things_learned_from_dreams
in a silent way it's possible to create a powerful bomb through the heating of a small window, though timing the explosion is difficult, and anyone in range at the moment of detonation will regain consciousness one week later to the day seemingly unharmed, but with no memory of what caused the loss of time. 130110
...
in a silent way wielding an axe is not the most effective way of attacking someone who is trying to escape via taxi. 130110
...
in a silent way paul_mccartney looks very strange with a dyed blonde mohawk, but it works in the context of an unreleased film he wrote and directed in the 1980s (not to be confused with "give my regards to broad street"). 130110
...
in a silent way a message written on sweet bread will fade over time, stirring up feelings of sadness and loss. 130110
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Ouroboros don't take debbie's keys! 130110
...
in a silent way there are worse ways to endear yourself to someone than pulling out the old strongbad impression. 130110
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epitome of incomprehensibility There's no place like home?

Nobody said it had to be my own dream.
Nobody said it had to be real.
130110
...
ever dumbening lsd would make that landscape even trippier. 130111
...
in a silent way spending your last five hundred dollars on an obscene amount of pizza for everyone is generous, but not the wisest idea. luckily there's always free spaghetti at this resort. 130111
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in a silent way death is whatever you decide it means to you. at least that's what a pine tree in an open casket filled with water seems to imply. 130112
...
e_o_i Oh oh, but I DID have a dream! 130112
...
e_o_i ...and yes, wearing bulky items of clothing while playing roller derby is a bad idea. Especially when the roller derby isn't really roller derby, but a game of tackle soccer played in a large gymnasium with random marbles on the floor (everyone still wears roller skates, though.) 130112
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in a silent way the man who leaves his door open for anyone to come by and listen to music has no right to complain when people get their pants mixed up. 130114
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in a silent way names tend not to stick in your mind when you're thinking about the end of the world. 130115
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past last night i dreamed that i caught a disease that manifested itself in little black blotches under the skin. it caused intense paranoid and violent hallucinations. the only way to extract the disease was to peel it from under the skin before it caused you to harm yourself or others. i tried, in vain, to heal myself, but bled too much as the disease took hold quickly and deeply. 130115
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Ouroboros The stairwell is a great place to take a bath. The obese man is happiest down on the bottom of the lake. Mike is great at spontaneous live music orchestration, and will probably win the event's competition. 130116
...
unhinged run
run as fast as you can
130116
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srealisma a comet hitting the moon raining moondust upon the earth will not kill everybody but can cause the top floor of the house on stilts to spin. 130117
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unhinged do not let robert clean the kitchen. he will break the coffee pot and evade all questions of how and why. 130117
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in a silent way when stranded in a noisy tavern far from home, do not, under any circumstances, eat the black_and_white chocolate cake. 130117
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in a silent way when a first date ends with a knife pressed to your throat, it might be best to conclude that your personalities just aren't compatible. 130118
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Ouroboros make sure you take that drunken photo with your high school history teacher- what are the chances that you both showed up to the same party?!? 130118
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in a silent way black cats with blue_eyes will fetch a pretty penny if sold illegally in a local park. 130119
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in a silent way justin bieber can't hold his liquor. at all. 130120
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Doar no. I don't think so.

.
130120
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in a silent way the most effective bartering sometimes involves a level of intimidation. 130121
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in a silent way emails are becoming something of a lost art, strange as it may seem. 130122
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Soma If I grew a penis, my husband would be ok with it! 130122
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in a silent way it's difficult to shake hands with dallas green while wearing snug-fitting black leather gloves. 130122
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in a silent way don't let the old man whose story seems suspicious inside your house. he'll only pick lint off his pants and drop it on the floor. 130123
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unhinged he thinks i'm going to cut_and_run

(i was standing next to the bed, bags packed, and i looked at him and said

'it's now or never'

and we fucked goodbye



he woke up
and i was still next to him
he woke me up
with his hands and lips

he is hungrier than he lets on)
130123
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no reason if you stuff celery into your mouth before calling someone, you won't be able to talk to or hear them 130124
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in a silent way kleenex and 28-year-old lettuce don't make for the most appetizing salad. 130124
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in a silent way if you demonstrate concern for a young female tennis player crossing over to the world of boxing and fighting in a weight class outside her natural range, she's probably going to kiss you. it helps if you're seated in a nondescript fast food restaurant at the time. 130126
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in a silent way trying to hide a wooden spatula in your bed can be frustrating. 130127
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in a silent way red corduroy pants are more stylish than you might expect. especially while resting on a bookshelf. 130128
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in a silent way "there's an intimacy to my swagger," apparently. 130128
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in a silent way you'll never find her. 130129
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Sab That skeletons are terrifying.



No, wait
That was The Goonies
130130
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in a silent way when you're performing with a wedding band in a grade school gymnasium, don't be too surprised if the audience has some requests that live outside the realm of mainstream radio. like, say, a st. vincent song. also, your manager is going to take a fifty percent cut of the money you're getting paid before you see a dime. but she's got a nice smile, so all is forgiven. 130130
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in a silent way if you plan on getting away for the weekend, you need to pack more than just croutons and mostly-empty italian salad dressing. a change of clothes might be a good idea. 130131
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in a silent way an object's center of gravity is also its pivot point. either answer is correct. 130202
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in a silent way no one eats dinner at 11:00 am. still, you shouldn't turn down the invitation. 130203
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in a silent way riding in a dilapidated car with no protective shell while falling_down drunk is never a good idea. 130204
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epitome of incomprehensibility If six bees fly into your tent, you should kill them with a candlestick, either by blunt force or suffocation. You'll feel sad when they die, but mainly because you don't have any molten glass to pour on them to preserve their sad bee bodies for jewelry.

Also, the best way to impress visual artists is to climb onto the roof of a house and crack the sky by throwing ribbons at it.
130204
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in a silent way as much of a dick as your high school guidance counselor was, he won't rat you out if he catches you cutting class. he'll just glare at you kind of disapprovingly. 130205
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in a silent way getting dressed up in a suit (with no tie) will get you kicked out of the house concert by women who, for one reason or another, have chosen to conspire against you. the kind african american man with a soothing baritone voice will act as an ally, hiding you behind the open front door while trying to diffuse the situation. but then a maid who doesn't speak english and doesn't notice you there will pull away the curtain that's keeping you from being seen, and those women who want you gone will notice you're still around. they won't react very well. vindication will finally come in a strip club, of all places. and supposedly they serve really good chicken wings. oh, and that kind man who tried to help you isn't actually human; when he told you something about "keeping them close", he didn't mean it the way you might have thought. he peels his chest open to allow other men inside, where they take on the form of serpents, coiled inside his machinery. 130206
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in a silent way you can warn a man there's dynamite on the roof, but you can't stop him from climbing up there. 130207
...
i read this as "you can warm a man when there's dynamite on the roof" 130207
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in a silent way i like that! it has the ring of truth to it. 130207
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in a silent way a small piece of paper will fix your broken thumb just fine, but where your little finger is concerned, you'll need screws surgically inserted for each of the phalanges. note to self: don't break your pinky finger. 130208
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in a silent way a dead body on the front landing isn't going to clean itself up. but a good distraction from the need to dispose of it is the promise of rainbow milkshakes. 130209
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in a silent way there are four words in the english language that lead to spontaneous and immediate arousal. if only i could remember what they are... 130210
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in a silent way red and green diamonds growing out of the side of a mountain will eventually become soggy fruit loops and their value will deteriorate accordingly, but they're still good for at least two hundred bucks if you find the right buyer. 130211
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in a silent way anger never really leaves altogether. it just takes a vacation, until the subject of your ire returns to stir the pot again. 130212
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in a silent way martial arts skills are almost always there when you really need them. and the true litmus test for whether or not a significant other will get back together with you is their dog; if the little white fluff ball is sad without you around, you just might have an opening. just make sure you're carrying a baseball bat over your right shoulder in a non-threatening way at the moment of truth. 130213
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in a silent way the teeth of a house key will slice through skin like paper, but there will be very little pain, and no blood at all. and if it's your hand that's cut, there's another layer of skin underneath all unblemished and ready to go. 130214
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unhinged if i'm gonna get enough hours at work, i'm gonna have to start working on different floors 130214
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in a silent way when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. so what do you do when your stepfather hands you pristine sliced salami he found in your bedroom closet?

you make a salami sandwich.
130215
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in a silent way no one shows up on time.

for anything.

ever.
130216
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in a silent way the one time you posted your current email address on red without thinking and made yourself googleable may come back to haunt you. but if someone publishes a short blurb calling attention to blather in your local newspaper, they will only mention the spork, daxle, and birdmad, as if those three are the only 'skites there ever were. and for all the profound feelings of embarrassment and shame you'll have over unintentionally betraying the sacred nature of the place, they'll be outweighed by a sense of being slighted. because you're the reason the little article exists at all, and would it have killed them to mention you in there?

oh, misguided vanity...
130217
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in a silent way cats like to cuddle in the morning. especially if you sing some elvis presley for them. 130218
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in a silent way beating on a bathroom door with its own dismembered doorknob is going to result in some serious damage. 130219
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epitome of incomprehensibility If you're a gay male McGill University student you will automatically turn into a volunteer firefighter when you put on a reflective vest. If you're not, you can still watch the volunteer-firefighting awesomeness. 130219
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in a silent way no one knows what happens when you take the "self-defeating satiation pill". 130220
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in a silent way when someone weeps into your forearm and the tears on their face wet the skin on the_underside_of_your_elbow, it feels a little strange. the physical sensation, i mean. a little on the sticky side. 130226
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in a silent way having an argument with an ex in front of your fourth grade teacher in the middle of class is probably not such a good idea. 130227
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e_o_i If I go back in time to undo something I did wrong, the first time will still count as what really happened. 130228
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e_o_i And (in an unrelated dream) my friends will laugh at me if I call an alarm clock a vibrator. 130228
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in a silent way it's okay to lie about your occupation, as long as you have a surplus of lined paper. 130228
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falling_alone I am my grandfather's boots 130301
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in a silent way five minutes is not enough time to gather the evidence necessary to exonerate yourself from a bogus murder charge. 130302
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in a silent way it's hard to sleep in a bed filled with strange-looking plastic toy soldiers. 130304
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styxx (i've said this before)

write_the_ book
130304
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e_o_i I married Ezra Pound, but he won't live with me because I'm living in the wrong place. 130304
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in a silent way black walls kick. 130305
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in a silent way the right bottle of cologne can be used to extort information from an uncooperative subject. 130306
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in a silent way when you've eaten the entire cast of a pretty unexciting television game show, all you have to do is tell them it was the work of godzilla. 130307
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e_o_i If I stand in front of a mirror wondering whether Coldplay songs are "really about science," the reflection of Sidney Poitier will appear, causing me to scream.
(Sidney Poitier is scary???)
130308
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in a silent way there are two devils, but only the one that means you the least harm is real. 130309
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styx your hair is buzz cut, which is so unlikely
but your voice was exactly spot-on

your eyes betrayed your exterior toughness
but you were still unkind

you are unkind

and the pain in my whole being
was felt long after waking
130310
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in a silent way when trying to protect someone suffering from anterograde amnesia, it's wise to wear a cape that clearly displays your first initial, so they'll have an easier time remembering who you are. 130312
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in a silent way a letter can be hidden, but once it's been read, the damage of its words cannot be undone. 130313
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in a silent way i am "an ailing picasso", apparently. 130316
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e_o_i When proofreading children's books, you always have to check that they're the right temperature. 130317
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in a silent way when god returns, he'll use many different names, but he'll attach his email address to all of them so you'll know it's really him. 130318
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in a silent way eating a cheese danish will not reveal the last name of an absent friend. but snooping around in her uncooperative boss's office will. 130319
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e_o_i If I eat 8 alien jellybeans, I'll hallucinate different hairstyles on everyone I see. 130320
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in a silent way when swapping out one stolen car for another, there's no need to check the glove compartment of the car you leave behind; whatever you've forgotten in there that's yours will magically be transferred into the glove compartment of the new car. 130321
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e_o_i I don't need to have sex with people in return for tips about used clothes stores - as long as I send them a link to Google Maps. 130321
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in a silent way telling someone to insert a toothpick into their ear and exhale sharply is a serious insult. especially if the suggestion is made in church, in the middle of mass. 130322
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ever dumbening we _do_ have a functioning spaceship thingy. and it looks pretty much like the millennium falcon. it's silent and can gently float down to allow you to enter from one of the side doors. tons of nerds inside, duh, already knew that. 130323
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in a silent way asking your opponent not to hit you in the middle of a boxing match probably isn't going to do any good. 130325
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e_o_i Cartoon princesses can die from cartoon zombie bites, but they can't become zombies themselves, apparently. 130325
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in a silent way the most convenient way to stay close to someone you're trying to protect when you don't live terribly close is to buy a quaint little coffee_shop in their city. 130326
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e_o_i Those little metal tabs that open soft-drink cans? In Ontario, they are much too holy and dangerous to touch, so they need to be removed by specialized machines. 130326
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e_o_i I can type text onto the screen of a water fountain and even save it, but I can't cut and paste it. 130327
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in a silent way when a dog gives you his favourite toy to take with you on an arduous journey, you're not supposed to refuse it because you don't want to get his slobber on your hand. that's like rejecting a painting gifted to you by leonardo_da_vinci because you don't like the flesh tones he used. 130328
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e_o_i If I'm going for a weekend in Paris and pack clothes but not books, it's a premonition of death. Not necessarily my own death - perhaps the death of printed books, or the death of the idea that I can afford to spend a weekend in Paris. 130328
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in a silent way i can survive for a surprisingly long time after my brain has been removed...like, days. and my personality and memories will remain intact. i'll just feel a little bit slower than usual. 130329
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red spotted penguin your brain is the last thing to go 130329
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e_o_i I'm a waitress in a diner. If I serve people food on garbage can lids instead of trays, I'll be the only one who notices, and then only when I put the lid in the dishwasher. 130329
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e_o_i If I try to kiss the woman hiding between my bedpost and the wall, she'll shrink and disappear. I should've known something was wrong when she said she was Spanish, because the rest of her family speaks Italian and/or Hungarian. They're regular clients at the diner.

If I sleep more, reality will become more real. That, or my father will come in with a tray of various root vegetables, which he claims will help me sleep. So I'm not in a hotel attached to a diner, trying to seduce people whose bodies and languages keep disappearing. That's always good to know.
130329
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in a silent way purple paint is a poor substitute for blood. 130331
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in a silent way how well you'll acquit yourself in a fight has everything to do with how and where your feet fall when you're sprawled out sideways on a bed. 130402
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in a silent way every seven hours i spend in a seated position, my feet grow larger. when i stand up, they immediately revert to their original size. 130404
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e_o_i My code name is Agnostic Waterfall, a "translation" of my real name, and I'm on a mission to find a missing airplane. Only it's a cartoon plane that talks, and none of the other cartoon planes or cars will give me any clues because they live in contempt of humanity. 130405
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in a silent way kevin_spacey makes a strangely effective (if taciturn) guardian_angel. 130406
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ergo When the ground floor is getting shredded
by rampaging pachyderms, call the elephant whisperer.
130407
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no reason a weird-looking blob that you're initially grossed out by, thinking it is some kind of insect, may actually expand into a friendly, talking being that is working for the ex-mayor. 130408
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in a silent way giving yourself a mushroom cut in the bathroom is not as easy as it might seem. and hair grows at an absurdly accelerated rate when the patriarch of the family is dying of an undetermined terminal illness. but only the hair of his children; not his own. 130408
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in a silent way while carpooling, a good way to bring the amiable conversation to a screeching halt is to say, "only one in six of us will make it home, but we'll all live on in each other's hearts." 130409
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no reason ha, i like your dreams, e_o_i. they're surreal. 130410
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e_o_i This one was scary! My cousin never wears dresses! 130410
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e_o_i I suspect that the angel database isn't accurate, but we can't know for sure. 130411
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e_o_i I'd be better off doing a teaching certificate instead of looking for work right away (?) 130412
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e_o_i the literalist It's important to have your ducks in a row. Especially when these are old-fashioned rubber duckies that need to be lined up at the foot of your bed. 130413
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unhinged i could win a fight with deb but then she would get to anthony first and he would throw his hands up in the air and say 'but she's my girlfriend' when i try to tell him my side of the story


but she's been winning that fight for years. i guess my dreams were just trying to remind me...
130414
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in a silent way it's hard to play checkers with hazelnuts. 130415
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e_o_i If a high school teacher insists I go to class even though I've graduated years ago, the best thing for me to do is ask to go to the bathroom, then run away. 130415
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Ouroboros chant, even when on the train with monica 130415
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Ouroboros don't wait to cuddle with that cute boy on the spiral staircase 130415
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in a silent way an elephant's hellos are very loud. it's difficult to play a left_handed guitar when you're right-handed, but surprisingly easy to blow into a plastic musical twirling pipe in such a way that it's made to sound like a trumpet. i make a pretty woman when it's raining outside and there's a party going on down the hall. a police officer will feel my ear piercing for an unusually long time before arresting me for an armed robbery i had nothing to do with, based purely on the hearsay of someone i've never met. i'll have enough time to check my emails before i'm taken into custody, but won't be able to gather my thoughts quickly enough to fire off a few quick emails to friends, because i won't be able to pinpoint who exactly i want to know what my situation is and a bulk email to all of my contacts saying "you won't hear from me for a while because i'm being arrested for a crime i didn't commit" doesn't feel appropriate. jail will resemble the inside of a first class aircraft. there will be no guards, and the only food provided will be occasional bread dealt out based on good behaviour. i'll bond with shaquille o'neal over an affection for the pixar film "cars", and learn in no uncertain terms to "never touch the goddamn fuck_you button". 130416
...
e_o_i In Old Montreal, you can sit outside bars and watch the several TV screens, set to different channels, that are pointed toward the street.

A clothing store has changed ownership but it still has the same clothes, and they still don't fit me. How hard is it to find a plain blue T-shirt?

I can get a cold from singing too much. When I look in the accessory racks for cough drops, I see the lemon-honey ones are part of the Taylor Swift brand. This makes them expensive ($3.50 a package), but luckily the wrappers dissolve in my hands so I can eat them surreptitiously.
130416
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e_o_i Oh yes - and just before I woke up, the head of zidisha.org bought blather, so everyone is sending emails to her complaining blather doesn't work properly. 130416
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PoP Twitter took over this website i think.
only it's more difficult to talk this an that on twitter cos
you know... people take text and they use it in different ways to pick holes in people. A passing cloud is here one minute and gone the next though, people don't challenge that.

like time

you change

feelings change..
like if someone dies... the pain isn't so strong after a while .. that's time.
130416
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in a silent way a fun trick to play on someone is to cover your index finger in cherry syrup and accuse them of biting said finger and drawing blood. the more they protest, the more threatening you get. when the situation has reached its boiling point, you stick your finger in their mouth and give up the ruse. 130417
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srealisma after reading Woody Harrelson the riot act, he won't stick around to be your friend but at least you'll know you know something about plants. Orbital show sold out is some kind of ruse to get me in trouble. Hipster guy working beneath himself in testing center in charge of tickets. If you stick it out you'll only be abandoned late at night with two of the pervier Illinois science teachers. 130417
...
in a silent way after i give a rousing, movie-worthy, surprisingly well-received speech in a classroom about love and optimism (really?), the people who've been most moved by my words will kiss me, and for each kiss i will accrue a certain amount of points. one of the largest hauls will come from kissing actor bryan cranston, clean-shaven, wearing an elegant wig of straight auburn hair, looking like a teutonic drag queen. veronica will offer a kiss, her lips extended as an awkward offering with eyes open, and though i won't really want to kiss her after the kind of friend she's been, i'll hazard a quick peck in spite of my contempt, to get the nineteen points it's worth. and there in the middle of the room, squirming with discomfort, sitting at her desk alone and friendless, will be my mother. 130418
...
unhinged the chaos on in life is like waves in the ocean. it rears up sometimes and then settles back to the source. over and over 130419
...
in a silent way a shaved head isn't always indicative of the intent to betray. sometimes it's simply a manifestation of shyness combined with involvement in a heroin-smuggling operation. 130421
...
srealisma (a main thought yesterday was that shaved heads were a good way to hide in plain sight.) 130421
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e_o_i The kitten I try to pet will try to sink its teeth in my neck; luckily, it isn't real. 130422
...
e_o_i Also, the state of Louisiana should always be fuchsia. Louisiana and fuchsia go so well together that I'll draw three Louisianas, and my map-making teacher will say, No, there's only one. 130422
...
in a silent way i want to stay away from doctors who give unsolicited spankings to their patients. 130424
...
in a silent way sometimes, when you're losing light and all seems hopeless, there's a tiny barn full of candles just waiting to be found. 130425
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unhinged if he's dreaming that you packed up and left him then maybe you should pack up and leave him 130426
...
e_o_i I have to go back to Ontario to finish a class. I just don't know what it is.

And if I'm in art school, I shouldn't paint murals of ancient Greek philosophers smoking a joint because everyone else is doing the EXACT SAME THING.
130427
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e_o_i (not smoking weed, painting murals of Greek philosophers doing so. Now you see. Bunch of sheeple, really, those artsy types.) 130427
...
unhinged if i masturbate on the floor
the cat will find me
and hiss at me
ruining the whole thing
130427
...
e_o_i If I'm climbing a steep hill made of some claylike substance, the most important thing to do is to leave footholds so that other people can climb more easily. 130429
...
in a silent way after zab judah loses a fight, he and his entourage enjoy tuna-marshmallow-and-scrambled-egg sandwiches. and after kermit the frog loses his shirt in a high-stakes poker game with dan aykroyd, when he needs three dollars to make a phone call, kermit can raise the funds by quickly spitting out slogans for three companies he has endorsement deals with; a one dollar coin will fall from somewhere unseen for each product he spontaneously advertises to anyone who happens to be within earshot. 130429
...
e_o_i When I see vultures eating a run-over ostrich in an abandoned parking lot, the best thing to do is just keep on flying. 130430
...
heartfelt My high school music teacher will give me an expectant look when she realizes my sister ditched her class. 130502
...
in a silent way when kurt vonnegut rewrites a stephen king book, the results don't read like the work of either man. 130502
...
e_o_i If I want to adopt a baby girl, I'll have to answer a sheet full of difficult questions - mostly algebra word problems. But before that I'm in a doctor's office and the doctor is telling a couple that if they want to conceive a child they'll have to have sex exactly three times a night. He says he can't do it three times in succession, he'll have to wake up at various intervals, and she says that she doesn't like waking up at night. She is white with shoulder-length brown hair, and he's Indian or Pakistani with black hair and glasses - and absolutely gorgeous, with a soft low voice. But when I assert my presence by telling the doctor "I don't mind waking up at night" (wink, wink!) she reprimands me for lusting after my own characters.

Then I remember that, yes, they do look like characters from a story I wrote, except there they didn't have any trouble having children - they had one daughter. So I go outside to join people for a picnic in a random park, and it's there that I'm offered this baby that I apparently want to adopt. After completing a sheet full of algebra word problems, of course.
130502
...
e_o_i The best way to escape from the cops? Also flying. But not higher than the treetops. This makes for an exciting scene of hide-and-seek in a tree.

(I doubt I really stole that car, though. I can't drive.)
130503
...
in a silent way there's no root_beer in the cooler. but there is roast chicken. and there's a certain nobility in exploding yourself to explode someone else. 130503
...
rhin that one really can look good when running from a tornado if wearing baby blue pumps. 130503
...
in a silent way paper carries no power on the information superhighway. 130504
...
e_o_i I invented a programming language based on triangles, and I can make real landscapes with it. 130507
...
in a silent way it's impossible to use water to disguise the smell of urine on a white shirt without the fabric becoming see-through in the process. saliva doesn't help much either. people who live in glass houses are afraid of falling. my response is a pounding heartbeat that leads to sarcasm. 130507
...
e_o_i Two of my friends will bake a cake for my birthday - but since one of them saw me eat a brownie earlier that day, they'll bake me a vegetable cake. (Seriously. With lettuce.) 130508
...
in a silent way a fist that's broken through a block of concrete several feet thick can carry enough momentum to strike someone's face on the other side and, in one unbroken motion, divorce them from consciousness on impact. that's one hell of a punch. 130509
...
e_o_i The summer camp director's husband will give me a job counseling dishes, provided I can read roman numerals. 130510
...
in a silent way there's the big dish, and there's the little dish, and i'm using her. it just isn't clear which "her" is in use. 130511
...
no reason there are a lot of daves in inuit bathrooms. 130512
...
e_o_i "I was trying to catch a murderer and his blue hat in a swimming pool" is a bad excuse for missing choir practice. 130515
...
Traveller the most insane but sane of us all.

things_aren't)learned from dreams, they tend to be a response to the waking sleep.

.
130515
...
in a silent way in a game of one-on-one basketball that takes place in an upstairs living room, christian bale can come back from a thirty point deficit with a series of clutch three-point shots. 130515
...
e_o_i It's true the "second level of hell" is only a virtual reality game, but it's kind of uncomfortable to feel ants crawling on my skin. 130516
...
e_o_i Also, if I want to download a music-recording program on my laptop, I have to go back to school.

And if I go back to school, it will be a music college, and Nicki Minaj will be in my class. The students will gather in the parking lot pushing me to have a rap duel with her, but I will decline, saying she's too good. Then I'll have to compete with five other girls, all of us standing in a circle, to see who can sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" the loudest. I won't win, but I won't lose.
130516
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in a silent way i shouldn't write a verbal presentation for history class in such convoluted, faux-poetic language that all i can read out loud without getting jammed up is the opening salvo: "a-hoo, said virdention, as he sat there a-twilling" the name "virdention" an invention to create a rhyme with "intervention". 130516
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Emptyness_alive That I may lose all I have yet still dream that there may be more :) 130517
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e_o_i I'll go back to the publishing office on a Friday to edit a pressing project. This will be finished before lunch, upon which a couch and food court will appear. When I'm chilling on the couch with the other editor, her drinking lemonade and me writing a story in my green notebook, my boss will come in, saying he doesn't want me there until next month, so what am I doing? I don't have to answer right away, but I'll say respectfully that the other editor called me, that I did the work I needed to. I'll also offer to volunteer for them in the meantime just to show them I'm loyal.

I will have no idea how I got there in the first place.
130517
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in a silent way they've done some renovations at my old high school, and now the only way to access the stairs is to grab at the air like you're gently tugging on an invisible fishing line. if done correctly, this will seemingly weave a rope from the ether, and then stairs will appear where before there were none. what you're really doing is conjuring the rope from its hiding place and rendering it visible and palpable, but it's tricky holding onto something you can't see or feel until you've grasped it just the right way. 130518
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e_o_i Chickens live in the Arctic, but they are very tiny. 130518
...
in a silent way the body is a drum
with a deep bass sound
the body is a drum
we pound and pound
130521
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e_o_i (that should be part of a song)

"Serial killers" aren't always murderers. Sometimes they're just people your parents hate.
130521
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e_o_i In the country, housing requirements are divided into three categories: food, objects, and rooms (thank you Gertrude Stein). Straw houses make decent tennis courts. 130521
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e_o_i If my potted begonia refuses to reproduce with another begonia because this one is "his sister," it's a sign that I've been treating him... er, it... too much like a human. (Mind you, these are plants that talk and, apparently, have sex.) 130522
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e_o_i It's perfectly normal to find myself in the back seat of a minivan, chatting with the people next to me, while my past self sits in the seat in front of me. But when she turns around and sees me she'll start screaming, and I'll get scared and jump out of the car. 130524
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e_o_i (Ha, "find myself." I didn't realize the pun until I'd read it over.) 130524
...
in a silent way if i bring a self-made comic book into the bathroom with me, it will become a stack of printed pictures of random people and lose all comic book qualities. my sister will do her best to get inside to read it regardless, and no amount of wrestling with the door will get it to stay closed. 130524
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in a silent way the best place to teach someone how to throw a proper jab is a capacious, strangely majestic public restroom. 130525
...
e_o_i Near my parents' house, all the fences are connected, and every year in May they're rolled around. Some of the fence sections have flags on them, and my mother says she hopes we don't get a Confederate flag like that one time, or the neighbours will think we're racist. But we get two flags, Belize and Bhutan, and I'm very excited because the flags of small countries are considered good luck.

Furthermore, mold from long-unopened food containers will turn into cucumber seeds if planted correctly.
130525
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in a silent way when i'm moonlighting as a private detective, my name is holiday. johnny holiday. who cares if you're any good at solving crimes when you've got a cool name like that? 130526
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in a silent way when you're on some sort of temporary leave from prison and the other prisoners give you an ultimatum (you can either take the bus back to prison with them to prove your loyalty, or ride with the guards on a different bus to admit you're a rat), the best way to solve your dilemma is to shun both buses, opting instead to hitchhike. this is especially true when you're inhabiting the body of denzel washington. 130531
...
in a silent way you should never ask a proctologist for soap; it will make them very angry, and you'll have to try and explain to them that "soap" and "blood" are two markedly different things. 130601
...
in a silent way when the running shoes i left in the park disappear, it'll be the work of louis c.k., and i'll have to brave a garbage chute like it's a dry water slide if i want to reach his basement lair. he'll play dumb, even as i sift through his supposed lost_and_found container discovering other items of mine in his possession. as summer turns to winter in the space of a few minutes, he'll feign concern for my unprotected feet, leading me to believe he's going to at least offer me a ride home. instead, he'll hand me a small plastic bowl to sit on and push myself through the snow one shivering inch at a time. and all the while, he'll act like he's doing me some great favour by letting me borrow one of his bowls. 130603
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in a silent way it's never a good idea to throw a dead body in the dryer while trying to determine how best to dispose of it. you can forget it's in there for a while, and then, well...no amount of fabric softener is going to help. 130604
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rhin that i could possibly be a lot more limber than i originally thought. ;) 130604
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in a silent way some experiences are so harrowing, they need to be read in a book rather than experienced firsthand, softened by the veil of fiction. 130605
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in a silent way even immortals aren't above storming off in the middle of arguments with their significant others to steal some alone time with a jet ski. 130606
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in a silent way when your enemy can't be seen because it's a waterborne flesh-eating bacteria, your only real weapon is a golf club. 130607
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in a silent way egg crates born on the backs of featureless men made of stone are deceitful, dangerous things. 130609
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e_o_i When I make a mini swamp for a snake in my parent's backyard, the snake will turn into an alligator. And, like saxophones, alligators that are short and uncurved are soprano alligators; unlike saxophones, they shouldn't be brought anywhere near one's mouth. 130610
...
e_o_i (*parents')

Also, when my hotel room is booby-trapped so that someone sends a live mouse flying into my face when I step on a spring, my first and most immediate concern will be for the mouse.
130610
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in a silent way blather doesn't quite look right as an online magazine in PDF format. also, small dogs are bad liars. 130610
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srealisma one of my old friends, who just wants me to be happy, has had access to one of my bookshelves in an abridged format. her interest, which she willingly gives up, is what she has to offer me. it's my extended family, whom she has barely a clue, that is the big mysterious nourishment she seeks from me and everybody else she and i both know can't look.

also, she's become a urologist. that's because she's so magically and compassionately detached in her doctoring.
130611
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hizzy for_you're_information 130611
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raze when ingesting a person who passed away tragically and has been preserved in a form that looks something like a dried root or a curled twig, it's a good idea to save the nose, in case you get hungry again later. you know, for a snack. 130611
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in a silent way (i just used my name from the other place in the wrong place by mistake. i guess it was bound to happen, but still...d'oh. d'oh to the nth degree.) 130611
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in a silent way after accidentally hitting a cat's tail with your foot because you didn't see them standing on the floor in front of you, one way to redeem yourself is to let them chew on your fingers for a while. as long as the baby tomatoes in the master bedroom are intact, you'll know you haven't caused any lasting damage. 130612
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e_o_i When Ouroborous from blather sends me an email consisting of poem-pictures, it will turn into a box full of knitted sweaters when I look at it a second time. 130621
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e_o_i spell check (Ouroboros. Sorry.) 130628
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unhinged when you hide from things, they always find you 130628
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in a silent way i'll never be ready for love, and no amount of emoting from joe cocker is going to change that. 130705
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in a silent way what at first appear to be court papers from someone who's suing you may in fact only be the pages of a letter explaining how you ruined their life, complete with helpful diagrams. 130905
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In_Bloom Some pains are ever present, on conscious mute but they are there and when I sleep, they play at eleven 141101
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Lemon_Soda That we're fine...just not together. 141101
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hfse Your sister is a dangerous and manipulative liar motivated by greed and envy or jealousy (I can't tell which - perhaps both).

My sisters are both fickle, treacherous traitors... but wait, the dream was only about one of my sisters while the other sister is actually unpredictable in her manner of sabotaging hatred.

In all cases I am glad we don't have the same father.
160525
...
narrowly averted accidents Dreams about absurdly prolonged bodily functions are a direct warning from your autonomic nervous system via your subconscious that you need to get up and go to the can in reality

Right
The
Fuck
Now
160526
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from