rape
deb little girl just five years old
smiles up trustingly while
he takes her in his lap
after a while, an odd look crosses her small features and she asks
"what are you doing?"
"nothing, you'll see."
she nods and thinks of other things,
or tries to, anyway

next day she asks to wear her
swimsuit in the tub
for fear her brothers might look in
her mother smiles and laughs

ten years later, now she knows
seethes from within
glaring everytime his very name
passes through her mind
until one day he sees her once again
and says, i'm so sorry
she believes
but he lied
and now she's trying to hide again

and they wonder why it is
that she can't trust

she cries uncontrollably as she looks to me for help
what can i say? tell your mom?
she tried, and her mother won't believe-
for it's her father hurting her

shhhh.... shhhh...
honey, it's not your fault...

oh, god, how i wish i could take her from here~
991219
...
birdmad You say you have no fear
that i could do such a thing
to you

and you are right to say so
for i would rather die
than do any such thing

but if you feel the need to mention it, then you are afraid I could

Why?

your choice of words
betrays your unwarranted fear

i cannot take what is not given freely
000503
...
deb and for that, dear bird,
we thank you

i only wish
others
saw what you do
so plainly
...
000503
...
SomeoneElse Homicide of the spirit.
And thats a worse thing than a murder of the flesh.
000503
...
MollyGoLightly I don't know his name, but I know what he did to 2 girls near the bushes by the performing arts building on campus.
And I can't ever walk by myself at night again. For this, I could kill him.
000504
...
lisa_is_bionic Rape. No. Way. Me. 000526
...
Silent Bob Unspoken Request
by Boy Sets Fire

Failed coercion leads to intrusion and the blood forever runs
in her head into her hands between her legs where his mind lies
power drives him into murder innocence
on the rack of his devices vices and designs
she will never scrub the stains from her arms from her neck from her legs the dirt will remain as a reminder of his hateful face
reach in rip apart the inner fibers of her soul
boy, you'll never know how it feels to fear the shame
feel free to walk down any dark street without fear
without shame no one is gonna touch you
and you don't need protection
SHE SHOULDN'T NEED PROTECTION!!!!
and you can sit there with that stupid smile on your face
and try to voncince me that you care defined by your power defined
by her body the innocence she feels everybody else contains
it's lost
it's gone but i gues it doesn't matter anyway
reach in rip apart the inner fibers of her soul
and you can sit there with that stupid smile and your face
and try to convince me that you care
defined by your power defined by her body defined redefined FUCKED TORTURED AND DISCARDED
and if he ever cares maybe he will feel ashamed
for everything he's stolen, for all the trust she gave
possessed and broken she cries but it's not our problem
pull down your goddamn blins he will never think he's wrong she will think you're wrong she will never feel quite right
000615
...
For sure! Don't you EVER even consider doing this. This is not a joke. 000713
...
giftengel no schieße, sherlock 000713
...
paragraphstar Every time the word passed before my eyes, i thought of you. your tender, child's heart beating slightly off time, while mine skips a beat in anger.
and you know that if i could...
001117
...
misstree not human... she's not human... she belongs to me she ASKED FOR IT she's not real i'm real i want i need i WILL

not human... not tears... she's just being melodramatic... she wants it... i want it so she wants it because she is mine... she's not real she's here for me to plunge into and own... i love her i hate her i own her i rape her...

sssh... it's okay... really... it's all okay... trust me... trust... never again... trust me...
001118
...
deb shhhh... shhhh...
it's alright...

alright? alright?
how, exactly, can it be ALRIGHT?
try "alwrong"

but somehow, sometime between
then and now
my heart that once beat
wildly, untamed...
this heart of mine that
begged to just slow to silence...
my heart was quieted,
the only way to keep going
is the strange rythmic pulse
that still beats on-

teach my heart to find joy...
she loves, but she's still afraid
001123
...
b0 y0u
l00k at me
with the eyes 0f a child
yet
have n0 childness t0 l00k fr0m . . .

y0u
seek t0 c0rrupt and destr0y me
and
rip my inn0cence away . . .

y0u
suck 0ut my life's bl00d
and
and spit me back a br0ken dream . . .

y0u
can't even l00k fr0m within anym0re
f0r y0u've
made y0ur life a lie

y0u
seek f0r me this fate
as well . . .
. . . y0u
lust f0r me t0 die

y0u
push me

y0u
pull me

y0u
tear me apart . . .

y0u
break my heart

y0u
break my will
'til i n0 l0nger can fulfill
this sick sp0rt y0u've wrested
n0w br0ken
i'm bested

y0u
vi0lated abused me
then threw me away

g0ddamn y0u
g0ddamn me

f0r i have l0st . . .
. . .and y0u have w0n

yet i still deny it
still i run...
...fr0m

y0u?
001218
...
j_blue sometimes i think it happened to me.

it was a new year's party a few years ago. i was depressed and drank way too much way too fast. i walked out onto the patio and started talking to somebody.

next thing i know i am waking up in the living room, with a blanket on top of me, flecks of vomit adorning my clothes, my pants were down.

later i found out that i had been kissing somebody's exboyfriend, and that i probably had sex. the only good news is that my but didnt hurt...

i dont know if he knew how drunk i was, or what he was thinking. i have never tried to communicate with this guy, though i have the option. i felt violated, i dont know. there is this huge acceptance of that phenomenon, for men at least. my friends acted like i should be proud, that i had had a good time. it sucked. it still does...

so its totally grey, like the right or wrongness of it. its one of those things that are just unfortunate, and thats all that can be thought about it.
001218
...
MollyCule how ironic - five years to the fucking day, and I see the word rape on the recently blathered about page. 001219
...
j_blue no irony, only cosmic_regularity 001219
...
EECP FUCK! This action deserves immediate punishment. The question being, which punishment is enough to suffice for the crime? Is there one? I do not think there is one. Fucking die rapist bastards. I wish I had the moral flexability to kill you. I would kill you all. 001221
...
twiggie i think that at the very least, rapists should have to go through exactly what they put their victims through emotionally, physically, mentally...


Not that this is really all that possibe, but it only seems fair. i don't really know how to describe the punishment i have in mind, but the above is the closest i've come.

i have no sympathy for someone who would rape another.
001221
...
j_blue i dont think anyone deserves any unpleasant experience, regardless of what they do.

its nice if they are aware of what they have done, but there is no way of mandating it.

there_is_no_justice
001221
...
unhinged some people told me i asked for it

"you know what nicole...you should have never gotten drunk with a guy you didn't really know."

and he almost had me believeing that he didn't do a thing to me...i think he knows that i know what he did. and he seems scared whenever he looks at me. it happens to way too many people. and i sat outside with him stumbling drunk smoking cigarettes listening to him talk about rachel and he said "you know it's a good thing that we didn't have sex." and i agreed with him. and the next day i listened to traffic over and over again with jim's words echoing in my head "how does it feel to be used..." that's really nothing new. and i sat there and listened "she screams from the traffic in her head...there's no saftey in dreams." and i cried. i was balled up in the fetal position on top of my bean bag chair on the floor five feet away from where it happened and i cried. and for weeks afterwards i hyperventilated the tears stuck in my throat every glance i got. you should go to the police. it won't do any good if there's no witnesses. what good does it do to have a big battle of words and drag everyone else into your pain? almost four months ago and my parents still don't know. i hope they never know.
001221
...
revenant no one ever "asks" for it.

kick the shit out of the person who suggested that you did. or arrange to have someone kick the shit out of them for you.

then tell them they were "asking for it" by running that festering hole they call a mouth regarding a matter they should never have to understand
001221
...
its true its true correction...someone who has done it to someone is asking for it...repeatedly and with oversized objects over a prolonged period of time 001221
...
j_blue yall are a tad extreme, though acceptably so, i guess.

i am always afraid of violating somebody, sometimes i convince myself that i might have already, its all so grey. i hope that nobody thinks i have, because i know what the feeling is like, but i know that it could happen.

one of the problems with rape is that it is something generally not done to people, but rather experienced by people.

i mean, how many people set out to rape somebody?

its not a pleasant experience, but i imagine living with the knowledge that you did this to someone cant be anywhere near pleasant either.
001221
...
Birdmad Sam treated me like she was afraid i would sometimes.

Always made me wonder.

Always made me hate anyone who could do such a thing.
001221
...
j_blue there is a built in fear of men many chicks seem to have. its annoying and irrational.

my grandma is afraid of me. even girls who are stronger than me are afraid of me.

they are afraid of my maleness, and i hate them for it.
001221
...
fuck don't talk about it, like you know what it's like. 001222
...
danielle im so scared to feel it again..
i dont want to know anybody
just... lock me up.....

dont want to feel him kicking me in the ribs again...
stuffing a doused rag .. tastes like petrol.. into my mouth....
i cant begin to explain
how much pain i feel....

my mind is empty..
i feel numb..
violated...

no one understands me...
i cant feel anything anymore...
010124
...
pathwrat you know how you say a word,
just repeat it over and over
eventually it means nothing
just nonsense syllables devoid of any meaning.
maybe the word means something to you, but by repetition,
it is cleansed?
I had a friend, she would run around all the time, saying it over and over
just

"rape rape raperape rape raperaperape
raperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperaperapeRAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPE!"

(i know you didn't read all those. just imagine if you COULDN'T stop. No mater what. You can't stop it.)
010209
...
peyton I'm a man. It's nearly impossible for me to be raped.

I'm in love with a woman who was almost raped.. she wrote about it once.

My heart caught in my chest. I'd never tasted so much fear.. I'm crying right now.. thinking about her screaming.. the tears are running onto my fingers as I type.

I know someday, someone will read what I've written about rape. I don't know where to begin trying to comfort you. I know there is nothing that can be said to take the agony from your bleeding soul.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you have to live in a place like this, where people do these things to you. I know you will never be the same. I am a man. I could never do such a thing. I know I am on the same gender as he who inflicted this upon you.. but if you met me, I would try to help you. I would cry with you.. I would hold your hand as you spilled it before me.

My love wasn't raped. It was close, but she escaped.. both times. I thank God everyday for that.. I ask God everyday that she not have such a thing happen again. I just want to wrap my body around her like a bandage, and stop anything that might intrude upon her again.

But to you, who didn't escape.. I'm so so sorry. There are many like me.. few like that which did this.. find one..

And he will shield you too.. like I know I would.
010210
...
florescent light I knew something was out of place
But couldn't touch it.
When she left the room
he looked at me with tear filled eyes saying
in a matter-of-fact tone:
"My sister is dead- she was raped and killed.

She walked down the wrong street."

I walked home tonight- that could have been me.
010529
...
yummychuckle alexis told me about Ryan. she said he was cool. that night i didn't come home. I was grounded for a couple months when i did come home.
nobody would beleive me.
and if they would, why should I tell them? i don't need the pity. I deserved it. Its what i get for being me. and listening to Alexis.
Erica knows i lied about the enjoyment. she doesn't know the exact lie. she doesn't know what happened to me.
my own mother doesn't beleive me.
and why should she...I'm crazy.
I"M FUCKING NUTS!
i cut myself, i make myself throw up...
i don't appreciate a goddamn thing in my life!
why should I be beleived. or cared about.
I'm only here to be used.
010601
...
lizardqueen It was the longest ten minutes of my life. Walking home, I thought every car that passed surely had to know what had happened. I was bleeding from biting my lip so much. I could feel the pallor, like chalk, on what was originally an olive complexion. The color had been drained from my body, even my hands seemed sick and empty, the way he left me.


That was the first time i had noticed my hands as i was walking home. The were dirty and matching the quiver on my lip. Healthy dirt had been packed tight underneath my jagged fingernails from the clawing and pain i transferred from between my legs into the earth. The fucking earth I never asked to be put on in the first place.


In the beginning I had put my hands over my face, I guess thats just a natural reaction to pain and crying and terror, you protect your mind from what your eyes will let in. Your eyes will cheat you and let in things to haunt your dreams and concentration forever. But he had pulled my arms away by the elbow, and said, "I want to look you in the eyes..Look ME In The EYES". That was before he started hurting me, at first it was the overwhelming stinging i could feel on the outside of me, but seconds later came an internal pain with every forbidden thrust. I could feel it in my lower stomach, I tried to push him away but he slid his right arm underneath my back, pulling me in closer, making the pain louder, my screams a scale for his measure. My insides felt as though they were collapsing in suicide, my mind now on the art of the bridge, tracing over the clever and vulgar graffitti. but nothing seemed moe vulgar than this, nothing was mine anymore, here on the ground, in the dirt with the bugs and the ants as i was thrusted into the fertile ground. The fireworks had boomed over my howls, my pleas for him to stop, his hushing and grunting. In the sky were the most fantastic fireworks id ever seen. They were enormous and crackling, lighting up the sky even minutes after the boom. Or what seemed to be minutes. They lit up his face in magnificent greens and oranges, flickering the glimmer in his focused eyes. Id live in the sky for a minute and then see a flash of him in the corner of my eye, flashes of him ruining my life.

I dont know how many minutes it had been since he left. Im not sure how long I lied there fermenting in my own tears and blood, with the dirt and bugs. But i belonged with them now, because he took away everything from the inside out. And i had to start all over again. I was a worm on the ground, trying not to get stepped on.

Walking home I wondered how my own family had spent the fourth of july. 2 blocks away we could have been watching the very same fireworks. From the creek maybe I even had a better view.
010602
...
Alexander Beetle Watched a movie once. Hero in it, a basically nice, well-meaning guy, born and raised in an ultra-modern city. Falls in love with this sweet, pretty Christian girl from way out in the country, never been to the city except to hand out these pamphlets (or rather, to stand in the middle of a square quoting scriptures and holding a stack of said pamphlets in one hand, the other offering one to any passer-by who comes near; you never see anyone take one from her, or even glance in her direction, the whole flick). He goes out to visit her at home every chance he gets, helps out gathering wood and such, but she never lets him get close. Never flat out denies him; to her, it's just natural; hardly even has to think about it. Finally, he's out there visiting longer than he'd planned, misses the train back into the city. Goes back, explains; she's so nice, of course, you can stay, no, it's no trouble at all! So, he bunks out on the floor, she continues working her press, making pamphlets for the next day. I know, the word this is under, you already know what's going to happen, but just hear me out. Middle of the night, she's finally finished printing tomorrow's batch (if no-one takes any from her, why does she have to print more? I don't know, either...), goes over to check on our hero. He's sound asleep; she smiles and starts boiling water in a teapot for a bath; no water heater, you see. His eyes open, but he doesn't wake up; lights are on, nobody's home, as they say; watches her legs move back and forth, preparing the bathtub and the water. Starts to disrobe, only gets as far as her shirt before the teapot whistles. She moves back towards the kitchen area, past the hero; he gets up and follows after her; she picks up the teapot and turns around; he grabs her, starts forcing her onto the floor; she struggles, but our hero is a well-built chap; he manages to manages to get her down without too much trouble; suddenly, she stops struggling and smiles dazzlingly at him; his eyes clear, his mouth drops open, his body frozen in realization; WHAM! She creams him upside the head with the teapot; complete knock-out. Fade to black. Fade to hero in girl's bed, blankets snug around him; he sits bolt upright, rubbing his head with one hand; another pause, as memory catches up to him; a mad dash outside, to the train tracks; he just catches her as the train pulls up. Apologies, tumbling, frantic, tears in his eyes. She smiles again; no teapot, this time. Just, "It's okay. I understand." She boards the train and heads into town; he stares after her, bewildered. "I don't." 010629
...
Dafremen Let's not talk about that...k? 010629
...
Aimee It happened last December. I told my friends, but I didn't do anything about. I was the only there, so it was his word against mine. Andy, Arthur, Steve and Jon wanted to kill him... the girls just thought I should go to the police... I sometimes wonder if I should have let the boys kill him 010715
...
click Hollie is a lesbian. She met some boys downtown while waiting for her girlfriend to get out of therapy (she'd been raped a few years before by her father's friend) and she walked back to their house to smoke some weed. She asked for water and they brought it to her, and she didn't remember anything after that until she woke up back downtown where they met with her girlfriend frantically looking for her.

Two weeks later she calls me and asks me to go to the abortion clinic with her in fresno.

She doesn't even want to find out who it was, or tell them that she was pregnant. I feel violated for her, because she's too strong and tough headed to let it get to her.
010806
...
F. Brice Tonight I've learned,
there are girls so enlightened,
they don't ever get raped!
They just have unplanned dates.
010806
...
l o s t something worth killing over. If i ever see my girlfriends uncle i will kill him thats all there is to it. 010821
...
unhinged it's funny how violence only begets violence. after the shock wears away, there is nothing i want more than to hurt him. hospitalize him. it's funny how i'll spend the anniversary with one of the people that helped me the most. people say you shouldn't dwell, but how can i forget? i know i'll never forgive. 010821
...
Norm I walked in on a guy trying to have his way with a drunk girl once. He's lucky he isn't dead. I swear I thought I killed him. Fucker deserved it though. He'll never live it down now. Fucker. I'm glad I didn't kill him. He got beat down so many times. He better feel guilt. The fucking underground drugs illegal guys came out just to beat this guy down. Fucker. For fuck sakes. Lucky I didn't kill him. I'd feel as guilty as he must. 010826
...
Norm I knew her too. Fucker! Since back when I was a theif. Fuck. He deserved everything he got. Once, she was so pissed I brought her back home all the way across the city on my back in the pouring rain. Maybe she shouldn't drink. I'll kill anyone who tries anything like that again. Damn I'm getting worked up. But fuck. FUCKER!! 010826
...
lost i know exactly how ya feel norm. i remember one time i was walking home from the mall and i saw this guy trying to rape a chick behind the mall. well i was like 12 years old and tried to kick his ass to no avail. i ended up getting one good shot to his nuts befor he put me out by choking me. at least she had time to run while i was getting my ass kicked. 010826
...
Norm dude
I appreciate that
010828
...
l o s t no prob. 010828
...
psychobabe rape......*sigh* is really a touchy subject for some and many at that...just thinking back to it and any of it hurts. We all feel it at our own pain level and i feel extrememly happy for the guys like norm and lost who say that about the guys that have tried to rape girls...without ones like them some of us wouldnt be here :( 011002
...
Inanna Rape is the most common cause of mental illness in women. There is poetic justice when convicted rapists go to jail for rape and end up getting butt raped by some dude. Accusing someone of raping you falsely is simply wrong.
Are we humans raping the earth?
011002
...
in-sanity I mean, the whole time, I thought it was what I wanted, and is the only reason I didn't fight him off. I didn't know what to do, I lay there, like a cheap doll for someone elses enjoyment. I felt betrayed. That trust was broken. That any last thread of innocence was ripped from my body, I no longer felt who I am. All I ever watned, ended up to be my worst nightmare, and because this nightmare had been my dream for so long, I couldn't say no. 011005
...
Norm There is this guy that was just huge that came to my school this year. Looked like a huge guy and he's only in grade ten so I started pressureing him into joining the football team. At this party I'm just retardedly drunk, I see him like every 10 minutes cause I'm walking around the house and whenever I see him I asked him if he was joining the football team.

Well now to the point of the story. It turns out later that night he tried to drag a girl into the trees and rape her. At the party a bunch of guys beat the fuck out of his car and somebody told him. At school after I found out I saw him and said, in the calmest way possible "You don't go to my school anymore." He doesn't go to my school anymore.
011011
...
unhinged "i know you know what i did to nicole"

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

FUCK YOU
011011
...
Toxic_Kisses I try and pretend that part of my life never existed. 011011
...
psychobabe "heh :s...those thoughts will always be there wont they? always just stuck in that little spot in my mind..."

*chuckles nervously while playing with hands back and forth*

"no they wont be there forever, it will just take time" says the therapist

"but...i cant get rid of them, there still in my mind, still haunting me killing me slowly and.."

*trails off in midsentance*

"dear, you cant let this get to you, i'm sure it will go away" he says quietly

"You dont konw that! how can you say that?! You dont know me, i dont even know me anymore all that is left of me has died and is left in a dark corner stuck for eternity!"

*sits back and looks at hands turning red from rubbing back and forth*

"..i know it hurts but.."

"How can you say that! You werent hurt! you werent forced! you werent the one who was scared for her life that it was about to end at any moment.."

*trails off into tears, but no crys*

"i know i know how you feel it will get better i promise"

*he says while writing stuff on the paper in his lap*

"you...dont..know...you never will know...unless you were hurt the way i was, with no one to hear my crys, no one to come to my rescue, no one to care...no matter what i do the marks will remain, the dirty feeling i feel. I take showers for times on end, TRYING to wash away the guilt, the hurt, the feeling of his hands..*cringes* you will never know"

*sits quietly and drifts away into her own mind*
011012
...
distorted tendencies "I know we're not dating anymore, and I know you don't want me anymore, I guess the rape rule is in effect now."

-Silence, Averted Gaze.-

-She knows she's not strong enough to stop me, he thinks.-
011012
...
distorted tendencies So it's a fetish now? Well take me then. And do what you want. I no longer care..

Because I love you.

You rape my emotions now, no longer my body.
011223
...
Toxic_Kisses Raped
Yet again

This time @ lest it was a stranger, not some one I knew looked up to and trusted, @ lest this time their weren’t any mind games attached.

6:00AM The Tuesday after Thanksgiving 2001
It still feels so completely unreal.
Mom tied up in her bedroom me striped in the hall
Him frustrated bc he can't fit
You know I thought it was only attempted rape bc he didn’t actually enter me, found out the other day I was wrong
It’s still considered rape
Even after I searched for my moms wallet he tried yet throwing me to the floor
This time in a diff position
*shakes her head slightly*
Even talking about it I simply feel nothing; I lack feeling of any kind
They say I'm still in shock
I hope so
He tied me up as well w/ the thing that hold my robe closed and I lay there
Necked
I hope the realization of what's happen never hits me; It would just be too much.
011223
...
Mahayana: Zakah: Sangha Jewels of Refuge so much [2 say] with forever immoveable tongues talking about not much 2 show
with [hidden bodies forever] more layers upon layers of [nothingness] that [no-one will ever] come 2 [know]'in so much to hide with so much to lose

[2 say hidden bodies, forever nothingness, no-one will ever know]


[so] much 2 say
with forever immoveable tongues
talking about not [much 2] show
with hidden bodies forever more
layers upon layers
of nothingness that no-one
will ever come 2 know
'in so much to [hide]
with [so much to lose]

[[so much 2 hide, so much 2 lose]]


so much 2 say with [forever] immoveable tongues talking/ about not much 2 show
with [hidden] bodies [forever] more/ layers upon layers of nothingness that [no-one] will ever come 2 know/ 'in so much/ to hide/ with so much [to lose]

[[[forever hidden, forever no-one, to lose]]]


[same fucking story, different ways 2 say it & release, say it & release, say it & no fucking release, same fucking story different
sister/brother/friend/lover/stranger/who???come again???
story different
same fucking release, fucking no & it say, release & it say, release & it say 2 ways different, story fucking same]
011224
...
cube I've always advocated castration for convicted rape offenders - one testicle per offence ought to do it.

Geldings are much calmer than stallions
...
011224
...
lovechild no words to say, only tears to cry and blood to flow.
lucky it was never me.
but who i am, it might as well have been.
011224
...
ClairE I'm crying.

Please talk about it.
011224
...
Stupid Girl I don't know if it counts. He and I were just messing around...I let him get me partially naked. The lights were out...I wasn't really turned on, it was my first time really doing anything other than kissing somebody. I remember kissing him, him fumbling around, and touching my breasts slightly. Then I remember burning pain. A lot of it. I was stupid. I keep telling myself that. I was fifteen years old, he was a friend. Obviously I wanted it right? I didn't say no...in fact, I remember thinking.."oh shit oh shit oh no this isn't happening..oh well..it's over and done with.. can't go back..might as well see what this sex thing is all about.."..and I remember pain..and waiting for it to be over..then this kind of hazy sitting there, looking around nervously after throwing my clothes back on, calling my mom and asking her to come and bring me home. Sitting in my room and wondering if that made me a slut..and why not? the kids at school called me a slut..I must be one..I didn't stop him, I didn't voice anything.. I just layed there. 020108
...
Valerie Solanis Valerie Jean Solanas was born to Louis and Dorothy Bondo Solanas.

Her father sexually molested her; sometime in the 1940's her parents divorced, and Valerie moved with her mother to Washington, D.C..

In 1949 Valerie's mother married Red Moran. Rebellious and stubborn, Valerie disobeyed her parents and refused to stay in Catholic high school; in response her grandfather whipped her.
020115
...
unhinged i feel horrible when i come here
because i know what it feels like
i've felt most of these words
in my own mind
i could have ruined his life for
what he did to me
but some pain is better hidden away
in blue pages
tucked inside
and when i actually find someone
who understands that everytime
i see a piece of him
in that person
that some part of me hates every single one of them
because now i can't get the word out of my mouth
what's the difference?
he didn't listen
why should they?
that person i will stay with for a very long time
020115
...
Casey I dont want to even go there on this one. People aer so fucking stupid and assholes and creeps and I fucking hate them all. 020115
...
krobby I had a bad day, and there you were. You looked into my eyes and asked what was wrong, claiming that you cared about me and wanted to help. When I started to cry all you could think about was your self. How could you have done this, with my parents upstairs. You held me down, for the first time in my life I was completely helpless. And now I have to live my life with that? That 5 min. of pleasure for you has ruined my faith in people and in myself.
Well, I'm not going to let you win. You will not rule over my life, you are nothing to me. Nothing is all you will ever be.
020120
...
shadow i guess i never new any better...
i thought all fathers were supposed to do that.
he said he was teaching me.
i was so young.
i don't even remember the physical pain, only the terror of seeing his face in my bedroom door.
i would pretend to be asleep and he would just lift my nightgown up... did he really think i wouldn't tell...
i hope he rots in hell!
020120
...
pralines&cream I want you so bad that I don't care whether you rape me, romance me, tie me up, drag me to bed by my hair.
I want you to hurt me and to disregard what I think and think only to gratify yourself.
Be mean, be rough, be violent, hurt me, use me,
I am your instrument of pleasure.
I want you so bad that I could rape you.
I just want you, now,
and here,
and hard.
020211
...
blown cherry I'm not saying I've never had thoughts like that, because I have
but pralines&cream, did u actually read
anything written on this page?
Entries like yours do not belong here.

This page belongs to the sufferers of
a pain I cannot imagine, and hopefully
will never know.
020211
...
pralines&cream i didn't read the entries before posting, but it doesn't matter anyway. I sympathize with victims of rape in this world and on blather. But my blathe about rape is whatever I want it to be, and yes, i could have put it on a "rough_sex" page, i could have put it on any other page, but ... I wanted to call it "rape," so "rape" is where I put it. As a blatherer, that's my right. Blather_is_blather is blather is blather.

:)
020211
...
eklektic flat on my stomach. my face in the carpet. my dress around my waist. that song played on the stereo and it was like he was trying to go with the music. it was slow. and the words were beautiful. but all i can feel is his shaggy hair on my neck, as he kissed my ears and told me i was beautiful - tears and all. 020330
...
misstree carry them with the rest of the stones, these little half.... whatevers...

young, so young, a little whitebread girl from the suburbs starts going to the rocky horror picture show... i was fourteen, he was twenty-one, we should never have dated... he waited... but there was a constant feeling of waiting, of a serpent poised, ready for you to move so it can react... once it started, it wasn't always my choice when it happened... things got intense fast... then my parents found out we'd been dating, and i broke up, and started dating a knight in shining armor...

only he had a "hyperactive sex drive", he claimed it came from too many porky's movies as a kid... when we slept next to eachother, i never knew what i would wake up to... i tried over and over to explain to him why this was wrong... he said he just couldn't resist, and sometimes i liked it... but i was always scared...

finally, after 6 years, that trails off... i live, i carry all this with the rest of the stones... i move to new orleans... leaving pirate's alley, i run into someone i know, a good friend of good friends, one of hte few i thought i coudl trust... we talk, smoke... i fall asleep on his couch, as he sketches a picture of a sleeping demoness... i was in goth garb, fishnets and high-split skirt and low cut shirt, horns, boots... he does little things as i fall asleep, rearranging an arm, nothing bad... i wake up to hands where they shouldn't be... i was trapped... i couldn't wake up all the way, his hands kept going and kept moving and inside i pounded against soundproof glass, screamed and drowned and couldn't move... his hands shifted me, and when i felt something that wasn't his hands finally something clicked just enough, and i threw him off of me, almost like someone turning in their sleep. i was still, not quite sure what to do. he put his hand on my leg, and i said something to him, not moving. he denied he had done anything. i told him it was bullshit.

i had nowhere else to go, so i slept there that night. the next morning, he wordlessly let me out (you needed a key for the bottom gate).

two days later, half the french quarter knew about it, with a standing invitation to anyone to come talk to me or ask me about it. he admitted, and tried to apologize, but i wouldn't let him. i used the intricate political and rumermonger web he was in (the tarot readers, vampires, and goths... if anyone can talk, they can), and he shaped up much of his life because of it. it really smacked him in the face what he had done.

i've since hung out with him, talked to him, smoked with him. i dated someone who did damn near the same thing to me, and this person at least changed.

and, well, what's one more stone.
020330
...
mae she wrote him a letter
"how safe" she feels
as he patrols the night

she wrote in the letter -
did he want to go out?
how forward she is

she signed her letter
with an XOXO, curvy lines
a wink and a smile

they read his letter
sent before he arrested
this flirty curvy wink

she said he had raped her
she said he had done wrong
she said he was guilty

but they read the letter
they can see;
hell hath no fury
as a love letter scorned
020426
...
mae I wrote that because of a news story I heard tonight: the officer arrested a woman (charges undisclosed) who coincidentally (?) wrote him a love note, asking him out, telling him he was sexy and basically was being a flirt; very foward. She said when he arrested her, he raped her as well. My friend says that you can't do that in a cop car because of the seats. The news highlighted the sections in the letter where she was being "forward." He's a deputy. The news says it's very uncommon; did they say unprecedented? Well, what a surprise: there have not been very many incidents in which police officers have been charged or accused of rape? Well, I just can't imagine why not! ;-! Rape is someone taking the power of another in a way that binds the spirit and body to violate both - it's a matter of power!! How many policemen DON"T fill that role perfectly? 020426
...
lo it's always there under the cover of everyday living. someone being sexually abused. when you drive or walk the streets during your day or night remember that. someone out there is being scarred for life 020426
...
Sailor Jupiter "A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed."
- Henrick Ibsen
020722
...
Toxic_Kisses Oh and just az an up date for those curious we went to trial over this Mon Tues and Wen of last week, it took the jury 12 mins to decide the guy who raped me was guilty and than 8 mins to decide on giving him life in prison!! Not olny that but this case made front page news for every day of the trial! (And no thay diden't say my name) 021126
...
megan ...Taking The Slave...

Burn her eyes, without hope of understanding them.
Kiss her mouth, that you may fathom its strange tongue.
Indulge in her brown skin because it reminds you of mother.
Rape her mind, because it is not your own,
but so sweet, so familiar.
Like coming home to a native land
your pale and inbred hands can only faintly fathom.
030223
...
Dark Crucible Oh, boo hoo. You got raped, because you were drunk, or high, or you thought the guy was cute. It's your fault. If you were stupid enough to put yourself in the position, you deserve it.

If I don't find true love by age 30, I'm becoming a rapist.
030325
...
Diamond Rape, if you arent talking about statitory or however its spelled, is involuntary. No one, no matter what the situation may be, ASKS to be raped. (If they do, its not rape duh) Im sorry but anyone who posts something like that deserves to be rammed repeatedly up the ass without lube! Just because someone gets drunk doesnt mean they deserve to be raped. And thinking someone is cute has nothing to do with it! Its not the victim's fault some guy cant control his urges.

There is NO excuse for rape. Go take a cold fucking shower and jerk off, dont force yourself on a girl who doesnt want you. Thats pathetic and disgusting.
030325
...
Aimee okay, I will realize that you may have said that in order to get the response I'm going to give you, and if that was your intention, I hope it makes you happy. But, if you're serious about what you said, I seriously hope you think twice about it.

I was raped 3 years ago. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't high, I was on no behavior altering drugs whatsoever. I didn't think I was putting myself in a compromising position. I was raped by someone I worked with who had volunteered to tutor me in psychology for school. He tutored me for about 3 or 4 months before he assaulted me. I went over one day after getting a perfect score on my final. Since one of my finals involved a presentation, I was dressed up. Unfortunately, I wore a short skirt. Maybe that's what encouraged him.. doesn't matter, I don't wear short skirts anymore. I came in, told him my news, and thanked him, he grabbed me and tried to kiss me, I said no, I'm not interested in you, in that way. I'd rather be friends. He shoved me against the wall, pulled my knickers (underroo's) off and proceeded to "fuck me" as he put it. I, of course, had a much different word for it.

Rape isn't just someone having sex without your permission. Yes, that is the text book definition, but it's much much more than that. It's someone entering your body, without invitation. If one man can do that to you, what's going to stop another one from doing it? I felt cheap, guilty, and distrustful of almost every guy I'd ever known. It doesn't just leave physical bruises, but psychological wounds that never fully heal. I still have nightmares... somedays I wish I had had my judgement impaired, cause then, maybe I wouldn't remember it quite so vividly. But no, I can remember every single detail down to the scent of his nasty unwashed mouth, and the sound of my ripping knickers. I can remember the radio playing Black Hole Sun by soundgarden, and then Man that you Fear by Marilyn Manson... how oddly appropriate for that song to resonate during that act.

If you're having a difficult time of grasping this, imagine your sister, or your mother or your best friend (of the female persuasion) being raped. My male friends still aren't over that, and my brothers aren't either. My father wants to kill this man, and my husband wants to do it with his own bare hands.

Rape is not just sexual rape. It's the rape of your ability to trust, of your ability to love, of your ability to think and concentrate. And the first time you make love to someone after it... is almost as painful as the rape itself.
030325
...
alex angel i woke up from a deep drug-nap just before dawn one morning a long time ago to find two of my friends raped by a third. The hangover nausea giving way to the sick feeling of finding out the rumors were true.

what happened afterwards is a blur, i can't say anymore about it than that
030325
...
phil I hear a lot of people saying it feels like it's their own fault. I guess they feel that way because they didn't do anything about it. 030513
...
. . 030825
...
minnesota_chris Nearly 12 percent of the women who graduated from the United States Air Force Academy this year were the victims of rape or attempted rape in their four years at the academy in Colorado Springs... (New York Times) 030829
...
misstree penis = power. men are always the agressors, always the dominant gender. a woman has to fight in order to be heard or seen as equal. the rage that builds in some, the greed, the dark thoughts twisting and nurturing themselves, the self-delusion... if i had my choice of punishments for rapists, it would be 12 hours on a rack, with me, and a room full of toys. they'd know what it's like to feel powerless and humiliated, to be an object, less than an animal, less than meat. they'd know the secret fires that burn in women's hearts, burn hotter and harder because of each day's struggle. they'd know that next time, they will be left for dead.

sex can be a million things, can be passion, love, joy, bitterness, sadness, rage, there are more flavors of love than flowers in a prarie. but it should never be torn out of someone. that is shitting in the sacred place where all things are possible, shitting on the most primal pairing, the union of male and female. it is shitting on the cause of their own existence, it is petty and mean, and it is an example of what i believe to be an Evil act. (see: evil for rant).

to those who have been through it, my god, use whatever strength you have, hell, use some of mine. it will always hurt; but the hurt will dull with time. and, once you can, "use the pain and sorrow to fill you up with power." -bjork. one fuckhead's actions do not change the nature of your soul, no matter how much it feels like it. the best way of showing your defiance is to move forward with ferocious pride.

makes me want to start trolling the frat_parties with a prybar in my hand.
030829
...
oldephebe I read this entire thing, and i went through the entire range of emotions - outrage, sadness, horror, fear - for my sisters and female friends, and even women i'll never meet, resolve to censure andy firends who begin objectifying a woman and allude to what they'd like to do, umm this page should be made required reading for any male entering puberty - sure it's a litttle rough but if it can snesitize him against violating someone - well then pretty much worth it - i have no words to really add to this, no words to surmize or encapsulate this anguished confessionals - i really like misstree's approach - i will read this several times - for guys out there - listen we really have to get a clue and stop dismissing or judging women so blithely, so narrowly - we have no idea what they have to contend against every day - dudes, wake up - when you hear other guys objectifying women, or sharing their latest conquest, stand up for the women - tell 'em man that ain't cool - gender peer pressure - bah - it starts with one voice brave enough to contend against peer imposed expectations - honouring a womans sovreignity, her strength, her individuality - now that's keeping it real for real for real for real -

later
...
030829
...
nomatter this is the saddest blather page in existence 030926
...
smurfus rex i can never know what that kind of fear truly felt like for her, for you, for anyone who has gone through this.

i can never understand what it's like to live with such memories.

i can only hope you don't hold that against me, because i really have no other intentions besides helping you.
030928
...
silentbob You know, the more i think of it, the less i tolerate rape.

--SNL "larry king live"
031007
...
whome I went to a rape defense lecture once, given by a professor/philosopher/martial artist. He gave us a lot of psychological tips, like, "Say hello. Humanize yourself."

More usefully, he told us that ramming your fingers into someone's eyes is a very useful self-defense technique. Also, you can squeeze and twist his balls. I've heard that that can kill a man. If someone ever tried to rape me, that is the tack I would most likely take.

Statistics:

1 out of every 3 American women will be assaulted in her lifetime.

1 in 4 college women have either been raped or suffered attempted rape.

You know all those prison jokes about watching your ass? Well, it is true that "one in five male inmates reported a pressured or forced sex incident while incarcerated. About one in ten male inmates reported that he had been raped".

But it is important to remember that FREE WOMEN MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS ARE IN MORE DANGER OF RAPE THAN MEN IN PRISON.

Still, 1 in 33 men in the United States has experienced an attempted or completed rape in his lifetime. That is more than you'd think, isn't it?

I've also read that once upon a time, back when white colonists and Native Americans were constantly at war, many (most?) Native American tribes did not rape the white women they took prisoner. When these women were rescued by white men, they often ran back to the tribe. Whites, on the other hand, like to put captured native women into corrals and mass rape them. Maybe it's a

culture thing.

So maybe we can change it! There is an organization at my school called SAFER: Students Active For Ending Rape. I wonder if there are other organizations like that.

In the U.S., 1.3 women are raped every minute. That's 78 rapes per hour.
031105
...
REAListic optimIST my grandma told my mom that if she was ever raped, she should just lay back and enjoy it. and she meant it. 031105
...
misstree there's a group called "take back the night" hereabouts. and boys wonder why, after they have had to be clobbered to get them to stop hitting on me, i never really relax with them afterwards. i know where beasts lurk. 031105
...
marjorie In the summer my ex boyfriend broke into my home.
He brandished a smith & wesson pistol.
He had me hold the bullets
Before holding me down executioner style in the living room
After that... less pleasant.
But I can still see his eyes
When he asked, "Have you ever been raped before?" and to my "No"
"Well now you're going to."
Maybe he should have just killed me.
I can't feel
any
more
except
pain
031204
...
chocolatte to all good and loving, bewildered men -
racism is born from negative experiences with a person from a particular group. your brain tells you they're not all like that, but your experience is burned in your mind. rape is much the same. i know it doesn't help much.

pathwrat - just because you forget what the word means doesn't mean it goes away.
040108
...
chocolatte what could bring a person to do this?
what psychology would make it possible for a man to make such a thing acceptible in his mind?
can women do it to men?
to each other?
could any punishment, or retribution, ever come close to this abuse of humanity?

castration?
040108
...
tyger Someone a while back complained that all the women he knows are afraid of him just because he is a man. There are some very valid reasons for a woman to be afraid of men. Here are just some of mine:

1) Because at age 15 when I had too much to drink at a party, my boyfriend convinced me to lose my virginity to him (can you say impaired judgement???) and then promptly forgot to ever call me again. (Does wonderful things for your self-esteem and definitely makes you think twice about ever trusting a lover with your heart or body again.)

2) Because when I was walking down the street at age 16, all of 105 lbs, minding my own business, some asshole decided it would be fun to follow me, scare me, and attempt to sexually assault me. I hope I broke his nose when I hit him and knocked him down on the sidewalk. I wasn't raped that time because for once my quick temper saved me. But I know I could have been and now I am wary of strange men on the street...

3) Because every time they survey college guys about rape, over 50% admit that they would commit rape if they could only get away with it.

4) Because I have been pushed to the gray area of date rape by several men I have dated in my life. I had to escalate the situation to the point of hurting one of them to make him stop. (Note to these men: I liked you and I wanted to kiss you. But I wasn't ready to trust you with my body yet. And I guess there was a good reason for not being ready, huh?)

5) Because when you are attractive, too many men look at and talk to you in a sleazy and sinister way, not a nice admiring way. (and don't say it doesn't happen - every woman out there knows what it's like to get the "danger" vibe, even if other people say they're crazy.)

6) Because of grouphug.com - look for all the posts that say things like: "I love her, but she's ugly so I just fuck her and leave" or "I knew this fat girl who was desperate so I let her give me a blowjob" or "I stole my girlfriend's underwear/money/heart" or "I slept with her sister and her best friend. She doesn't know yet" or "I lied to this chick and told her I wanted a relationship but I really just wanted to fuck her" etc etc etc

7) Because too many men have been cultured to believe that emotions are inappropriate - leading them to lie about their actions rather than face an emotional scene with a woman. This does not promote trust or faith in a relationship. And if you're a woman who has been exposed to this behavior too many times, well, it's hard to take anything a man says at face value or want to bond with him or to not be emotionally afraid.

8) Because I moved to another state with a man I loved and trusted and thought I would marry, only to find out when I got there that he had been pretending to be a "nice guy" the whole time and had really asked me to move with him to separate me from my friends and family. He abused my cat, destroyed my possessions, told me I was nothing, and pushed me around. To get away from him, I had to leave the house with nothing and live in a terrible ghetto apartment where I was terrified for my safety and had to step over drunks and drug users on the stairs every day coming home from work.

And no, I'm not the kind of girl who "lets" other people hurt her. I don't have low self esteem, dress slutty, think its ok to give other people my power or any of those other psychobabble things that people say so they can feel justified blaming the victim.

I'm just a normal woman. Maybe even tougher than average - I can't imagine people who know me suggesting that I am an easy pushover for those who would victimize me(I'm a martial artist, for one). And if these things are true for me, imagine what happens to other women. And don't ask anymore why even women who "know you" are afraid of you...
040109
...
ashamed turns me on. How disterbed am i? 040109
...
jeni rape fantasies are more common among females than one would think, though it tends to be one of the deeper darker secrets. just because someone has such fantasies does *not* mean they actually want to be raped. it's a powerlessness game, and in one's own thoughts, there's still the neccesary safety and consent elements. 040109
...
Eowithien I should be perfectly safe from it, especially where I live and the people around me. They tell me theres no way it could happen.

Why am I so afraid that it might? It doesn't make any sense and just writing about it frightens me.


I need more adventure in my life. Maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid.
040110
...
me she never again saw men
children
baby boys as anything other than the monsters they could become
040124
...
closet ballerina sometimes you get to a point where you realize you should have said 'no' a long time ago, and feel too stupid to say it so late.

Say it anyways.
I've been through that, i'd call it borderline rape because i do feel partly responsible. afterwards i wasn't comfortable with sleeping naked for weeks.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone to stop.
040124
...
jenny enny dots Is an exceptable reason for an abortion. 040125
...
Kitten Rape is something you never forget. It takes away every last piece of your soul. I can't even have a normal sexual relationship because of what that arsehole did to me. It takes me days to prepare my mind to actually have sex, it exhausts me.

I was 16 when he raped me, he was 27. What kind of fucked up idiot thinks its ok to force feed a young girl drugs until she collapses, the rape her twice. Sometimes I think I'm quite lucky that I wasn't fully conscious, as I can only remember snippets of what happened. The smell of the carpet, the wetness between my legs afterwards, fading in and out. Two weeks later, photographs of that night arrived at my fiances work. Photos of me being raped. That nearly destroyed him, we split a year later after 4 years together.

I often wonder if the rapist remembers what he did, if he keeps copies of those photos, if he's married with kids.
All I know is that I can't bear to even hear his name without having a panic attack, and it happened 7 years ago.
040126
...
jenny enny dots my heart goes out to you, kitten. It must have been more horrible I could ever imagine. it is one of my greatest fears. i think it would be devestating for me since sex with a loving person is often very painful for me. my thoughts and prayers are for you. you did not deserve such a thing to happen. 040127
...
jenny enny dots my heart goes out to you, kitten. It must have been more horrible I could ever imagine. it is one of my greatest fears. i think it would be devestating for me since sex with a loving person is often very painful for me. my thoughts and prayers are for you. you did not deserve such a thing to happen. 040127
...
jenny enny dots my heart goes out to you, kitten. It must have been more horrible I could ever imagine. it is one of my greatest fears. i think it would be devestating for me since sex with even loving person is often physically painful for me. my thoughts and prayers are for you. you did not deserve such a thing to happen. 040127
...
jenny enny dots desparately sorry for the duplicate post.... 040127
...
anonymous -_-

I don't get it. I know in my heart if Jesus existed he would give me a clue. I am not talking about some old book with scary stories - I mean he would really get down with me and chill!

But the funny thing is...
I was walking home a few days ago passed the ghetto and three guys pulled me into an ally so deep and narrow it was like a tunnel. When I saw the first guy start to unzip his pants I just drop to my knees and started praying. Oh GOD! Oh GOD! oh GOD!

He just looked down at me and pulled out his nasty weenie and said - yah grl that's jus wherr I wans ya ta b. Then he tore at my t-shirt until my breasts where exposed. Then pinched my nipple soooo hard with a twist I almost fainted.

I could smell his stinky crotch as he pulled me near. I wanted to scream -- but all I do was whisper. No lord, please no.

Then I heard a whoop whoop cop car thingie sound and saw a bright light shine at the end of the tunnel. Next thing I knew they all ran like roaches when you turn on the light.

OK so -- it was no burning bush but it sure saved mine! Perhaps I'll have to reconsider this thing called faith!

-_-
040218
...
kermits_perfect_rainbow_/^\ i can only vaguely rememeber. i was at my grandma's house in her bedroom. i was with my uncle. he was telling me how much bigger i was how much older i looked ( i was only around 5 or 6) i remember not liking the way he looked at me, and i desperately wanted to leave the room. but i didn't, and thats all i remember. but everytime i think about it i know that there is something terribly wrong with that memory. i saw him again recently. he told me that i would have to come over and see him, and he would do nice things for me. i hated the look on his face i knew what it meant. but at the same time i got a little excited. i havent gone to see him tho. maybe some things are best left alone. 040229
...
holly scars aren't supposed to be torn open again.

but it did happen. twice.
040308
...
kermits_perfect_rainbow_/^\ it makes me sad how many entries there are on here... 040314
...
DaMon "By no one else was I touched there before...Except maybe my mum." She was talking about her belly button to someone who touched her there. Everywhere.
.
.
.
Is it supposed to feel good?
.
.
.
Was he supposed to listen when she said no?
040520
...
DaMon. She never told anyone. Now she puts it on blahter hoping that it would take away the intensity, the importance of it.
She didn't know it then, didn't know what was happening. She was not even three.
It makes her think of sex as disgusting and she cannot understand why the world is obsessed with it.
040520
...
elegance Damp grass under back.
Doesn’t the moon look grand tonight?
Slosh alcohol stomach world spins.
Doesn’t the moon look grand tonight?
His breath heavy on me.
Doesn’t the moon look grand tonight?
Hands down panties.
Doesn’t the moon look grand tonight?
Fear-parched mouth mumbles “nononononofuckingNO”.
Does it anyway.
Doesn’t the moon look grand tonight?
Grand moon. Grand moon. Grand moon.
040611
...
(yann martel) "I don't know why they call it rape. To me it was murder. I was killed that day and I've had to drag death around in me ever since, a roaming greyness in my colourful interior; sometimes it's my stomach that's dead, sometimes my head, sometimes my intestines, often my heart." 050809
...
iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl i wait to type


then freeze

still to painful.
not even actual rape.
still the shame just pours, relentlessly when i open door number 3.
i can't talk about this.
can't even talk about him without burning with shame and guilt and hating him.

________________________________________

im just waiting to see when all the males i know stop trying to force me into bed, because that's all they seem to want from me in the end.

________________________________________

no, nevermind, i have nothing to say.
050810
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twisted_existence he said he wanted to wait until marriage, and although i felt differently on the matter, i didnt press it.

we kissed, we faught, we laughed, we cried, we learned, we lived, we loved.

and eventually, he changed his mind.

"we're going to get married one day, so then or now, what difference does it make?" and i was the happiest child alive.

it really was the most beautiful thing, and although it may sound trite, for a few brief moments our souls danced hand in hand on some higher plane of existence.

when we got back to school, we couldnt look each other in the eye without smiling, blushing, giggling, brushing our fingertips across the other's cheeck and lips. in thruth, we'd breathed life into each other!



had i known what hed done with her two weeks before, i might still be a whole today. but i guess ill never know.

i gave myself to him willingly, eagerly, wholeheartedly, but how was i to know that i was also giving him permission to rape my soul?
070601
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Ouroboros the trauma of a penis being forced into me. the trauma of my body frozen in inaction. the trauma of the weight of a man's heavy body over me. these are irreparable. there is no way to unknow. 121107
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Ouroboros I forgive you! I hold nothing against you. I only want the best for you, for you to be happy and fulfilled and surrounded by friends and loved ones. I have only the highest wishes for you and your life. I really hope you forgive yourself. 131224
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Ouroboros I forgive you, and think I should do what needs to be done so you don't do this to anyone else ever. 140320
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