i_don't_know twiggie ...what i believe. what will happen after i die. my thoughts get so confusing to myself when i try to think this through. i've been raised to believe in god, and that if i'm bad i go to hell, if i'm good i go to heaven...but then sometimes they say god forgives everyone in the end anyway so i'll go to heaven. but i don't want to go to heaven, or hell, i don't believe they exist. so what will happen to my family and friends that do believe? maybe their god exists, but so do 3 or 10 or 50 other gods and goddesses. there are these endless possibilites constantly running past me. are the ones i know going to go to their heaven and am i going to go to mine? am i never going to see them again? is it going to even matter? will i remember them? will i be happy? will i be lost? or will i just be dead, covered with some dirt, remembered by a few who still live? what will i be reincarnated as? i've tried to sort this out, set it straight...so many times. but i don't have the answers. and i think the way i'm pointing is going to lead me in the happiest life. i think i'm content with that. maybe. 010125 ... fallen the very first steps....struggling.....tasting a new flavor.....distancing....reach.....grasping for the new air....lucid....aware....where to go from here? 010125 ... guitar_freak i don't know much about how much I wish I did. 011114 ... celestial i dont know exactly what i did or why i did it. or why i feel the way i do or why things are the way they are i just know i want it to stop now 021105 ... limanne about anyone but me. 021105 ... pilgrim This Phrase is My Universal Answer It Works for every Question that comes My Way, And is Generally the Truth. 021106 ... nome what lies there in_between my eyes and what i see and what i see the mystery 030730 ... bandersnatch i dont know what to expect from any action. it scares me. it makes me afraid to cange gears in anything from school to social life to cloths to even getting a new computer. it is nothing spacific, its not like i think that college will suck, or new friends we be mean, or now cloths will suffecate me, or that a new comp will brain wash me, its just that...well..im not sure y it is so unerving for anything to change. its one of the few things i_wish_i_knew 030730 ... misstree because it's the unknown, and wearing a new sweater might just get you hit by a bus. make a game of it. change little things and notice them. don't think, if you let yourself get psyched out by change you'll be paralyzed and slowly calcify. just close your eyes and jump in. i promise there's only a small chance of drowning. 030731 ... crOwl i guess that's why we do anything because we want to. we actually want to know. on sunday, i want to go to the church of maggie to replenish the soul with carrot juice. after a night with melting molly and rumbling russ one must get themselves right again. 040403 ... anomalous what i'm doing what i'm thinking 050430 ... leni anything, and man do i feel clever for knowing that. 060713 ... tessa and i don't understand and i'm not sure i want to 060714 ... dries&hardens what words are worse to hear? i'd rather hear something decisive-- even decisive indifference. at least some semblance of something real and tangible. how else will i know when? 060716 ... megan do_you? 060716 ... tessa anything i don't know anything I don't understand anything i'm confused and very scared 060718 ... no reason what to say because i don't want to jinx anything 080312 ... raze why i keep reaching out to artists whose work has moved me when i know no one will ever write back and my words about their words won't mean a thing to them. if it's true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, i've known some pretty crazy people. and i'm one of them. 230619 what's it to you? who go blather from