things_ive_learned_so_far endless desire i don't sleep much. i just think. my brain made me without a pause button and it really doesn't know when to let up. but i was thinking about things ive learned so far in my life and i realized that i have figured out many lessons that people much older than me are still trying to understand and i felt kind of proud of myself and who i am become...which is rare for me. so i thought i'd fill blather today with something different. not necessarily all positive...but not completely negative. im in school. i base my life by grades. im only in 10th grade but ive learned a lot. not close to all but im trying. 1st (grade)(or grade 1 for eyedream and doar--the canadians)- i learned what sadness was and the word 'divorce' and what it was like to live without my papa. i learned how to embrace change and how life can get better. how to love new people and new lives and new families. i learned how to climb a trees and play video games. 2nd- i learned that if i wanted people to love me i had to please them. if i wanted my parents to pay attention to me, i had to be perfect. if i wanted to not get in trouble, i had to be silent. but i just had too much to say. i learned that i wanted to do everything and that i wasn't afraid of anyone at all. 3rd- i learned that i didn't like the way i looked. i learned what a scale was and who i wanted to be like. i learned that school and good grades were everything. 4th- i learned how to talk with adults and have them listen (sometimes). and i learned how to diet and how to do flips on the monkey bars and how to swim real fast on the team. i learned that it was fun to walk on the grass field by myself and sing songs and make up stories and chains of flowers. i learned that the other kids didn't care and i learned to lose a spelling bee because the substitute teacher asked me the wrong word. 5th- i learned how important kindness was and i accidently threw up in class. so then i learned what a good sense of humor was and that i could make people laugh by reacting well to jokes. i was the bunt of the joke more often then not but i learned how to laugh really hard at myself and at life. 6th- i learned what the in crowd was and how important it was to be part of it. i learned how to fall into what everyone else wants me to do and i learned that sexual humor was funny and that bad words were cool. and that homework could be brutal and that everyone cries because when my teacher got really sick, even daniel, the tough kid, started crying during the middle of a report. he never let us talk about it afterwards though. 7th- i learned that it was wrong to walk alone or to try anything new without a pack of friends. i learned that good grades weren't everything and that it's no fun to be the good girl. but i also really started to take religion seriously in discovering what i wanted believe, not what i was brought up to believe. so i went to church and studied and made a lot of friends. and then i learned how to make myself throw up and how it might fit my life real well. 8th- i learned that i was wrong in 6th grade and that the in crowd isn't everything. i learned that boys liked you if you were confident and i learned that reputations can go down fast even if you didn't do anything much at all. people just always want to talk. 9th- i learned to think for myself. how to be different and how to be ok with it. how to educate myself in ideas and world matters so i could have an opinion. then i learned opinions were hard to come by because both sides seem valid. i learned what "love" was and how much it hurts. i learned how young i was and how little i knew. and i found blather. and i learned how to cut myself and how it felt good. i learned what real friends were and how i'd rather have one than a pack of people who didn't care. 10th- im learning what sadness is and how much i can appreciate the little things because i feel miserable. good days are worth gold. a sunset holds more worth than achievements. family holds more value than a "social life." and for once, im not using other people to complete me but completely me with myself and my beliefs. i learned how to drive. and i think im learning how to express myself and deal with a few other things i learned when i was little that i didn't write down because i don't want to. but that's mostly what i've learned. i hope i'll add a hell of a lot more. i hope maybe other people will too. maybe i'll be okay. 040111 what's it to you? who go blather from