quiet_realizations
unhinged he shatters the peace in me. i obviously need to work at that more. but i am reminded of milarepa ; how many years of solitary confinement in a cave before he could be at peace with the world in the world.

all emotions are pain.

even the love i feel for him can and will dissolve into pain at any second. if it is unrequited, unspoken, unaccepted....my stomach curls up in a knot, my vocal chords snarl, my heart skips a beat.

when you are with someone all the time, it is hard to see how much they mean to you. his pain stops my breath. i am so afraid to tell him the truth because my fear is directly proportional to how much of my heart he occupies. if he didn't or still couldn't return my feelings, i would be devastated. i can't be devastated right now. although i've been saying i'm looking forward to my time out of town, it will be hell without him. just one entire day of not seeing him was hell enough.

all products are impermanent. the good and the bad will pass away. all that is left is the vessel of my heart. he loves me, he told me so. i will not be discontent by degrees. so much conditioning, it creeps back up inside me. maybe though, someday the rain will applaude us and the quiet love we've made (sic ray_lamontagne )

i want a cuddle_bug. the difference between physical love/affection and lust is startling. but, you can have one without the other. you can most definitely have physical affection without lust. me and frank did it everyday for almost two years. that's all i want with him. to give and receive real hugs upon greeting for the first time and leaving for the last time everyday.

i am slowly changing my reality. not getting exactly what i want from him doesn't upset me for as long because all products are impermanent *shrugs*

things change *snap*
061218
...
sab and early morning realisation
home_is_where_the_heart_is

and suddenly the storm clears
061218
...
unhinged i guess that means i can't take compliments from you
because i want them to mean more
than they really do
i want them to mean that
you're in_love with me too
070115
...
unhinged trying to stop my heart from loving you is like trying to stop the flood. my heart does what it will.

i love you. if you asked me to be with you, i would quietly grab your hand. but until you ask, i can only assume you already have what you need from me.

until you ask, i'm on the open market.
070208
...
i feel sorry for myself its so sad to be alive today
despite the sadows
that on my floor the bottle on my window cell
casts from a happy sunshine
on the happy winter sky.
for they tell me 'dream until your dream comes true'
but my heart feels dry as the wind outside
without a lover
or anyone by my side.

i fear i may be lost forever,
that i have tried in vain
to be somebody
and feel something else than just
pain
and regret.
070208
...
unhinged i have been single for most of my adult life because i refuse to have change imposed on me by someone else.


that seems to be the second thing people do in a 'relationship.' try to mold the other person into exactly what they want. that creeps me out a little bit.

i refuse to submit to that. there is nothing wrong with me that isn't wrong with almost everyone else. if you don't like the way i take a shit, go watch someone else shit.
070210
...
pete . 070210
...
pete quiet and insular, learning and learning, a little more each moment, but never more than before, it's strange, but it makes some sort of sense, somehow i'll get it, and somehow this impending doom will be narrowly averted, and my eyes will light up, to the freedom on the other side, and surely a moment will come, in the rainbow deliciousness of night's noon, that, yes, in the end, rambling, ramblers my friends, we've won 070210
...
nom there_is_no_spoon 070210
...
unhinged my seasonal affective disorder along with my strep_throat along with my pms are making my wrist itch.

i just want him to hold me. but i am afraid to ask.

i am such a stubborn stupid stupid girl to think that i can do everything on my own. when deep underneath, i want a partner, the other side of my coin, to help me be what i can't be alone.
070220
...
unhinged i don't know how to ask for help 070415
...
unhinged i need help 070415
...
sameolme What kind of help? 070415
...
unhinged help staying sane
help being happy



warm weather would help immensely
070415
...
u24 everything_passes

... on both sides of the coin, unfortunately.
070415
...
u24 but if it makes any difference for you to know it, I've regarded you with respect for many years... 070415
...
unhinged real_hugs would help too *sigh*




but once again, i'll have to make do with words. thanks u24
070415
...
kuffsleeve wot time is it ?

is it a quarter past real world ?

why did they give me a yellow pages full of trees when there is yell.com ?
070416
...
Oxygen huh ?

anyone got an answer to that... ?

now theres "WE" Nintendo... but the TUDORS are still cutting trees down !

whats the use of the net if it wern't to replace the trees?

breath, we all need to .....
070416
...
pete slowly, quietly, sinking in, breathing out, relaxing and ending up fuzzy and numb. slowly, slowly, slowly. i need to go slowly, keep the breaks on and not speed down this hill, but too much breaks and a crash, though too much speed and i also crash. slowly, slowly, slowly.

yeah, i remember i danger of crushes now.
070417
...
falling_alone this has nothing to do with me, and this has everything to do with me. 070417
...
unhinged you made your choice. now you have to lay with it. 070702
...
swears the misfortune for what? we all need quiet. 070703
...
unhinged now when i cry i think of the kiss he placed on each cheek, like maybe he meant them to heal the pain after i told him i needed hugs like his 071006
...
unhinged there's no one around here i can talk to about it, my echoing_thought ; i would be dismissed as weird or horrify people.

we were in the kitchen making breakfast and he had a boxcutter (exactly like the one i used to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from) and they made some crack about cutting themselves. inwardly, i winced. outwardly, i hope my practiced indifference came through for me again.

i didn't have to talk about it; we just had wordless_conversations and plenty of hugs. quiet understanding and physical healing.


i wish you could get a perscription for hugs. real ones.
071007
...
Ouroboros http://tinyurl.com/28h2gk 071007
...
minnesota_chris is the hug deli man wearing any clothes under his apron?!? 071007
...
Holadios I am already half-departed from this life and into the next. 071007
...
Lemon_Soda heres a no good virtual hug *hug* 071008
...
unhinged it's not 'no good'
it's just not AS good
but it's appreciated all the same
071008
...
somebody i_know that i_love_you 071008
...
pete this is as good as it's like to get, and i don't mind 071009
...
unhinged all the pillows in the world can't replace you





i have a serious ball of nameless fear in me lately

it is impossible to be overcome with sadness in the face of small children.
child_elegance



i know it's better not to wish for what i don't have, but i really really really REALLY would like to have someone to hold me, to have someone to fully lastingly love me, not just lust after me for a short while. the older i get, the more bitter this need to have a partner gets inside me. i can't help but think it's some cosmic will; that i am undeserving. self negation has always been hard for me to abandon.
080108
...
jane i'm slowly feeling like i'm about to breach. like the light is right in front of me, the water_horizon, and i'll be able to breathe again soon. i'm not drowning, nowhere close to it, but sometimes i'd rather breathe air than water. 080108
...
hsg "all emotions are pain."

not forever.
080108
...
Gus FUCK GOD! 080108
...
p that was stupid, but inevitable, easy to forgot, though the memory lingers through the surreal nights. 080109
...
unhinged no, not forever

all compounded things are impermanent
080109
...
minnesota_chris all compounded things are impermanent, except for compounded interest 080129
...
past indeed, this state of feeling is better than the other. how quickly and simply it transformed. 080210
...
LEMON SODA RESPONDING CHECK 081110
...
They call me Truth i am.... 081110
...
unhinged i am not an evil person for accepting someone's interest in me and affection. i am not an evil person for not having exactly mutual coincidence of said feelings.

but i might be an evil person for thinking of someone else when we fuck.
081111
...
unhinged (you have been the person i think of when fucking others for years now. years.) 081111
...
They call me Truth I know it wasn't going to last...but I held onto the remnants of what we had because I wanted it to. I was angry at you, but I was really angry at myself for not giving up sooner. For months I ended up being the only one that still believed in us. How strange it is looking back at it now. It was like the sun to me once. Now it twinkles and fades like a distant star lost in a sea of black and other flashing lights. 081226
...
unhinged i have wasted years of my heart on him. i should not ask him for favors. i should not get rides home from work from him. i should not hang out with him. i should not work on creative things with him.


i should walk_away from him. he doesn't even take the time to return text messages. that alone is enough proof. when i ask him for help (few and far between) he comes up with lame excuses. he only cares when he is getting something from me. i should walk_away from him.
090306
...
TCMT I thought I was finally understanding myself. I thought that I finally knew, finally found peace. But now, looking at myself in another light, I realize that I am still just as lost as I have always been.

I am just more articulate about it.
090307
...
no reason i feel sad
(also, apparently i have the vocabulary of a 5-year-old)
090307
...
past i wash against the shores of my own reality, droplets of myself are all that remain. 090308
...
danny Some things you have to wait out.
I am scattered rain but puddles group.
I stop because otherwise I won't.
I will; I am no perpetual motion machine.
090308
...
unhinged I can't live alone anymore

I can't live so far from my family anymore
101228
...
unhinged yoga loosens my heart muscle most of all

(there's a lot of sadness hidden away in there too; then all of a sudden it just all tumbles out. no wonder i ve been avoiding my yoga lately)


the world pushes on me to keep it together when i just want to be with my messy self, insides
101228
...
lg even though everything is as_it_should_be,
there is still much rebuilding to be done
as all the broken fences are mended
101228
...
unhinged when we were talking recently, i realized afterwards some of my relationship bullshit.


i don't have romantic feelings towards boys who don't need my help or boys who i have sex with. i haven't had the healthiest attitudes towards sex thanks to that asshole that raped away my virginity. and i've still been carrying that around.

i like hanging out with you, and absolutely enjoy having sex with you, but i don't think i could ever be in_love with you. *sigh*


and i can tell by the way that you look at me that i am pushing you off the cliff head_over_heels
110207
...
unhinged i've been working hard to make myself a better person, happy
and
it's working
110211
...
unhinged being single means spending money on myself and enjoying the direct tangible benefits of clothes that fit and french wine 110212
...
Ouroboros being broke makes me truly appreciate what I am able to do and experience 110212
...
unhinged i make bad choices when i'm afraid of being alone



and then i feel shitty
and i don't want to inflict my crazy
on the people i love
so i hermit myself up
and end up alone anyways

*sigh*
110411
...
unhinged me and moderation have never been friends 110517
...
Doar you and me both.

.
110517
...
unhinged its the water_signs in us 110517
...
unhinged meaningful work doesn't make you money

i want to help people that actually need my help
111222
...
re_alisma there's that helpful-people conundrum you (everyone) have to look out for: you might just be wanting to enabling and the feeling vicariously the healing of your own previous trouble and harm. You MIGHT want to help people out of traps, but it would be much better to be valued on your own merit and be rewarded for a great contribution.

And then, on the side, help people out of traps, being trapped, and being some sort of horrible trapper.

Just my two cents. Or twenty dollars. Or whatever.
111222
...
daf On our trip through the forest, we're constantly waylaid by our fascination with, focus on and attachment to every tree, bug, stick and flower along the way. Appreciate these, but in passing only. 111222
...
dafremen The true self wants experience. The ego self wants safety. The ego self's solution?

"Here spiritual self, here's some experiencing for you: have a Pringle's and a bong hit and shut the fuck up."
111223
...
daf The intellect can be our greatest weakness. You needn't ride on the back of a mighty ego beast for years to learn that this is true. The more easily we are bored, the more difficult it becomes to focus on seeing what we do not see. The more mighty the imagination, the more easily we are fooled into recognizing constructs of the mind as spiritual reality. The stronger the ego, the less likely it is that it will be willing to relinquish control.

The one saving grace of the intellectual mind, is it's constant need to know..and the possibility that this urge will lead it, through sheer curiosity, into the arms of God.
111223
...
daf I just spent the best ten dollars of my life. I'll never do it again for the best of reasons. : ) 111223
...
daf A man is being dragged behind a mule, bound and gagged, with the beast holding the rope in its mouth. 111223
...
daf A molting tarantula, as weak and vulnerable as she may be, knows better than to crawl back into her old skin for protection. A sloughed off skin is too small for what she has become; the fit would constrict and kill her. 111223
...
daf Your new skin will be hard soon enough little spider, just keep standing in the sun. 111223
...
someone who loves you round and round the wheel
up and over, around and around
and as long as we spin (in)
this wheel
gravity keeps us marble
in, round and round

(do we think its center
is our center?)

like planets round their
sun
around and around
keeping to the sidewalk
of universal ground

(do the planets think
its their center?)

then why all that crazy-free
infinite-potential universe
outside
that little wheel?
111223
...
daf Once you accept doubt, expect confusion. 111223
...
unhinged its all in the outlook 111223
...
unhinged i_love_slug 111223
...
daf When we look into the eyes of anything, even our own eyes, we are looking into the eyes of the only TRUE being. When we stare upon the face or surface or form of anything at all, we are staring upon a face of that which is the only reality. These forms do not exist at all. There is only that one true sentience. You are that, I am that. This is that, that is that. The mind in its relationship with the spirit, must move much as we move through life..from selfishness, to partnership. Then, finally..it abandons itself to the common effort. 111224
...
daf "Santa Claus isn't real."

Neither is your cycnicism, which should be eliminated from society first?
111224
...
777 the united states will become a dictatorship under mit romney. everyone will be forced to eat genetically mutated sludge and force any who question into concentration camps. 120104
...
dafremen They can only force you into a concentration camp..if you're unwilling to die for freedom. 120114
...
daf We converse with others, to avoid conversing with ourselves. This, when we need a conversation with ourselves most of all. 120115
...
dafremen I don't want to watch unhinged take a shit. 120115
...
daf We walked outside looking for love and found the world instead.

We demanded that it love us. It only rolled its eyes and walked away.

So then we begged the world to love us. It pointed, laughed and shook its head in contempt.

Finally we went back inside, loved ourselves, and the world came knocking at our door.
120116
...
unhinged .

figuring something out and doing something about it are not the same thing


i have a fiercely independent streak that runs away from commitment
120116
...
dafremen Like me, you seem somewhat committed to self destruction. Hey, gotta start somewhere, right? 120116
...
unhinged yeah, i guess so. it seems to be a genetic trait of my moms family. all the mental illness and stuff has led quite a few of us to excess and escapism.

but
In_recent_years
ive figured out a positive spin on it:

interdependence
i .e. no_self
or
every molecule of my_self
really belongs to the greater good
and
dissolving the boundaries between
the vessel and the contained
really is a good thing
120116
...
gja that it is how it is.
that i am how i am.
that whatever changes is not due to my will.
that what i will is withering. of me.
120117
...
thy i cant undo the past, but i can change the future. 120117
...
gja change it? how?
for if it is the future...
it is what it is.

Afterall
it wasnt
there before
you started
changeing it
120118
...
daf I can't undo the past. But I can find my Self. 120118
...
f well, all you have done is prove that you can build on unstable ground, it should matter to you what you do, not what i do. Now you can not threaten anyone with anything if they have nothing to break. 120118
...
thy love yourself to love others,
love others to love yourself.

repeat as necessary.
120210
...
daf There is only God. Therefore,
You and God are One. Therefore,
There is only You. Therefore,
That is You. Therefore,
Your first Thought
when greeting any form or being
or event or phenomenon should be
"That is me..that is God."
120211
...
. your words ring true daf 120211
...
. your words ring true
daf is a god
120211
...
unhinged bad choices come from fear


'may i ask you something? do you have problems with trust?'

yes. yes i do
121009
...
n o m shh!t 121009
...
. . 121009
...
REAListic optimIST I am scared of beautiful women.
I fear that they have power over me,
and that I will be unable to
reassert my own will.

This fear is irrational.
I can learn to trust myself
and my capacity to get beyond
the initial attraction mind-fuck.
121010
...
REAListic optimIST I have learned that my fear is confined to beautiful women with whom I am unfamiliar. 121018
...
unhinged if this one is going to work in the long term, i have to always be myself from the very beginning 121218
...
sunshine sometimes i wish i could make everything better for everyone. 121220
...
unhinged there are things i don't want to tell you
either
130217
...
in a silent way it's pointless to expect anything to work out the way you hope it might. 130218
...
unhinged you wanted me to play the game with you
you wanted me to fight back


i couldn't
i still can't
130226
...
unhinged it's better we ended up this way
sooner_rather_than_later


you don't have any idea
where i come from

(nerds don't work either)
130410
...
in a silent way all these years, i've been spelling it "fruit loops" when the cereal box clearly says "froot loops". i don't quite know what to feel about that. 130501
...
unhinged i'm too fucked up for human consumption 130502
...
unhinged going through life alone is overwhelming but there's nothing else to be done. i get up everyday and do it all over again.


trust shouldn't be assumed, it should be earned.
130606
...
unhinged i will not be the weapon you use against your young damaged girlfriend cause she cheated on you a third time

talk to me after you break_up; or better yet


don't
130615
...
unhinged beethoven heard music even though he was deaf


perceive beauty no matter the circumstances
130714
...
unhinged my love is a flame
in the darkness


i will not let you put it out



(being near you smothers me)
130725
...
unhinged i can forgive you but that doesn't mean i need to speak to you 130902
...
dafremen I think blather got a new provider. This page loaded up faster than a senior's diaper at Taco Bell. 130903
...
unhinged birds only sing when they're distressed 131021
...
unhinged you can love an addict without enabling them
(it's just harder that way)
131023
...
e_o_i Don't get annoyed at yourself for not doing enough, you will just perpetuate the cycle of frustration. You have found your gloves. Go outside and take in the clothes from the line and do not lament the premature death of the green peppers. (Note that only the first sentence is likely applicable to future endeavors.) 131024
...
The Resurrectionist RESURRECTION! 131130
...
unhinged my fear only creeps up when we arent together; we have spent so much time together in recent months that my kidneys thank you for the respite 140409
...
unhinged i am a lot more chill than i used to be

mantra_of_the_year
shamatha
140410
...
leahcar I'm slowly letting go of you and your addictions... My liver thanks me every day for staying away. 140410
...
the longest day people are not evil, they are not stupid and they are not so damn ignorant. people are intrinsically good.

or, at least people they don't mean to be evil, or stupid or decide to be ignorant. people are intrinsically good. the majority anyway.

i thought about this in the subway this morning on my way to work. why? i don't exactly know. maybe because my whole life i've been disappointed by humanity.
the easiest way to become a misanthrope is to live close to or be in close proximity with people on a daily basis. as in, riding trains or buses with people or walking next to them. you just get the urge to punch some fucker in the face and watch him bleed through his mouth.

ok, i'm sorry, i don't hate hate people, i just distrust the vast majority of them. it's nothing personal, it's just that .. well look around you. but that's the thing, today i got to think "maybe it's not people, maybe it's our environment" (as in the environment that we all live in. maybe most people are well meaning human beings. maybe people want a clean earth, they are not greedy, they want to give and receive respect, not racist, not bigots. maybe. maybe it's the fact that we live in such a depraved state, in an environment that's tightly controlled by a handful of real evil motherfuckers who ARE greedy and bigots and hateful human beings... maybe we are just reacting to this environment and the result is this.

i like this thought because it gives me hope that things will one day change for the good. it gives me hope that one day, we will do the right thing, as a species, as individuals. i like this thought because maybe one day we will put our energy into helping each other and making this earth, our only home, an amazing place and clean and safe place to live. maybe one day we will really thrive instead of becoming slaves of a an insane system that only gives us the mirage of success and power. maybe one day we'll stop playing the victim and wake up, you know?

that's nice, i really like that. but what will it take to realize the things that need to change and make the necessary changes? hope? a symbol of hope? what will it take? is it an idea or an ideal of what things ought to be? a single man or woman? maybe it's all of these things.. maybe it's an example, a tangible example or something that could show all of us that things CAN BE better, that we can live good, comfortable lives without destroying each other/ourselves. but what is that? i don't know.

i guess, until then we must each cultivate this 'goodness', this desire for good change inside ourselves. we must practice all these good things, quietly and humbly: respect, love, compassion.
140530
...
unhinged basic_goodness
sacred_path_of_the_warrior
140530
...
unhinged (i refrain from torturing myself with people who blantantly disrespect me now.taking the easy wayout was the worst thing you could have done if you wanted a friendship with me now) 140530
...
the longest day people that disrespect us are not worth a second of our time. unless of course, we've given them reason to do so.

for me the challenge is learning to see and appreciate the good in people when everyone is programmed to be an asshole, when the world is such a shit.
i know i lack compassion towards humanity (perhaps even myself) but i'm trying hard to see the best/light in all.

it's so much easier to be a cynic.
140530
...
unhinged the way i was raised is somewhat peculiar. magnified by the strength of my convictions, im on a path without much other traffic. discernment tells me im headed in the right direction. i will not allow others to derail me.


giving_away_love is exhausting
140604
...
unhinged i get along better with small children and animals than men. i think i expect grown men to act a lot less like children than most of them are capable 141019
...
unhinged the world is a path covered in twigs snapped into little pieces by the weight of my passing


i am bipolar. the pendulum swings from the jellyfish puddle of my suicidal depression back to the string of my anxiety wound so tight i might just snap.


i work so much the only method i have left at my disposal to deal with my illness could very well ruin the fragile little life i have built for myself. so i tell everyone off that has been pushing my buttons and isolate myself in my little burrow of depression. i smoke and drink myself into a stupor that no longer hides the knot of anxiety in my chest. i pray for the strength to avoid the more dangerous means of getting rid of anxiety that seem to be the only remaining avenue with any efficacy.


i no longer have the ability to hide my impatience. if you aren't helping, you're hurting. get the fuck out of my way.
141213
...
Risen There is such a fine line between love and hate. The opposite of live isn't hate, it's indifference. Either way, I'm passionate about her. I am not and cannot be indifferent.

I hear that her cousin died, and I want to offer my shoulder. Then again, it isn't as though they were close, and she knows I'm here, if she wanted me.

We would have loved the new post secret app. Shared it. Laughed in the sunshine.

I read her blue again. She loved me once.

She loved me, once.

Right?

Maybe she loved me twice.

The thing is, I'm still not sure how I feel. What I want.

But I know what she feels. What she wants. She's getting married in 3 months. So really, there is nothing left for me to do except move on and walk away.

It's the right thing to do. I know, because it hurts
150216
...
unhinged hope is a waste of effort 150217
...
unhinged i dont hope for things anymore. that is not as depressing as it sounds

sacred_path_of_the_warrior
perfection_of_effort
150302
...
unhinged (ha...fitting cynicism and nihilism has obviously been a struggle in recent months. i wear heart_shaped sunglasses. a goofy reminder to look for the sacred. some hugs would be nice too *sigh*) 150302
...
unhinged it feels impossible that i will ever be happy in a relationship

or

it feels impossible that i will ever find someone to be in a happy relationship with.



i must be looking in the wrong places but i am running out of places to look
150323
...
unhinged denial is a powerful force 151107
...
unhinged it is essential to invest time and energy into myself. people or things that block these investments need to be eliminated from my life.


to that end, i do not mind being single. i have spent too much time trying to build sandcastles out of bullshit.
160124
...
unhinged my debt will be paid off in less than a year

the implications of that could be seismic
170608
...
unhinged simple is not easy
easy is not brave
171022
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from