep pushing. It will be worth it some day. 010104 ... alexander thank you Rhin.. Your understanding is acknowledged and appreciated.. The tragedy is that there is no one in my life that agrees with you.. ever. Even when I'm practically screaming to everyone what I want to say. I need some ice cream and my teddy bear. 010104 ... Rhin Your truly welcome Alexander! Maybe (just an opinion), the tragedy is not, that no one in your life agrees with you, but that everyone in your life isn't honest enough to admit, least of all to themselves, that they feel the same way (at times). Regardless, I can hear you screaming! Just remember to breathe... 010104 ... MollyCule i've been wanting to tell you that i love you for fifteen months. even when i wasn't. and especially now. but i probably never will. 010104 ... Thyartshallshant I am a good person. I shouldn't blame myself for everything. I'm funny, whitty, and nice. I'm not stupid, I'm not dumb, and I'm not on crack. I DO deserve to live, and i should be happy. I shouldn't hurt myself, and i shouldn't beat myself up for the things that aren't my fault. I don't need to be angry and hurt all the time. I shouldnt cry myself to sleep at night. i dont need to be this way anymore. im 15 i shouldnt have all these issues. i cant take this anymore why cant i be free why cant i forget this pain i have wny does the world do this to me what did i do I need to let go of her. 010104 ... unhinged that i don't want you to go...i want to be selfish and kick and cry and scream like a baby. wendy please don't go. i couldn't imagine what i ever could have done without you. and you're going to go. but you will be happy. mike is going to miss you. but i know i will miss you more. where would i be...without your love? nowhere. nowhere at all. 010104 ... Quiggz Thyartshallshant, The world is a seemingly cruel and arbitrary place. I guess I probably didn't need to tell you that, but I said it anyways... uhm..... Anyways... sometimes things happen, and there isn't a good reason. But there's not really much you can do to stop them from coming, but you can try to accept that they will happen, and work more on dealing with the bad things then wonder why they happen. Wonder why after you can deal with them and keep somewhat happy. It's like being in a lions cage. You'd work on keeping him from eating you, rather than wondering why he's going to munch on your head. "And remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together" -RedGreen Rock on, and keep the faith! 010105 ... daxle don't have any fun without me, especially not with her, and I don't care if this is selfish I know it's not fair but it doesn't make me feel any different 010105 ... Thyartshallshant Thank you Quiggz. And I CAN say that. 010105 ... pathwrat i am afraid of you 010106 ... Sintina I'm scared. Everyday of my life I'm scared that once it all comes together or looks like it will come together it will fall apart again. I can't say that I'm scared, because so many people expect me not to be. I'm the strongest one. I'm the one that will make it all better for everyone. I'm the youngest, and yet they all depend on me! It's maddening and I feel afraid that I can't possibly make them all happy and myself happy as well. And I don't think I'm exactly like you alexander!! You and I, sir, have quite a lot in common, but we are by NO means exactly alike. We have lived different lives. Seen different things. We have come to many similar conclusions, but we are as different as night and day in many ways. Example one: You have a penis and I don't. Example two: You try to hide your true self, while I try not to. Etc. 010106 ... Sintina Oh, and I can't find my blankie... I love my soft blankie... I used to sleep with it every night and I miss it. I can't admit to myself that part of me still loves Tiberius. 010106 ... Justice I forgive you... Hearing your voice again... I missed you too... Of course I love you still... Don't do it again! 010107 ... you know me i can't sleep in this house- too much happened to rip the nights apart- to rip me apart- ::sigh:: though i know there's not a chance, sometimes the feeling seeps through the crack beneath the door that he's coming back- he'll be here soon don't fall asleep- i've almost reverted to become the five-year-old wearing 4 pairs of panties to bed just hoping that if he had to make that much effort, he would stop i can't sleep in this house ... 010107 ... Glory Box I'm not a rock. 010108 ... lizard i need him. but i don't understand why i need him so much, when he doesn't need me at all. 010108 ... shit for brains yeah, it hurts when you do these things to me. it hurts a lot. 010108 ... misstree i'm not as strong as i want to be. 010108 ... sigh some days it's all i can do to make myself eat something- hungry, yes but not hungry enough, i suppose- i make sandwiches at midnight, tell myself it's ok because nobody can see me- usually, in a given day i eat maybe one shaky meal, scattered from when i wake (at noon) until i force my eyes closed at night (past 3) i want to eat but i just know when i do you can see every bite -i feel it- help... 010113 ... god who cares what anyone thinks. 010113 ... Quiggz I, for one. Besides, if we