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quiet_realizations
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unhinged
|
he shatters the peace in me. i obviously need to work at that more. but i am reminded of milarepa ; how many years of solitary confinement in a cave before he could be at peace with the world in the world.
all emotions are pain.
even the love i feel for him can and will dissolve into pain at any second. if it is unrequited, unspoken, unaccepted....my stomach curls up in a knot, my vocal chords snarl, my heart skips a beat.
when you are with someone all the time, it is hard to see how much they mean to you. his pain stops my breath. i am so afraid to tell him the truth because my fear is directly proportional to how much of my heart he occupies. if he didn't or still couldn't return my feelings, i would be devastated. i can't be devastated right now. although i've been saying i'm looking forward to my time out of town, it will be hell without him. just one entire day of not seeing him was hell enough.
all products are impermanent. the good and the bad will pass away. all that is left is the vessel of my heart. he loves me, he told me so. i will not be discontent by degrees. so much conditioning, it creeps back up inside me. maybe though, someday the rain will applaude us and the quiet love we've made (sic ray_lamontagne )
i want a cuddle_bug. the difference between physical love/affection and lust is startling. but, you can have one without the other. you can most definitely have physical affection without lust. me and frank did it everyday for almost two years. that's all i want with him. to give and receive real hugs upon greeting for the first time and leaving for the last time everyday.
i am slowly changing my reality. not getting exactly what i want from him doesn't upset me for as long because all products are impermanent *shrugs*
things change *snap*
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061218
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... |
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sab
|
and early morning realisation
home_is_where_the_heart_is
and suddenly the storm clears
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061218
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... |
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unhinged
|
i guess that means i can't take compliments from you
because i want them to mean more
than they really do
i want them to mean that
you're in_love with me too
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070115
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... |
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unhinged
|
trying to stop my heart from loving you is like trying to stop the flood. my heart does what it will.
i love you. if you asked me to be with you, i would quietly grab your hand. but until you ask, i can only assume you already have what you need from me.
until you ask, i'm on the open market.
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070208
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... |
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i feel sorry for myself
|
its so sad to be alive today
despite the sadows
that on my floor the bottle on my window cell
casts from a happy sunshine
on the happy winter sky.
for they tell me 'dream until your dream comes true'
but my heart feels dry as the wind outside
without a lover
or anyone by my side.
i fear i may be lost forever,
that i have tried in vain
to be somebody
and feel something else than just
pain
and regret.
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070208
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... |
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unhinged
|
i have been single for most of my adult life because i refuse to have change imposed on me by someone else.
that seems to be the second thing people do in a 'relationship.' try to mold the other person into exactly what they want. that creeps me out a little bit.
i refuse to submit to that. there is nothing wrong with me that isn't wrong with almost everyone else. if you don't like the way i take a shit, go watch someone else shit.
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070210
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... |
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pete
|
.
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070210
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... |
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pete
|
quiet and insular, learning and learning, a little more each moment, but never more than before, it's strange, but it makes some sort of sense, somehow i'll get it, and somehow this impending doom will be narrowly averted, and my eyes will light up, to the freedom on the other side, and surely a moment will come, in the rainbow deliciousness of night's noon, that, yes, in the end, rambling, ramblers my friends, we've won
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070210
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... |
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nom
|
there_is_no_spoon
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070210
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... |
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unhinged
|
my seasonal affective disorder along with my strep_throat along with my pms are making my wrist itch.
i just want him to hold me. but i am afraid to ask.
i am such a stubborn stupid stupid girl to think that i can do everything on my own. when deep underneath, i want a partner, the other side of my coin, to help me be what i can't be alone.
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070220
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... |
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unhinged
|
i don't know how to ask for help
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070415
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... |
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unhinged
|
i need help
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070415
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... |
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sameolme
|
What kind of help?
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070415
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... |
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unhinged
|
help staying sane
help being happy
warm weather would help immensely
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070415
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... |
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u24
|
everything_passes
... on both sides of the coin, unfortunately.
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070415
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... |
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u24
|
but if it makes any difference for you to know it, I've regarded you with respect for many years...
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070415
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... |
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unhinged
|
real_hugs would help too *sigh*
but once again, i'll have to make do with words. thanks u24
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070415
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... |
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kuffsleeve
|
wot time is it ?
is it a quarter past real world ?
why did they give me a yellow pages full of trees when there is yell.com ?
|
070416
|
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... |
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Oxygen
|
huh ?
anyone got an answer to that... ?
now theres "WE" Nintendo... but the TUDORS are still cutting trees down !
whats the use of the net if it wern't to replace the trees?
breath, we all need to .....
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070416
|
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... |
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pete
|
slowly, quietly, sinking in, breathing out, relaxing and ending up fuzzy and numb. slowly, slowly, slowly. i need to go slowly, keep the breaks on and not speed down this hill, but too much breaks and a crash, though too much speed and i also crash. slowly, slowly, slowly.
yeah, i remember i danger of crushes now.
|
070417
|
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... |
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falling_alone
|
this has nothing to do with me, and this has everything to do with me.
|
070417
|
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... |
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unhinged
|
you made your choice. now you have to lay with it.
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070702
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... |
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swears the misfortune
|
for what? we all need quiet.
|
070703
|
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... |
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unhinged
|
now when i cry i think of the kiss he placed on each cheek, like maybe he meant them to heal the pain after i told him i needed hugs like his
|
071006
|
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... |
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unhinged
|
there's no one around here i can talk to about it, my echoing_thought ; i would be dismissed as weird or horrify people.
we were in the kitchen making breakfast and he had a boxcutter (exactly like the one i used to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from) and they made some crack about cutting themselves. inwardly, i winced. outwardly, i hope my practiced indifference came through for me again.
i didn't have to talk about it; we just had wordless_conversations and plenty of hugs. quiet understanding and physical healing.
i wish you could get a perscription for hugs. real ones.
|
071007
|
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... |
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Ouroboros
|
http://tinyurl.com/28h2gk
|
071007
|
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... |
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minnesota_chris
|
is the hug deli man wearing any clothes under his apron?!?
|
071007
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... |
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Holadios
|
I am already half-departed from this life and into the next.
|
071007
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... |
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Lemon_Soda
|
heres a no good virtual hug *hug*
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071008
|
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... |
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unhinged
|
it's not 'no good'
it's just not AS good
but it's appreciated all the same
|
071008
|
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... |
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somebody
|
i_know that i_love_you
|
071008
|
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... |
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pete
|
this is as good as it's like to get, and i don't mind
|
071009
|
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... |
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unhinged
|
all the pillows in the world can't replace you
i have a serious ball of nameless fear in me lately
it is impossible to be overcome with sadness in the face of small children.
child_elegance
i know it's better not to wish for what i don't have, but i really really really REALLY would like to have someone to hold me, to have someone to fully lastingly love me, not just lust after me for a short while. the older i get, the more bitter this need to have a partner gets inside me. i can't help but think it's some cosmic will; that i am undeserving. self negation has always been hard for me to abandon.
|
080108
|
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... |
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jane
|
i'm slowly feeling like i'm about to breach. like the light is right in front of me, the water_horizon, and i'll be able to breathe again soon. i'm not drowning, nowhere close to it, but sometimes i'd rather breathe air than water.
|
080108
|
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... |
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hsg
|
"all emotions are pain."
not forever.
|
080108
|
|
... |
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Gus
|
FUCK GOD!
|
080108
|
|
... |
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p
|
that was stupid, but inevitable, easy to forgot, though the memory lingers through the surreal nights.
|
080109
|
|
... |
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unhinged
|
no, not forever
all compounded things are impermanent
|
080109
|
|
... |
|
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minnesota_chris
|
all compounded things are impermanent, except for compounded interest
|
080129
|
|
... |
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past
|
indeed, this state of feeling is better than the other. how quickly and simply it transformed.
|
080210
|
|
|
what's it to you?
who
go
|
blather
from
|
