birdmad Here in its unabridged glory is the letter.

One one hand i am being a terribly self-indulgent asshole for doing this.
On the other hand, it's an act of sheer masochism and there is nothing lef to lose
(one neme has been changed to Note: my own thoughts on certain points will be inserted in {brackets}

"Dear [birdmad],
Sorry i haven't gotten in touch, but i 've been wondering what i should say to you to make you understand where I'm coming from. {Well, the truth, told consistently might help}
First off, I know you love me {regardless of whether or not you feel the same you have a damn weird way of acknowledging it} and would like to have something more than just a friendship with me {Uhh, you invited ME to go with you on that little border trip to refill your birth_control, you're the one who talked about a weekend trip to Monterey and to Rocky Point, so excuse me if i thought we were already past that point} Second, your gifts are all very nice and i thank you for them, {they were nothing, really, i would have given you better if i could have} Which brings me to the reason I have not gotten in touch with you. You never did anything really wrong EXCEPT decide that you were going to fall in love with me {Wait, it wasn't a decision, it just hit that one night when i dyed your hair, and how can it possibly be wrong to want to try and bring you the same kind of happiness as you've brought me up 'til just now}

Not that I'm not flattered, but please don't send me anymore gifts {why, is your mother still accusing you of using me, hell, even if she's right, it's really none of her business} You are someone worth loving {well you could have fooled me -- but if not by you, then by whom?} and a very good friend {yeah, so good you can't bear to say any of this to my face} but i have to go by what my heart feels and that is that I hold you as a cherished friend {!?!?!?!!!} and nothing more {funny, i'm feeling a lot less than "cherished" here, the vibe i'm getting is: "eeew! AS IF!"} Please dont hurt over this {you're kidding, right?} I know you're lonely {only when you'renot around, dear} and need someone who loves you just as much as you love them {you had me convinced, but i suppose that's what i get for thinking, if not you then who?} That is why i quit talking to you {well, that's another hole in the "cherished" theory...i'm getting confused} because i felt that you were getting too attached {you're my best friend and i'm in love with you what did you expect} I started to feel uncomfortable around you when it seemed like you weren't able to notice that i kept backing away from you when you got a little too touchy {yeah, i noticed, i noticed that you never seemed to back away until i'd been doing whatever i was doing for a good long while before you decided to push me away...did you ever notice how confused that made me? or that time my hand made it's way up under your pantleg from your ankle to your thigh -- you didn't push me away, in fact you made no protest at all, i stopped because I was afraid to go too far just enire identity is tied up in my ability to notice things}

I'm not saying i thought you would rape me {!!!!! well JESUS CHRIST!!!, i should hope to hell not, but the fact that you feel the need to mention it that way means you are afraid that i would...if you really do know that i love You, you would know that i would rather die than be guilty of THAT} but i couldn't have that because no matter what, i can't be with you in that way knowing I don't feel the same love as you do {so you're telling me that everything i thought we had together was a lie, everything you led me to believe we could be was just a set-up}

Please understand this - you meant a lot to me as a friend {"meant???" what, is it suddenly past tense? If so, then what do i mean to you now?} I would get in touch but i would rather just write you once in awhile {what are you hiding that you can't bear to look me in the eye or hear the sound of my voice? is the sight of me so hard on the eyes?}

It's not because i love anybody else {well that's what it was the last time you left me sitting here alone in this sick, awful silence, so why shouldn't i suspect the same now?} I just care enough to know that there shouldn't be pain between us {then why have you done this, why have you let me go on so long believing that i was anything special to you at all} and that i already feel close enough to you to know that what I said must suck {amen, darling} but trust me {i'm sorry, you've ensured that i can't anymore} my heart believes in only holding you as a friend {does it make YOU feel better to say that?}

Sincerely {now, that's debatable of late} Samantha

...(and with that you now know how bird went mad)
birdmad Please pardon the spelling...
it was late, i was drunk.
BIRDMAD IS DEAD "so pardon me
while i burst
into flames...

...pardom me
pardon me
for never being the same"
ClairE I feel sort of weird sticking my nose in here, but I've noticed you talking about the

I'm not saying i thought you would rape me {!!!!! well JESUS CHRIST!!!, i should hope to hell not, but the fact that you feel the need to mention it that way means you are afraid that i would...if you really do know that i love You, you would know that i would rather die than be guilty of THAT}

part around in blather. I have no idea what background or history you two have, but when I read it I don't think she mentioned it as a concern. I thought it was a figure_of_speech. Of course, I am in no position to decode what she is saying. But sometimes it takes a couple of times of reading something to see another slant. God knows I've read things in a different way than intended, and made decisions and had conversations -- and arguments, of course -- based on an "incorrect" reading.

So maybe that might help.
birdmad it's okay, i'm finally past all of it.

it took me awhile, longer than it ever took me with anyone else, but i don't wake up and go to sleep wondering anymore

i learned to take it for granted that in spite of the things she might have said to the contrary, i was nothing more than a game to her, a whipping boy for all the shit the others in her past had put her's the only conclusion that makes any sense.

what bothered me was never that she asked me to stop during those moments when it seemed as though things between us might become more clearly sexual, but that she would let me go so far before asking to stop knowing that only some months before, she had no qualms about taking that step with someone who ultimately regarded her as disposable
and if she really understood me at all she would have known that what i wanted was more than just that.

if i had known in the beginning that there was someone else, i wouldn't have gone out on that limb, and owing to that sudden change in her expression during those moments, from looking as if she was enjoying my attention to the "deer-in-the-headlights" look of panic (even though i was never rough or insistent or even the least bit pushy) when she would suddenly be telling me to stop

in the year and a half that we were dating i took things very slowly so that she would understand that i valued her more for who she was, that i wanted to be good to her and for her in all the ways that anyone else had been bad and that i loved her for how she made me feel as a person than for anything else, it wasn't even until the last few months that i gave any indication that i wanted her and even then i was scared (especially since all of my other attempts at serious relationships seemed to disintegrate the moment i said "i love you" and my only successful involvements were flings that relied purely on sex which always struck me as odd since i have never considered myself to be anywhere nesr remotely attractive - i get by on charm alone, i think)

the last few times we were together were incredibly tense (so, as such i didn't "try anything funny") but whenever i tried to bring up the subject of where our relationship was going she would either get evasive or just not talk at all

i still wonder why she would even need to phrase herself that way in the letter if she never considered me capable of it unless she was implying in some less than subtle way that maybe she DID think it, god knows it would explain the fear in her eyes (which always hurt me more than i could ever put in words to tell her)

i must be over her now though, because while i did feel the need to address this when i saw it, i don't die every time i see or hear things that remind me of her. god knows it's been long enough
ClairE It makes me feel proud to hear that you think you are over her.

Feeling glad for each other is a wonderfully easy and satisfying thing to do.

Syrope that letter. i still think about it. i never should have sent it...shoot, never should have written it! and he still has it, i know he does, because i called to ask him to destroy it right after it got to his house and he said he would keep it forever, pinned on the corkboard above his bed. i'm sure there's a root of this problem... what was i doing in his bed? that's the good question. or even better...what was i doing thinking i was more valuable than his drugs?

this past semester i was sitting in my car during 4th period, chewing on a ink pen while i did a quiz in a magazine. he came over (he'd been skipping, and he slurred, so i know why he skipped...) and opened my door. stood there for a few moments, and said "oh, i tought that wash a joint...thought you would wanna come smoke up witsh me"...oh yes, retard, i sit in the school parking lot during school and smoke marijuana, yea that's me. you know me. i didn't really dump you because you smoked pot. really. and then he contacted me a few weeks later and asked why we never had sex.

well, i learned never to send letters that i write to if that solves anything. i never learn the really needed lessons.
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