unhinged my mind is a photo album. if i could make a movie it would be random frames of pictures that cross my mind of you. you saved my life you know. there came a time when i stopped writing in the journal i had made for you. because my heart had become the journal and i didn't need to write it anymore. i love you more than i ever have and it scares me to think that someday in the near future i will leave you forever. i remember the first time i thought you. i was operating under the misconception that your band was a punk band and when the post-grunge rock stars of a post-industrial wasteland walked in the door i was decidely shocked. it has been three years almost to the exact day (yesterday would have been exact) since this occasion. i remember where the car was parked; i remember the spatial set up of the room. i remember the clothes i had on. i remember sitting in the lounge days later listening to your newly released album on headphones. i remember the second show i went to. that was the first time i heard rot. i remember the clothes i was wearing then too. or the shows at the vfw. i remember the conversation i had with michael outside in the cold cold snow. cigarette butts i saved. guitar piks and broken drum sticks i scavenged. pictures i took. pictures i was in. emails and posts and poems i wrote. i remember the lay out of your first house because that was the beginning of the end of the awe that was the 'rockstar' even though it was just because she was pretty and i was with her. i remember the cat and getting drunk at the kitchen table and spilling vodka on him mixed with cigarette ash. i remember being fanatical about where i stood. i remember when i was 'our best fan man. she knows all the words to all of our songs and stands in front and screams all of them at me.' and i remember when i was madly and childishly in love. i remember sitting in your car drinking beer listening to the new songs you had just recorded for your atlantic demo and having the guts to tell you that i thought those cheesy-ass chimes were stupid. and i remember that being that close to you then was a big deal to me. i remember running to the van with him before every show and getting high. i remember driving half way across northeast ohio so that i could run to the van with him before the show and get high. i followed you almost anywhere. and i talked about you almost anywhere; one of your shameless self-promoters. i felt bad for people that didn't like your music. they were stupid; i was introducing them to 'THE NEXT BIG THING' and they just didn't get it. because you were going to be famous; i knew it. the day after i was raped, you imed me the rape hotline number. i curled up on my bean bag chair and listened to traffic over and over and over again for an hour and a half and cried. CRIED. your shows kept me alive that is for certain. oh how that definitely sounds melodramatic and trite. but there was some kind of mutual release that i still feel. and there were the empty beer bottles and stems and seeds and pills and dragging girls out of bathrooms who couldn't walk. and there were the 'trips to the bathroom' and the phone calls to billy and riding bikes late at night. and there were the nights that i knew what was going on and i cried and cried and cried for you because i loved you and i was scared for you and i wanted you to be happy more than anything in the world. and there were the nights that i sat in front of you and tried to smoke my pain away because i didn't want you to think that i had problems. i created superficial ideas of me because i was afraid you wouldn't like who i really was. and i brought weed and i followed you anywhere. you were the cool i so desparately wanted in high school. and then i figured out the truth and i cried and cried and cried. we are more alike than you will ever know. i wish i was closer to you because you were my childhood and you were my saviour and you were my 'passage into fucking adulthood.' when i think of my time at ysu i will think more of you than anyone else and the friends i made with and because of you more than anyone else. and in the near future i will leave you forever. but everywhere i go, i will talk about you. and i will carry around my photo album in my mind and see all of you smile; i will hear you frank say 'you are a special human being and i love you.' i will see the smile in michael's face that i could never forget. i will hear sam's stoner laugh. and mark's stoner smile. and hear scottie say 'everytime i see this girl she's packing.' you have changed and saved my life and i will never forget the years i spent with you. i love you all. 021031
unhinged so_real by jeff_buckley 021102
failing to make sense of it you keep me sane
through all this pain
and still find time
to make me mac and cheese

from the box
i love you guys
jim wow is this intense. I've now read it at least 10 times and I get new meaning out of it each time. Thank you for writting this and helping me open up my mind. The world is a better place with communicators like you in it. 030505
jimc wow is this intense. I've now read it at least 10 times and I get new meaning out of it each time. Thank you for writting this and helping me open up my mind. The world is a better place with communicators like you in it. 030505
unhinged the day is so close that it makes my heart ache to think of it. i'm leaving all this. will i have the common sense to stay away in a new place? the people you love change who you are. i already miss you. i listened to failure boy while i was taking a shower today. it was a shadow box of childish memories and broken dreams. how do i let_go without forgetting? how do i hold on without getting ill? this place has been my home and you were the people that filled it. with drama, with pain, with addiction, with music, with love, with two trips to the hospital, with love. it's funny how i leave parts of myself behind. i'm scared again frank. so scared. sing to me in the middle of the night. i'll_always_be_here standing in the front, screaming the words, waiting for a hug. 030505
pipedream i know it hasn't been so ever very long, but you all have become integral. thank you for the protectiveness, the patience while listening to the whining, the teaching of karate chop moves, the humoring of nakhras, the teasing, the stupid sarhies, the contant demand/whining (hehe) for brownies, the complete lack of tact, rabid typos, arcane slang, endless boysie discussions about VGA cards and how to reverse out of a parking space properly, crazy laughter and wonky guys make life a little more interesting, it's good to have y'all around :) 030506
jimc i still don't know what i said or to who. i can't even begin to think of what i said that would cause someone so special to walk out of my life like that. God answered my prayers to have someone special in my life when he blessed me with her friendship AND I FUCKED IT UP! it wold have hurt less had she just ripped out my heart and stomped on it rather than make me live and suffer so slowly. she didn't have the key to my house, she had the key to my heart, my soul, and my love. i want her back in my life i want to talk it through - I WANT TO FUCKING DIE! when i had the knife pulled on me all i could think was i had to survive so i could see her again. it was her love her smile her FRIENDSHIP that made me want to survive that and nothing else. i love her i want her in my life - i NEED her in my life. i've had so few bright spots in my long and fucked up life and to lose the brighest spot and best friend i've ever had is killing me. i was almost blown off the ladder thursday and i did my best to not fall - had i known then that i woud be suffering a living death i would have taken the 15 foot dive for real death would be so much better than this. maybe one more drink or one more cigarette is all i need. death might be slow but at least it will be sure. please pray with me and for me for my quick death for i can not go on living without her friendship - without her love - for without that there is nothing. 030507
unhinged i'm coming back

almost two years ago i wrote this saying i'd be gone forever
but i can't stay gone
cause i'm still sick today
way too many miles away
from anyone who would maybe give a fuck

even though there's not much to come back to
i'm coming back
unhinged you saved my life again last night. again, i bawled my eyes out to traffic. and then i locked myself in the bathroom and listened to failure_boy and sickhouse until my skin stopped itching, safely away from any sharp edges. last night i could have easily attempted it. but i locked myself up in my bathroom with you. 050311
unhinged (i still talk about you)

a clever disguise Rocking a little Failure Boy in the office today in honor of this awesome blathe. 120517
a clever disguise the_boys_room 120517
unhinged i couldn't have possibly known how pervasive and influential all of that would be on my personality, my art, my life

unhinged_in_seattle misses the family she had back then
a clever disguise You may be better off in the dark.

If you had any idea how successful Mikey is right now, your blood would boil. Well, mine does anyway.

But I do agree that place of creation and drama that kept us all bound is hard to replace. Nothing good lasts, and it's never good patched back together, as we both know so well.
unhinged eh *shrugs*

when i first met him, he was an awesome person and then it seemed like life got the better of him. he wasn't anything if he wasn't motivated. was he a sell_out bitch? yes. was/is he talented? yes. at least one of us got all the way there. i was living my dream for awhile too transmitting my passion to little ones in the daytime and singing the blues in bars in the nighttime.

success is a relative term.

'i didn't sell_out son. i bought in. remember that'
what's it to you?
who go