visions_of_julia silentbob I don't like feeling like I am waiting around for some partner or some manic_pixie_dreamgirl to come rescue me. It's just so much of my time and energy and attention was devoted to this very specific thing and now that's gone and I have this giant empty space that only she can fill. And I try to cast other characters or use her as the litmus standard by which to judge other partners. are you funny enough? cute enough? self_deprecating enough? do you like beyonce and drake? How feminist are you? How much do you use emoji's. Experience has taught me this will all go away with time. And I don't even really want to be where I was even 2 weeks ago because of my ugliest version, but... the thing that preoccupied so much of my life left a lasting impression on me and is done and gone, cut and run. I am stale cigarette smell and the mopey crayon. I am the blank space where a tooth used to be and the open nerve. I am sixteen years old and writing awful poetry again. I am listening to counting_crows again. I am The Ouroboros. 140211 ... my identity documents you are an empty canvas, bracing to be filled with colour and to be shaped in most wonderful and inspiring ways. nothing stands a chance when it's faced with such as beautiful heart as yours. 140212 ... tourist Love to All of You 140213 ... silentbob Wake up way too early Because the nagging in my stomach won't let me Sleep past the 7 o'clock hour So I Shower on 4 hours of sleep Put on shirt and pants, dry my hair, look myself in the eye and smile at my stupid face And these visions of Julia that conquer my mind. Sit in the Dentist's office, Stick the X-ray pad in my mouth and hold it in a position that allows me not to gag Far back in my mouth, so it touches the end, bite down, shoot Lean back, let an adult man inside my mouth Brush my teeth for me, floss me, clench my hands, fingers entwined, writhing, escaping my mind While these visions of Julia have taken my place Text Susan and say What would you do if I brought home donuts and coffee I order 2, with room for cream, and promptly forget to get any and leave The decaf spilling out the lid as I climb the stairs to the train platform Coffee in donuts in bed while watching House of Cards with Susan and think of the_party And these visions of Julia, they kept me up past the dawn My foot bouncing endlessly in the booth of The Green Mill, Susan with her back to the stage They tell me when I go on and then I do But first I Instagram the microphone on the stage, and the audience behind, with the neon sign burning in the background Oh, the laughter and the applause as I hit every joke and the pats and the backs from strangers telling me how funny And I say it back and they laugh again But they just make it all too concise and too clear That Julia's not here I go back to our booth, with Susan and Margaret and Geoff, bouncing my foot to take it all in But these visions of Julia, they make it all seem so cruel Instagram Susan across from me in natural light Over a bowl of steaming ramen with pork belly and an egg Soon we say nothing and just look at our phones We make our way back and get tickets to Annie_Hall And I fall asleep in the theater with Woody's stupid face illuminating the screen And these visions of Julia are now all that remain 140216 ... silentbob When getting ready for work, dressing, brushing my teeth, I remembered that I dream of you, or must have. Did I dream of you? What was it of? Your radio_silence? The nape of your neck? the ends of your hair? Your supersternal notch? And who was I in this dream if not a ghost haunting you (or were you the ghost haunting me)? Cannot remember. Trying to remember. Did I dream of you? The vision of you, you_or_your_memory. 140220 ... silentbob I saw the most engaging film. it was me standing in a room of a mutual friend as the backs of heads cycled through and I thought all of them were you, but they never were. I remained cordial and absent out of respect for your space, but they were never once. Later, same movie, I am seated at a table next to a person whose face is not quite yours, but she is funny and charming in the exact same way. "I think we're the same person," i say to her. And Geoff gives me the biggest sideeye. But the girl takes my hand and starts showing me how, together, the two hands can look like people fucking. And I know something is starting because I am able to be myself around her; it's just so easy to talk to her. And an actual thought that I have is, is it dangerous to date someone who too-closely resembles a person you're still not over? The movie ends and the credits roll; there's no way to find the person again. And the world is still like this. 140324 what's it to you? who go blather from