samantha birdmad disarm me with those half-lidded eyes beguile me with your words tell me again how you dream of flying draw me close and push me away again, reminding me that i am more of Caliban than Romeo call me "cherished" but leave me on a shelf to gather dust you were the reason i stayed when my blood called to me like a siren song to run to a place where the ties sill bind when i had nothing and was nobody you are the reason i long to run now, even though i have found a niche and begun to make my name here, take back your letter and these pictures of us, i need no evidence that you were here other than this livid highway that bridges the distance from the heel of my palm to the crease of my elbow 000402 ... birdmad i keep sitting here. it's never taken me this long to get someone out of my system. "There she goes there she goes again racing through my brain and i just can't contain this feeling that remains There she goes There she goes again pulsing through my veins and i just can't contain this feeling that remains There she goes (there she goes again) there she goes again (there she goes again) racing through my brain (there she goes) and i just can't contain this feeling that remains" ( copyright 1990, The La's ) 000404 ... birdmad in the end, it's funny. the three_words i had hoped might be the foundation for something permanent served to unravel what, in retrospect, seems to have been little more than an illusion as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be " love_will_tear_us_apart " 000405 ... birdmad for some reason now, remembering the cover of that CD you showed me just before we went up to the park that night, the faces at every angle. That first night, that first outing together the one that would find us stoned and wobbling our way up a hillside on the edge of the city in the middle of an early autumn night. The same night that would become morning and see us sober, walking carefully down to the swingset and marveling at the bats as they retuned to the sanctuary of the rocks where we ourselves had been perched on. You sat in the swing, rocking back and forth but not quite in a full swing I sat on the ground at your feet looking up at you. I'd give anything to have that day back again - to see you lit from the back by the rising sun and to dream of what the future held in store. The angels will ask me what my best day was, before they send me to hell to relive it, knowing that it was the beginning of a lie 000409 ... fairydust all of the lovers are fed to the dogs. 000410 ... MollyGoLightly It's a cat name. 000416 ... birdmad to which end i suppose that, collectively, me and my emotions are the mouse. 000416 ... MollyGoLightly Seems like you got away before she broke your neck and draped you over her owners' welcome mat. That's at least one thing to be thankful for.... 000420 ... birdmad Well, according to chinese astology, i AM a rat 000420 ... MollyGoLightly It's a good thing I'm a monkey, then. I can escape into the trees before the tigers catch me. 000420 ... birdmad "If he is a pisces/rat and she is a pisces/horse/..." I don't remember the book i got it from, but it said something like this: "it may start nicely enough, it may go along nicely enough, but it will end badly. The piscean aspect will draw them together - sensitive, artistic and moody with a penchant for addictive behaviour, they wil seem like a perfect match. The union of the horse and the rat, however...well, let's just say that disaster is inevitable. The rat will love the horse as passionately and as sincerely as his nature will allow him (and knowing the sentimental side of the rat personality, that can be pretty deep), but the horse, though she may care - or at least seem to on the surface, can't seem to stop injuring the rat...he will revert to the most negative of his piscean tendencies, so take care to lock your liquor cabinets if you are anywhere near one of these characters" I never believed any of those damned astrology books until then. the taste of southern comfort, cloying, sickly sweet on the lip of my glass... eegh...where's the orange juice? 000420 ... birdmad BENVOLIO Good-morrow, cousin. ROMEO Is the day so young? BENVOLIO But new struck nine. ROMEO Ay me! sad hours seem long. Was that my father that went hence so fast? BENVOLIO It was. What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours? ROMEO Not having that, which, having, makes them short. BENVOLIO In love? ROMEO Out— BENVOLIO Of love? ROMEO Out of her favour, where I am in love. BENVOLIO Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof! ROMEO Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will! Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here? Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. Here's much to do with hate, but more with love. Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate! O any thing, of nothing first create! O heavy lightness! serious vanity! Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms! Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health! Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is! This love feel I, that feel no love in this. Dost thou not laugh? BENVOLIO No, coz, I rather weep. ROMEO Good heart, at what? BENVOLIO At thy good heart's oppression. ROMEO Why, such is love's transgression. Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast, Which thou wilt propagate, to have it prest With more of thine: this love that thou hast shown Doth add more grief to too much of mine own. Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears: What is it else? a madness most discreet, A choking gall and a preserving sweet. Farewell, my coz. BENVOLIO Soft! I will go along; An if you leave me so, you do me wrong. ROMEO Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here; This is not Romeo, he's some other where. BENVOLIO Tell me in sadness, who is that you love. ROMEO What, shall I groan and tell thee? BENVOLIO Groan! why, no. But sadly tell me who. ROMEO Bid a sick man in sadness make his will: Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill! In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman. BENVOLIO I aim'd so near, when I supposed you loved. ROMEO A right good mark-man! And she's fair I love. BENVOLIO A right fair mark, fair coz, is soonest hit. ROMEO Well, in that hit you miss: she'll not be hit With Cupid's arrow; she hath Dian's wit; And, in strong proof of chastity well arm'd, From love's weak childish bow she lives unharm'd. She will not stay the siege of loving terms, Nor bide the encounter of assailing eyes, Nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold: O, she is rich in beauty, only poor, That when she dies with beauty dies her store. BENVOLIO Then she hath sworn that she will still live chaste? ROMEO She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste, For beauty starved with her severity Cuts beauty off from all posterity. She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair, To merit bliss by making me despair: She hath forsworn to love, and in that vow Do I live dead that live to tell it now. BENVOLIO Be ruled by me, forget to think of her. ROMEO O, teach me how I should forget to think. BENVOLIO By giving liberty unto thine eyes; Examine other beauties. ROMEO 'Tis the way To call hers exquisite, in question more: These happy masks that kiss fair ladies' brows Being black put us in mind they hide the fair; He that is strucken blind cannot forget The precious treasure of his eyesight lost: Show me a mistress that is passing fair, What doth her beauty serve, but as a note Where I may read who pass'd that passing fair? Farewell: thou canst not teach me to forget. BENVOLIO I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt. 000426 ... Midnight Bliss that's my name...and i'm not a cat either *S* (*meow*) 000501 ... fairydust take heed molly. i AM the tiger. 000502 ... birdmad take heed all. what charm or wit i possess is compensation for a face that is, on its best days, generously described as "interesting" see: caliban 000502 ... birdmad i don't know why i love you god knows i wish i didn't anymore. I wish i could cultivate an impenetrable veil of pure apathy so thick and cold that the thought of you never crossed my mind again. but the harder i try, the harder it gets. "so pardon me/ while i burst/ into flames..." 000510 ... BIRDMAD IS DEAD there is nothing left to say. i asked you for an explanation. i demanded one. in the end, i begged you to make me understand But you never answered. If you meant any of the things you said in that_letter or any of the things you said when we were together, you would have. Thanks for nothing. 000526 ... moonshine I love a Samantha. A lined purple punk hair and Knee high doc martens. All her piercings and fiercely obnoxious green eyes. She's so tiny, but ohhhh so tuff.She calls me her Dollface. In her little black dress. 000527 ... Imago (larval stage) and if she listens carefully... she might hear a song emanating from deep below the surface the sound of a strange_voice_singing_behind_the_wall 000529 ... samayyel "in the back off the side / and far away is a place where i hide / where i stay tried to say tried to ask / i needed to all alone by myself / and where were you how could i ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you? how could i ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me-- --make it through didn't quite / fell apart/ AND WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? 000605 ... samayyel in_dreams i see you still. calling out to you but you never answer. But then, why should the world that lurks behind the veil of sleep be any different from this one? the hope for peace of mind remains a pleasant fiction until certain quaestions are resolved 000605 ... birdmad Oh when i was in love with you Then i was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well i did behave. And now the fancy passes by And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that i Am quite myself again. 000702 ... birdmad oops... above poem... by A.E. Housman (1859-1936) 000702 ... Grendel someone please tell me... what the hell was i thinking? What i can't stand isn't the fact that she played me like a cheap fiddle... What i hate is the fact that i let her do it without defending my own heart or offering up any complaint. Guess i'm better off keeping my cards close to my vest 000703 ... birdmad Memory is a curse Otherwise why would i remember that today makes exactly four years since i met you and eighteen months since the last time i actually got to hear your voice it's pretty amazing in some pathetic way that you are still on my mind to this extent that's something that has never happened before,usually a couple of months and i'm right as rain but no, you got in further than anyone else has and took more with your exit than any before you i've tried on any number of occasions to convince myself that i hate you but i'm only deluding myself on a few occasions i wrote you trying to provoke an answer or to get you to say you hate me anything to help me let go sleeping_beauty 000712 ... moonshine down for you is up 000727 ... moonshine The only Samanthas I ever knew were bewitching with there masochistic ways, and extremely depressed. I think I ll take one out dancing tonight. 000909 ... typhoid ;) 000909 ... moonshine Dress me up in your hate 000910 ...