birdmad am i wearing a mask or is the mask wearing me?

burying myself in the remains of the day each day until it piles up like tenement filth to the rafters like cartons and wrappers

detritus, debris, and me
silentbob one more word but its already too late
i remember everything now
i keep forgetting
but not really
it just goes away for a while
but not really
i just need to keep it in mind
then the hours waiting, the days the weeks
they go by quicker when shes in my heart but not in my arms.
birdmad memory persists

though i wish it would stop

and just when i think i'm ready to stand up and move on

it comes again like a baseball bat to my knees
birdmad four years past: playing chauffeur for the two of you, a night at the movies...the last of the big summer in that_dress, back and forth across the city streets until 4 AM

three years past: the night in the arms of the red witch and her razorblades, the decision that this was no longer the path i wanted to be on

two years past: sitting with you in the back of the truck as we made our way down from the mountains to the little mining town turned hippie art mecca/tourist trap, the wind whipping through your honey-colored hair

a year ago, and tonight...wishing i understood what went wrong
Skalar pokes, and prods my thoughts, showing me details i missed and messages i ignored. what a relief when i can feel the poking and the prodding, and realize that i had not missed any details nor have i ignored any messages. 010805
and... persistence and passion is all i ask 020323
unhinged refracted 020324
Joana. My mind collapses
Like his melting clocks
And I...
Have simply nothing more to say.
bethany the trouble with epitome is that you always know what it is
the worst
the yummiest
the best
the saddest
and when i think of the worst anything i think about that lie and how he's really alive and how his mother thought i was lying
and my heart wells up to cry
Photophobe My friend john would always hang it in his room sideways because he thought it had been mistakenly framed sideways. I pointed out that the title was then sideys, but he wouldn't listen.

Pissed me off no end.
bethany he hung maps from string but only got to two of the town in the county
i wondered why he was hanging the county if he couldn't get around it
afro celt sound system youll be what you want to be
right here
with me
jane memory's persistence is a contradictory bitch.

while at times i want to savor the moment forever, take a mental picture, capture a smell in a jar, keep a piece of this taste in my scrapbook & have it all never change, i can never remember exactly what moments were like. even, which is to say especially, those moments i loved being in.

while at the same time the moments i want to throw in the dumpster & run away from haunt me
nocturnal the only way to prove (at least to yourself) that you are the same person you were 7 or more years ago even though your body consists of entirely different cells from then. if only boats had persistence of memory, philosophers wouldn't have a problem with any of this. 031020
pipedream t'aint persistence. its the fact that memories never leave your head, so they keep pinging off the insides of your skull, and every time one hits the wall you remember it because a little memory-bubble on it (akin to bubble wrap) bursts, and wafts a scent or a colour or a word into your consciousness.
and then you rememember, triggered by that one, tiny little thing.
ashmanzhou some things fade to a distant point
other things sleep deep and hidden
and you fear to sleep in case
a breath of wind evokes cold razors
and warm blood
or a memory stirs and colours flash
like a wheel of fire inside your head
and cold hands grip your arms
and suddenly you are back
crying blood more than tears
as people scream around you
caring without feeling
saving without hope

forever thou shalt dream of memory
thou dreams-memories of undying hate
cry and start to wakefulness
for he is not there-he is dead
reue no matter how hard you fight it
its still there
i wish i could suck it up and just live with it, instead of trying running away all the time
at least it'll always be there for you
acidshank the feeling i cant forget about.
a rush every time. cant get enough.
why couldnt you just be with me all the time. you make me happy. one of the only ones. comfortable. funny.
i dream about your touch. why not?
jane memory has dropped off the page
like melting clocks, decaying;
sliding down white petals
bent over a pipe curve.
can't remember words, fillers
that we used. toenail moon sliver
vanilla bean. where did hmmm
whatsitcalled frustration. why
not? frontal lobe disrepair, words lost
like forest tree bark, brownalmostblack
beetles and grass, hoppers or dodge me
baby beam fall. leaves & letters left behind,
my lover mine
unhinged falling_into_memories_of_you 050523
picture 050524
nonsensical i feel like i remember all the things i wish i could forget. 050524
War a_pet_within_100_days_'soda_flavor'_everywhere 050524
* crime_of_aggression * 050524
Piso Mojado blessing
to be connected to my past
or to push on past it
birdmad dark_chocolate 071203
jane sestina 081010
In_Bloom Not to discount because mortal time is precious and you'll never have it back

Filter through and glean as much of the good as you can, revere it and ask it to alert you and lead you to more

Amplify what you have, don't overthink it
Make it into as much as you can at that moment... you never can tell what is possible
dries&hardens is all that makes us human

like the taste of rainbow sprinkles in pastel yogurt
the electric color of freeze pops praying to lightning for rain

the persistence of memory
is all that keeps us fragile

like the taste of stainless steel in a lake of grit and grease
the boiling sun's backbone begging to burn out from the heat
. ... 110212
what's it to you?
who go