seasons_in_the_sun
illusionary_reality i won't let you go. ever.

i'll be waiting here, if you change your mind. the memories linger, almost haunt...and your presence makes no difference.

but something changed, as subtley as it dared. here i am, with arms wide open, and for all eternity...i shall stay.
just in case.
040724
...
illusionary_reality **It is not the mirror that is shattered, but reality that has become blurry at the edges**

If only...but my mirror is shattered nevertheless, and the world has come crashing about my shoulders. The seams are being ripped apart.
It is no fault of yours, but mine that these poignancies will remain unsent.
040724
...
illusionary_reality as the night holds me in its warm embrace, the thought of you floats into my mind. softly, ever so gently, i hold it, careful not to let it go...almost jealously i guard this precious secret. i'd love to let it linger, forever. but the ravages of time gnaw at us, and look what we have now. an emptiness born of days of endless joy, seasons in the sun.
a whisper, a cloud, a dew drop - and the feeling dissolves. an awkwardness bears down on us, and you know it. i know it too. words spoil it all, bring back the memories of what was, but never will be again. dozens of unsung melodies, unwritten letters, caper precariously before me. but it too late. you shall never see them, never see me again.

i want you to, but this meeting of the souls is not yet.
i don't need to say it, you know i do, and i know you love me.
040724
...
illusionary_reality bah.
nothing matters, you fool. yet you go on, in search for it. heh. you'll probably never get there, and when you do, you'll regret it.
040926
...
illusionary_reality does it ever matter?
always so self absorbed.
you, me, the world.
050202
...
illusionary_reality and somewhere, in this crazy fuck, new stories are being made.
of songs, lyrical and wonderful, of all things great and small.
i want you to go away.
i don't want you to go away.

i just wish you'd make up your mind.
050202
...
illusionary_reality leave me in peace so i can continue, so i can forget the pretence.
so i can stop trying to let out my angst on a blue screen, with words on it.

but the truth is, i'm finding myself freer in front of the screen. with the keys at my fingers, the world is what i will it to be. i can be different, and say all sorts of crazy, frantic nothings. i can fly, above the heads of everyone else, and i can be free.
but you persist.
fuck your goddamn righteous hand.
050202
...
illusionary_reality almost a year.
yet at the same time, much much more, and nothing at all.
i live in lies, my resilent breath drowned in evil.
050211
...
illusionary_reality i don't want you to come. i don't want anyone else to come. solitude is all i hope for, your short memory is all i pray for.
and just like the snow melts, one day you too will fade away.
go away. go away now. before i make you.
050211
...
illusionary_reality i hate it when you give me the Look.
sometimes its pleading, sometimes blatantly curious. do you think about what goes on in my pretty little head? do you intently study my reactions...to your new life? or do you condemn me, to the darkest of dark corners, so you can be yourself?
050216
...
illusionary_reality from now on, this is not only for you, but for other you's as well. 050222
...
illusionary_reality it still hasn't hit me yet, that you're going.
today, i wanted to say something, but i didn't know how to say it. i never do. i thought, perhaps being there was the best i could do.
to each person one has to frame things differently.
but now i'm going to say all those things, say them because i can put them simply, and i know you won't ever read this to not understand it.
i'll miss you. because you seem to care, even in my worst moments. more than that, you make me smile. and cry.
thank you, for everything - for introducing your Paradise to me, and making me feel special.
love.
050222
...
illusionary_reality funny.
everyone i seem to care about goes away, literally, or metaphorically.
well. i suppose the former is better.


*sigh*
050223
...
illusionary_reality what did we have? what did we lose?
what do you have now?

what do i have?
will i ever have anything again?
050322
...
blown cherry Cat Stevens - Seasons In The Sun

goodbye to you my trusted friend
we've known each other since we
were nine or ten
together we've climbed hills and trees
learned of love and abc's
skinned our hearts and
skinned our knees

goodbye my friend it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing
in the sky
now that spring is in the air
pretty girls are everywhere
think of me and i'll be there

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed were
just seasons out of time

goodbye papa please pray for me
i was the black sheep of the family
you tried to teach me right from wrong
too much wine and too much song
wonder how i got along

goodbye papa it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
now that the spring is in the air
little children everywhere
when you see them i'll be there

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song like the
seasons have all gone
we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song like
the seasons have all gone, yeah

goodbye michelle my little one
you gave me love and helped
me find the sun
and every time that i was down
you would always come around
and get my feet back on
the ground

goodbye michelle it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in
the sky
now that the spring is in the air
with the flowers everywhere
i wish that we could both be there

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the stars we could reach
were just starfish on the beach

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the stars we could reach
were just starfish on the beach

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song like the
seasons have all gone

we had joy we had fun we had
seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song like the
seasons have all gone

------------


has only other people's words tonight
050323
...
illusionary_reality other people's words are often made our own.

how often are they spoken, to render ineffectual meaning, and eventually wither away? why say anything then?

because one chooses to create realities, and metaphorical seasons in the sun.
050330
...
illusionary_reality i created you because i felt compelled to. because everyone else had someone and i had no one. so, drawing on you from childhood memories, i made you mine. you became as real to me as to those for whom you were created.
there were elaborate stories about us, we were soulmates, you were perfect, you made me whole.
no one noticed all the while (or did they? am i deluded?) that you were mirrored on someone else's life. they humoured me anyway, and continue to do so.
now that there is no mention of you, they call you dead. because all of a sudden, without warning, someone else proposed to be mine. i gave in, and you had to make a hasty retreat. you never returned, because the lies caught up with me. you seemed ridiculous, a weakness, something i had to hold on to. i didn't want to lie anymore. even when that someone else remained no more, i never got you back into my life. i called you dead too.
and then recently i was reminded of the real You, the real version of the perfection in my head. and i discovered i did love you. not You, because i haven't seen You for an eternity. but i do love you, i consider myself yours, and i consider you mine. for now.
060219
...
Fritz lovely pieces I must say 060613
...
illusionary_reality a last bow.
the curtain falls~~
060712
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from