nonexistant girl she never told anyone
she never talked about it

it was something that had never happened
same as above actually, she told her father,
because he was the one she used to go to
when her dolls' heads would pop off

she thought
he could make her feel better like that

but instead he just got angry
and she felt like it was all her fault
and she didn't feel any better for telling

so after that she didn't want to talk
her siblings tried to get her to
her mother tried but

everytime anyone tried
it only ever hurt to talk

so she never told anyone
after that initial telling
she could never really talk

until one day
who knows why?
it's crazy really
she started writing

it's only now
she'll admit
to remembering
before six

but even at that
it's only this or that

because, even though
there are some things she can't forget,
there is a lot she can, a lot she has

and that scares her some, to know
to not know
to know she doesn't know

to feel like her childhood
is a book full of holes
.she and it's funny how she has to write as 'she'
like as if that puts some distance
between her and the words she is typing
like she's talking about someone else
nom me she and how simple it all looks in words
simple little words, painful words

and how easily
i get it all mixed up
just like everything
just like my mother mistakes
the second for the first
and me for my older sister
when she mentions it
asking me like it wasn't me
but how my oldest_sister
when she hears this steps in
to set the record straight
like it needs to be known
that i was the one
i was hurt too
it's understandable to me
yet unbelieveable
that my mom would forget
after all the surgeons' knives
it's understandable now
yet unbelievable
that my father reacted the way he did
back then when_i_was_small

i know him now more than i did then
i know too much, i don't know him
what's it to you?
who go