so_lonely
bijou no one's knocked upon my door
for a thousand years or more
011004
...
bijous fellow police lover all made up and nowhere to go
welcome to this one man show
just take a seat they're always free
no surprise no mystery
in this theatre that I call my soul
I always play the starring role...



p.s. bijou - have you heard the live versions of this song? they're fantastic.
011004
...
bijou i love you.

















i revoke my former comment to kingsuperspecial. will you be my boyfriend?

.
011004
...
bijous fellow police lover I don't want to disappoint you bijou, but I'm afraid I must.















I'm a girl.
I wish I could console you by giving you Sting, Stewart, or Andy's phone number, but unfortunately I haven't a clue as to what they are, seeing as I am very, very unfamous. life is rough and tough, and

I'm so lonely.
011004
...
black-winged birdmad with a broken back that's my_soul up there 011004
...
bijous friend the police lover I feel low low low
I feel low low low
I feel low low low..........

FUCK I love this song.
011006
...
bijous friend the police lover I think I'll make my point again:

Lonely, I'm so lonely
I feel so alone
I feel low
I feel so
Feel so low
I feel low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
Low, I feel low
I feel low
I feel low
I feel so lonely
I feel so lonely
I feel so lonely, lonely, lonely, lone
Lonely, lone
I feel so alone, yeah

So lonely...
011006
...
bijou okay sorry. i knew it was too good to be true anyways. i'll stick with k.s.s. 011006
...
bijous friend the police lover not a bad idea. he's super sexy ;) 011006
...
nah....! _ferchrissakes,
wow.

i'm so *fucking* lonely.
011110
...
nah....! and goddamn, i love the_police.

why can't sting just show up at my doorstep? WHY?
011110
...
Syrope tears sprang to my eyes and i was immediately ashamed. and immediately grateful for the not-quite-sunrise darkness. if you'd seen me and realized i was crying, i don't know what i'd have done. i wouldn't even have been able to piece together an explanation.

i've always been amazed at what the smallest touch or bit of attention from you can do to me. i don't know what it is. rationally, by a text book, i want to say that it is that you haven't let us fall into having sex, so my brain is dancing in delusions of "he wants me around for some other reason"...? but i also think you just have access to parts of my personality that no one else gets. i feel comfortable with you, and so priveleged when you let yourself seem even a tiny bit comfortable with me.

there were just so many useless moments that i read SO MUCH into. there was a second when you looked at me when we got caught in the rain getting firewood, and i was soaked and had water streaming down my face but i was still happy. the face you made when you said "gah, i got you all wet, why did you even walk down here with me again?" and i smiled up at you as you pressed into my back/shoulder under the umbrella and said something i've always wanted to say to you: "because you asked me to". even the way you were amused that i wanted to make you a s'more, and then brought me a sour apple from the woods -- it struck me as some sort of dutifully adorable trade. writing this i feel 8 kinds of ridiculous, but it's harmless. silly romantic notions. i'm perfectly aware that 99% of these things i read into, with anyone, mean absolutely nothing. but it's fun, so i will keep doing it :D

i tried my damnedest not to let myself (not so harmlessly) read anything into the fact that you weren't correcting anyone who assumed we were together. no one ever ASKED me, they would just joke about us or refer to me in a way that said they were just...sure that i was yours. i didn't say anything to confirm or deny, it wasn't my family! when she told you "wow, you've really got it all together then. you've got the girl..." and beamed at me before turning back to you to list more things that you've got, i was sure you were going to say something. i was sure it was going to hurt me way more than i had been prepared for. but you just laughed. your "i don't bother explaining things" makes sense on paper, but it...i mean...it could have been a one line explanation. we would have all laughed and moved on. i HAD to bring it up today to hear you say it was an issue of convenience, because it was getting to me. why'd you bring me, anyway? you had to have known this would happen.

your friend was like "so he's of course going to be bringing you when we do the race next week!?" and i was like "hmm, you'll need to ask him about that" i figured we wouldn't hear any more about it, but then as soon as you came back he was like "you're bringing her next week, RIGHT?" and i've...never had that. and your mom smiled as she listened to my story of how i got where i am and she was like "that sounds just like him, i see why you two get along" and i was like "aw MOM! mom-approval!". later you walked through and swatted me with a pair of socks, and i saw your mom's eyes flick to mine as i lifted my face to smile at you. i was like "fuck. she knows that i'm crazy about him, even when he eventually (?) explains to her that we're not together"...you're so lucky to have the family you have.

i was most embarrassed when you sulked off from the fire and i started to worry where you were. i was like "maybe he went to put the tent up for us"...my brain snapped "what makes you think he'd do something like that for YOU? and how dare you even think in terms of "us"...you're pathetic" so i convinced myself you'd just gone off on your own to chill. when you came back i was all meekly "where'd you go?" and you looked at me like i was crazy and said "uh, to put the tent up. it's ready" and my heart jumped. why is it that i...oh god, esosm. when someone's decent and nice i just find it so easy to fall so hard.

i was fully prepared to go to sleep alone while you stayed out, so i liked that you joined me even at the early hour of 11. i had promised myself that i wouldn't try to initiate anything with you. i feel like i must have blatantly said to your face at least a few times before "you can have anything you want from me" so i ...have to assume you're not dumb. that resolve lasted all of about a minute. sadly, it had taken you all of about 30 seconds to fall out. i would tentatively snuggle closer, and try to will you to touch me. you'd turn towards me sometimes, away sometimes, but continue sleeping, and i'd reach for your hand or put my hand on your arm or back, and you'd just not react at all. after a bit i'd pout and turn away. then you'd turn away too and i'd be like "well...no such luck." i tried to masturbate, and i don't care if you do claim you were asleep the whole time, you turned towards me and you moved and sighed on cue as my hands travelled my body, my elbow against your side and the sound of skin on skin in denim and under sweatshirt your only cues. that only made me hornier, but damnit, i couldn't get off, so i gave up for a bit before trying the whole thing again. LIKE 4 TIMES.

it seemed like you were subconsciously responding encouragingly to subtle things i did, but when i actually lay a hand on you or pressed my face into your chest, your body language tended to say "no"...which shamed me, except every failed attempt just made me want you more, which shamed me even more. i was *trembling*, i wanted you so much. i don't think that's ever happened to me before. i've always been proud to be able to make guys do that, but it's never turned on me.

i didn't even really want anything extravagant...i trusted you to have a quiet orgasm so the surrounding tents never even knew, but there was no way we could have pulled off actual sex. i wasn't letting my mind run there. you don't want to have sex with me and i take it 100% personally, so i guess i hope it IS personal. you won't talk about it. i still think about it, of course, but i wasn't letting myself last night. so while i can't imagine EASILY containing myself any other way with you, the fact is if (IF) we ever have sex, the emotional impact of it is just going to blow my fucking mind and i will not be being quiet or subdued by any stretch of any imagination (damnit, that scares me).

so i just lay there with the voice in my head begging you to touch me. anywhere. you could have accidentally elbowed me in the face at that point and i think i might have come right then and there. i was fucking electric, buzzing with this strange desire. strange as in, i knew 100% you weren't going to randomly wake up and be like "sure, why not? let's hook up" but i wanted you to... i dunno...even in your sleep!...just press into me or touch me. i blame the beer. i've only ever been this horny before (alone! with 0 provocation) when there's (a lot of) beer involved. but i didn't even have that MUCH!

so the next morning i'm laying there blinking sleepily at the tent wall wondering what time it is (it was apparently 5:45ish) and you turned towards me and scooped your body into the same position as mine. there was like, an even inch between us, all the way down, but every cell in my body was suddenly so aware of your proximity. then i remembered the unsatisfied tossing and turning i'd done all night, and the waking up from a crazy and sad dream where i think you were touching my face but i couldn't feel it, and laying there listening to the rain and hoping it stayed at a sprinkle so we didn't DROWN, and trying to get you to sleep-talk to me when you were dream-mumbling, and i guess i remembered where i was and how badly i had wanted you to do this the night before (minus the damned inch). so i froze.

you pushed an arm at me, brushing a hand across my shoulderblade, i suppose missing me for all intents and purposes if i could imagine that was your aim, and then rolled back away. and i cried. i FUCKING cried. i didn't have any choice in the matter. i guess i am just that pathetically lonely.

all this time i've been putting the emphasis on "look how many guys i have on hand at the moment that want me!" and i was safe because i didn't have anyone that i really wanted (vs superficially only wanting them to want me). i lied to the girls at work when they were listing who at the office they'd date. i said that i had learned not to spend any effort daydreaming about "real relationships" (vs fantasizing for the sake of fantasizing) with guys who were 100% unavailable. i meant married men, or men we've met a few times but who are based on other continents. but something tells me that you ...even though there are no legal/ethical/geographical issues keeping us apart...you are still also still almost 100% unavailable.

so i guess i shouldn't be wasting my time.


almost.
080706
what's it to you?
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