term_papers_you_couldn't_care_less_about 2 1/2 wise cracks Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in five seconds". Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists. If assigned a two-thousand word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, right? Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an A. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.) When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies. Hand your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee.. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers' reactions to Spuds McKensie. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins. Make your paper one long, never ending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-|/??!]}... Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!" Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!" then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the professor throws you out. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists. Refer to all prominent historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky". Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action". 010208 ... Alexander Beetle Van Gogh seems like a naginata kind of turtle. But that's just me. 010501 ... nocturnal I'm seriously considering that one about saying that I'm not sure if the class really exists or if it and the professor are just illusions created by my subconscious for my philosophy final. maybe right at the beginning I could say I was about to not write the paper because of it, or maybe I could add it in at the end or something. I could never just not write it, especially for the final, but it's just so damn tempting, I wanna use it in some way. think that's too risky? I think my prof has a pretty good sense of humour. 010501 ... Dafremen The existence or lack thereof of the people places and things around us are probably the most tired, burnt out, over used topics in the entire field of philosophy. I prefer the relationship between the individual and society...or the human race and the universe. Although also touched upon, the ruts in the road down these paths aren't as well worn. P.S. My dad has a Masters in Philosophy and a PhD in psychology. I raided his library frequently as a child. HOW did I end up a high school drop out? sigh 010501 ... unhinged maybe you ended up a high school drop out because your intelligence would not allow you to put up with the BULLSHIT that is a high school existence. 010501 ... Dafremen BINGO kiddo! Funny thing was, it wasn't until years later that I realized how WRONG I was about the purpose of High School. See the purpose of high school ISN'T to teach kids Math Science and English, it's to teach kids to do things that they may not want to do, as STUPID as the kids may think those things are. Basically it's boot camp for society. It took ACTUAL boot camp in the military to teach me the importance of doing what you gotta do regardless of how stupid you may think it is. 010502 ... mmm the one i'm reaserching for right now... in school 010502 ... u24 i actually knew someone who wrote his Philosophy exam answer in about one paragraph, the main argument was something like this: I'm going to ignore the question, because I don't even know if you exist. If you mark this paper, then you must exist, if you don't then we're still no closer. Therefore, if you mark me at all, you must give me 100%, because I will have proven that you exist. I'm pretty sure they failed. I also heard about someone who did their 3rd year dissertation as an expressive dance. I beleive they also failed. 060215 ... epitome of incomprehensibility These ideas are very funny. Too bad school isn't tailored to our individual needs. Try this: when you write an essay, always describe things by what they aren't. For example: Integral signs are NOT treble clefs... 060215 ... anne-girl Integral signs are not treble clefs... but a lot of people think they are 060215 ... Ouroboros dissertation as an expressive dance- they would've done fine at my school (i know a girl who wove a rug for credit) 060215 what's it to you? who go blather from