birdmad disarm me with those half-lidded eyes

beguile me with your words
tell me again how you dream of flying

draw me close and push me away again, reminding me that i am more of Caliban than Romeo

call me "cherished" but leave me on a shelf to gather dust

you were the reason i stayed when my blood called to me like a siren song to run to a place where the ties sill bind

when i had nothing and was nobody

you are the reason i long to run now, even though i have found a niche and begun to make my name

here, take back your letter and these pictures of us, i need no evidence that you were here other than this livid highway that bridges the distance from the heel of my palm to the crease of my elbow
birdmad i keep sitting here.

it's never taken me this long to get someone out of my system.

"There she goes
there she goes again
racing through my brain
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains

There she goes
There she goes again
pulsing through my veins
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains

There she goes
(there she goes again)
there she goes again
(there she goes again)
racing through my brain
(there she goes)
and i just can't contain
this feeling that remains"

( copyright 1990, The La's )
birdmad in the end, it's funny.

the three_words i had hoped might be the foundation for something permanent served to unravel what, in retrospect, seems to have been little more than an illusion

as it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be

" love_will_tear_us_apart "
birdmad for some reason now, remembering the cover of that CD you showed me just before we went up to the park that night, the faces at every angle. That first night, that first outing together the one that would find us stoned and wobbling our way up a hillside on the edge of the city in the middle of an early autumn night. The same night that would become morning and see us sober, walking carefully down to the swingset and marveling at the bats as they retuned to the sanctuary of the rocks where we ourselves had been perched on.

You sat in the swing, rocking back and forth but not quite in a full swing
I sat on the ground at your feet looking up at you.

I'd give anything to have that day back again - to see you lit from the back by the rising sun and to dream of what the future held in store.

The angels will ask me what my best day was, before they send me to hell to relive it, knowing that it was the beginning of a lie
fairydust all of the lovers are fed to the dogs. 000410
MollyGoLightly It's a cat name. 000416
birdmad to which end i suppose that, collectively, me and my emotions are the mouse. 000416
MollyGoLightly Seems like you got away before she broke your neck and draped you over her owners' welcome mat. That's at least one thing to be thankful for.... 000420
birdmad Well, according to chinese astology, i AM a rat 000420
MollyGoLightly It's a good thing I'm a monkey, then. I can escape into the trees before the tigers catch me. 000420
birdmad "If he is a pisces/rat and she is a pisces/horse/..."

I don't remember the book i got it from, but it said something like this:

"it may start nicely enough, it may go along nicely enough, but it will end badly. The piscean aspect will draw them together - sensitive, artistic and moody with a penchant for addictive behaviour, they wil seem like a perfect match. The union of the horse and the rat, however...well, let's just say that disaster is inevitable. The rat will love the horse as passionately and as sincerely as his nature will allow him (and knowing the sentimental side of the rat personality, that can be pretty deep), but the horse, though she may care - or at least seem to on the surface, can't seem to stop injuring the rat...he will revert to the most negative of his piscean tendencies, so take care to lock your liquor cabinets if you are anywhere near one of these characters"

I never believed any of those damned astrology books until then.

the taste of southern comfort, cloying, sickly sweet on the lip of my glass... eegh...where's the orange juice?
birdmad BENVOLIO Good-morrow, cousin.

ROMEO Is the day so young?

BENVOLIO But new struck nine.

ROMEO Ay me! sad hours seem long.
Was that my father that went hence so fast?

BENVOLIO It was. What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?

ROMEO Not having that, which, having, makes them short.




ROMEO Out of her favour, where I am in love.

BENVOLIO Alas, that love, so gentle in his view,
Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!

ROMEO Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still,
Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!
Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
Dost thou not laugh?

BENVOLIO No, coz, I rather weep.

ROMEO Good heart, at what?

BENVOLIO At thy good heart's oppression.

ROMEO Why, such is love's transgression.
Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast,
Which thou wilt propagate, to have it prest
With more of thine: this love that thou hast shown
Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.
Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:
What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.
Farewell, my coz.

BENVOLIO Soft! I will go along; An if you leave me so, you do me wrong.

ROMEO Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here;
This is not Romeo, he's some other where.

BENVOLIO Tell me in sadness, who is that you love.

ROMEO What, shall I groan and tell thee?

BENVOLIO Groan! why, no. But sadly tell me who.

ROMEO Bid a sick man in sadness make his will:
Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill!
In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman.

BENVOLIO I aim'd so near, when I supposed you loved.

ROMEO A right good mark-man! And she's fair I love.

BENVOLIO A right fair mark, fair coz, is soonest hit.

ROMEO Well, in that hit you miss: she'll not be hit
With Cupid's arrow; she hath Dian's wit;
And, in strong proof of chastity well arm'd,
From love's weak childish bow she lives unharm'd.
She will not stay the siege of loving terms,
Nor bide the encounter of assailing eyes,
Nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold:
O, she is rich in beauty, only poor,
That when she dies with beauty dies her store.

BENVOLIO Then she hath sworn that she will still live chaste?

ROMEO She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste,
For beauty starved with her severity
Cuts beauty off from all posterity.
She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair,
To merit bliss by making me despair:
She hath forsworn to love, and in that vow
Do I live dead that live to tell it now.

BENVOLIO Be ruled by me, forget to think of her.

ROMEO O, teach me how I should forget to think.

BENVOLIO By giving liberty unto thine eyes;
Examine other beauties.

ROMEO 'Tis the way To call hers exquisite, in question more:
These happy masks that kiss fair ladies' brows Being black put us in mind they hide the fair;
He that is strucken blind cannot forget
The precious treasure of his eyesight lost:
Show me a mistress that is passing fair,
What doth her beauty serve, but as a note
Where I may read who pass'd that passing fair?
Farewell: thou canst not teach me to forget.

BENVOLIO I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt.
Midnight Bliss that's my name...and i'm not a cat either *S* (*meow*) 000501
fairydust take heed molly. i AM the tiger. 000502
birdmad take heed all.

what charm or wit i possess
is compensation for a face that is, on its best days, generously described as "interesting"

see: caliban
birdmad i don't know why i love you
god knows i wish i didn't anymore.
I wish i could cultivate an impenetrable veil of pure apathy
so thick and cold that the thought of you never crossed my mind again.

but the harder i try, the harder it gets.

"so pardon me/
while i burst/
into flames..."
BIRDMAD IS DEAD there is nothing left to say.

i asked you for an explanation.
i demanded one.

in the end, i begged you to make me understand

But you never answered.

If you meant any of the things you said in that_letter or any of the things you said when we were together,
you would have.

Thanks for nothing.
moonshine I love a Samantha. A lined purple punk hair and Knee high doc martens. All her piercings and fiercely obnoxious green eyes. She's so tiny, but ohhhh so tuff.She calls me her Dollface. In her little black dress. 000527
Imago (larval stage) and if she listens carefully...
she might hear a song emanating from deep below the surface

the sound of a strange_voice_singing_behind_the_wall
samayyel "in the back
off the side / and far away
is a place
where i hide / where i stay
tried to say
tried to ask / i needed to
all alone
by myself / and where were you

how could i ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore
would never change
is different now

just like you
would always say
we'll make it through
then my head
fell apart
and where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore
would never change
is different now

like you said
you and me--
--make it through
didn't quite /
fell apart/
samayyel in_dreams i see you still.

calling out to you but you never answer.

But then, why should the world that lurks behind the veil of sleep be any different from this one?

the hope for peace of mind remains a pleasant fiction
until certain quaestions are resolved
birdmad Oh when i was in love with you
Then i was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well i did behave.

And now the fancy passes by
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that i
Am quite myself again.
birdmad oops... above poem...

by A.E. Housman (1859-1936)
Grendel someone please tell me...

what the hell was i thinking?

What i can't stand isn't the fact that she played me like a cheap fiddle...

What i hate is the fact that i let her do it without defending my own heart or offering up any complaint.

Guess i'm better off keeping my cards close to my vest
birdmad Memory is a curse

Otherwise why would i remember that today makes exactly four years since i met you and eighteen months since the last time i actually got to hear your voice

it's pretty amazing
in some pathetic way
that you are still on my mind to this extent

that's something that has never happened before,usually a couple of months and i'm right as rain

but no,
you got in further than anyone else has
and took more with your exit than any before you

i've tried on any number of occasions to convince myself that i hate you

but i'm only deluding myself

on a few occasions i wrote you
trying to provoke an answer

or to get you to say you hate me

anything to help me let go

moonshine down for you is up 000727
moonshine The only Samanthas I ever knew were bewitching with there masochistic ways, and extremely depressed. I think I ll take one out dancing tonight. 000909
typhoid ;) 000909
moonshine Dress me up in your hate 000910
birdmad 3_libras

(even though, ironically enough, we're both pisces)
birdmad an_anniversary_of_sorts

Shes as pure as New york snow
moonshine I'll always love you for the person you were ment to be. 001003
moonshine Shes throws herself on my bed, breaking the the silence, waking me with flowers, and enfolds my confusion in her embraces. Shes a substance enhancing all the rest within me. The lover, I'll never have. 001108
Seed Yeah, I'd do her. 010322
Tai C. i think i want to spend the rest of my life with a samantha. in fact, as of now, its my life's goal. 010409

"And you
bring me to my knees
All this time
that I could beg you please

All the times
that I felt insecure
(for you)
And I leave my burdens at the door

I'm on the outside
- I'm looking in
I can see through you
- see your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
- ugly like me
I can see through you
- see to the real you

All this time
that I felt
like this won't end
- was for you
And I taste,
but I could never have - it's from you

All those times
that I tried
- my intentions
were full of pride

And I waste
more time than anyone

I'm on the outside
- I'm looking in
I can see through you
- see your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
- ugly like me
I can see through you
- see to the real you

All the times
that I've cried
- all this wasting
- it's all inside

And I feel
all this pain
- stuffed it down
- it's back again
And I lie
here in bed
all alone
- I can't mend
And I fear
will be okay

I'm on the outside
- I'm looking in
I can see through you
- see your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
- you're ugly like me
I can see through you
- see to the real you... "

silentbob the second girl i ever kissed 010529
silentbob Changes for Samantha

yolanda! what's fonzie like!??
birdmad five years removed from the first introduction.

a cloudy day just like today.

Hot sultry day, patches of sunlight shining through the wavering storm clouds.

If i knew then what i know now, i never would have agreed to any of it.

Down to the very hour.

That easy charm and that sleepy, slightly stoned smile

faded Pink Floyd t-shirt and grey boot-cut jeans and black canvas sneakers sandy blonde hair with short bangs stopping little bit above her eyebrows.

it was their reunion, but not entirely successful. a few phone calls after that. someone introduced him to another girl, they spent a few weeks getting to jknow each other before he realized (with my help) that she was a much better choice.

the more often i talked to her in passing, the more interesting i thought her to be.

I still blame him more than anyone.

i still can't relly say i blame her though.

i just wish she had been straight with me or given me a real "goodbye" instead of the backhanded flattery of her letter (that_letter) and the things she said before that

('s got blue skies up ahead
and in this i'm a raincloud...)

i think i'll have a drink tonight, maybe a few, test out that new double shot glass i bought at the little store in Flagstaff, (one for the road, i presume?) the Route 66 sign painted on the front.

i don't go out much anymore because i know what to expect from the club scene and i'm not getting any younger.

(...all of this then back again
another girl another name
stay alive and stay the same
it's a stupid game, stupid game...)

"it's been awhile
since i could hold my head up high
and it's been awhile
since i first saw you

it's been awhile
since i could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since i could call you"

ClairE spunky, called sam.

i knew one who was not good_looking but could charm anyone. she got accused of stealing at her job--i'm surprised she entered the corporate_world.
the news didn't surprise anyone.
we knew she would pick herself up
and dust herself off
and jump gleefully back into the saddle.
monkeywrench " last thing before i quit
i never wanted any more than i could fit
into my head
i still remember
every single word you said
and all the shit
that somehow came along with it,
if there's one thing that comforts me
i was always caged but now i'm free"

--foo fighters
lady lunchbox i miss her very much, but time tears people apart.

she's one of those people who had her time in my life, but now she's gone. i'll never forget her.
Made deserted me for her love,
forgot the essential key of friendship.
stid white childish and tiresome
sometimes forgot herself
my baby
birdmad i should have been angry with you for the things you did, for the lies you told

i should have been less tolerant of the games you played

but no, i was such an idiot, i was so blinded by the way you let me feel in those little moments when you weren't twisting the knife in my heart that i let it all slide, i built a dam around all the venomous things i felt so that even now i have to fight with myself not to be a self_contained lake of poison

today is six years removed now from a day i have come to regret with whatever little tattered scraps you left of my soul.

i realize now that the only fault i bear in this is for putting up with all that you were willing to put me through

i handed you my heart and you handed it back to me with another man's heelprint ground into it, when he threw you away, you punished me for it expecting me to bear it with no defense, and when you threw me away you had the nerve to ask me not to hurt over it

and now, sometimes i damn you quietly in my head and in my heart for all of these things that still eat at me because now i carry a measure of the same guilt as you

because now i am the one lashing out, now i am the one who has hurt someone who did not deserve to be hurt, the big difference between you and i is that i actually love the one i hurt and have the capacity to regret what i have done

i really wish i could hate you but the only thing i learned from you was to hate myself

and maybe i can't bring myself to hate you, sam...

but at least i can finally say that i don't love you anymore
paperthin we samantha's are a rare breed 040427
samantha too bad dear and even if i do regret your pain i could instantly cover it up with dark aggressive colors making it look like rage and hatred.
well, good if i taught you to hate yourself. at least now you know what it feels like and surely someone LIKE YOU would never understand the pain.

good, i hope i fucked you and marked you the way it should be done, sort of a gift that you didn't want but received anyway.

i've only repayed the favor and i'm still NOT DONE
lightning on a clear september night knife_twisting 040428
birdmad the_persistence_of_memory

(did we really see lightning that night on the hill or did we just hallucinate it? stoned and laughing as we wobbled carefully up the rocky trail...)

what's it to you?
who go