narcisstic_grapes secrets had been discovered...or so a paranoid android thought.

what has been written, remains. a new dream begins though. will there still be light? that remains to be seen.
but for now, this remains my safe haven.
narcisstic_grapes remains, remains. human remains. a skull, some flesh. blood. miniature fireworks in a place i can't see.
is that really me?
narcisstic_grapes heh.
heavenly hosts don't sing no more.
ghosts, prairie wind and a creaking door is all that's left.
dust a storm a hold it tight.
narcisstic_grapes go away.
why are you even here? to defile my space with your curiousity, poke holes in my fabric of reality and breath my air? to catch a glimpse of my soul?

here i bare my secrets, uncover the lies. there is no facade to hide behind other than words on a blue screen. will you strip that from me too? or will you wait for the perfect moment to emerge from the shadows and destroy me, little by little? to what extent are you willing to go?

begone. the dark will envelop you, unless you realise the futility of your base attempts. and when it does, i will be waiting...
narcisstic_grapes it's all over.

where do we go after this? what identities do we leave behind?

this is my life, i know no other. are there ever new beginnings?
i think of wool, of unraveling. and when the wool ends, a new piece, maybe in a different colour is knotted on to the fraying bit. nothing ever starts afresh.
i'm at the end of my wool...

alle warten auf das licht, they say. but what is the darkness is safe?
narcisstic_grapes he is here. and i am touchy once more. at least she is far away, or pretends to be at any rate.
well, i shall manage. i shall not run away...
...for the moment.
narcisstic_grapes it's all too fucking pretentious.
you, me, the world.

narcisstic_grapes having a secret love affair with radiohead. 060403
narcisstic_grapes if i die sometime, you will know why.
i hear jazz in my head, sometimes.
tricky, tricky, always that.
live, die, exist. it's one or the other in the end.
narcisstic_grapes stroke an angry cloud
some black rain

in this empty dark, who can i call mine?
the shadows
the wind
sweet nothings
i want to hear

broken smiles crumble
to dust
dreams whimper
an elegy

somewhere i stand
with arms wide open
like the song
a melodrama in myself

for you.
narcisstic_grapes this is the first step.
you aren't what i imagined you to be. i'm not how i imagined myself to be around you. something persists, though.
i don't know yet. really. we're too far apart right now.
but in my thoughts, you are with me, so i know i can hope. i dare to feel?
***r@|\|$c3|\|d3|\|@|_*** two beautiful words that constitute feelings of disdain and remorse, psychedellic_moons (parentheses that represents mindless_minds, ***+r@|\|$c3|\|d3|\|+@|_*** contemplation, dreameater) ummmm...yum! 060601
pSyche streetlamps 060601
Roaul Duke psychedellics are my favorite class of drug. 060602
narcisstic_grapes no, i don't dare to feel, because there IS nothing to feel. except for conjured up emotions, fake plastic dreams, and a hollow being. me. crabby, highly sentimental, living in a world which smothers me. yes, i'm melodramatic and given to feeling anger a lot.

or is that what i want to be?

we live in self-contractions, complications, and all that shit. me, the me i am, the me i could be, the me i hate, and the me that is unseen...they don't matter. they're just words. they don't have to mean anything.
narcisstic_grapes "the life we are living, the life we left behind." mrharrymason, lj, an eternity away.
but true, nevertheless. somewhere amongst the angst and the pretense are real memories, or as real as memories can get.

today just the five of us, not the five we used to be, but close enough. one is going away again, one is not far away but not close enough either (i'm glad for that), and the three of us remain the three of us (with me the problem, but now as things are so perfect, who cares?).

we have lived to tell our tale. distorted, convoluted, our story immortalised in unknowing souls.
narcisstic_grapes making my peace, in pieces.
happy birthday, krishna.
lies, lies, glorious lies (sinuous sonnets speak in sinful song).

much randomness, articulating me.
narcisstic_grapes 'TIS THE SEASON FOR LOVE!

...for everybody but me.
LS Don't take it personnally, for I mean no offense, but I don't think I like you. And yes, I realise you probably don't care. 060627
narcisstic_grapes too right you are. i don't.

out of curiousity, who art thou anyway?
the awful truth LS, if not meaning offense, then why would you think it important that grapes know they are disliked by you?

this is what i never fucking understood about the humans. there is this want in the human psyche, a need to bring others down. to let people know, look, i think you suck. you don't say out loud random thoughts, "i need to go to the bank," etc. when i do i feel dumb, i feel like i have wasted airspace. especially you don't say bad things about other people.

did you ever read "the ring??"
not the movie or related.

a horror story i read as a child. Kate, the protagonist, recieves a crucial ring on her birthday which is like special or something. she puts it on and it is stuck. then she realizes it enables her to read thoughts. but she doesnt like what everyone is thinking about her. she is fat she is annoying blah blah exaggerated of course. but the point remains that these thoughts can kill so why voice them??

not that i think grapes gives enough shit about you to care which i think would be a waste of shit to give. the fact remains....

why would you come into this blathe, clearly staked out and designated as grapes territory, and read it all, and think "this random person online is kind of a loser." and then WRITE IT???

how about something constructive, how about, i didnt like this one, maybe this would work better, maybe you should get some help, maybe you should stop wrtiing.

but not "just so you know, i don't like you." why do you want them to know???

who the fuck are you??????
Lemon_Soda Same as everyone else, just a person with an opinion. I never said grapes sucks or is a loser or shouldn't write i expressed how i felt after I read grapes stuff. finito. Its okay to not like me back. I don't care. Besides, if I wanted to "tear her down" I would've been alot more creative. If I DID care, I'd say your to sensitive and your outrage is equivelant to trying to make a right buy adding a wrong. Did you stop to think that I might have been offended by what grapes wrote? Am I not allowed to state how i feel? Should I have bitched a couple paragraphs about what displeased me like you did? Sorry, I guess I sort of am right now.

I don't need a good enough reason for you and I don't feel inclined to explain why I carry the opinion I do, but please, if tearing me apart makes you feel better, write on. Thas wha blather is all about to me.
LS And just to clarify something, grapes, you ARE a good writer. 060628
narcisstic_grapes i didn't feel offended by the way, LS.
blather IS about expressing what you feel. you don't need to justify it...i was just curious.
narcisstic_grapes tired.
of doing nothing.
of being nothing.
of waiting.

of sounding pretentious.
narcisstic_grapes syd.

pink floyd. someday i will.
narcisstic_grapes tennessee william haunts. there is no other word for it.

when this light fades, i will be left alone with words.
narcisstic_grapes and so it ends.
admitting it doesn't make it true, does it? but i do, i do, i do. in my own way, he is mine...and have i given myself to him?
but i romanticize. it never was, never will be. hope is a thing with feathers, but i have no use for it. feathers are for collecting in my orange box, not for wearing. there is a power in letting go, a dissolution...

five years ago, i loved with all the intensity and foolish disregard of an 11 year old. stars in my eyes, i'd like to believe. but it wasn't idyllic. it was crappy, fucking stupid, me falling with no one to hold me.
now. i don't know. it isn't worth it, not him, not me, not the world. i thought i would be solitary like N, but it's an inertial sickness that draws me back. then again, maybe not. i'm delusional.

and pretentious. but i'm allowed to be, here at least. if it allows me to get over him, anything will do.
our souls don't connect. if i tell myself that often enough, i will come to believe it. eventually.
narcisstic_grapes ugh, that was horrible. i didn't mean half of it, i was just wallowing in melodrama. never true to myself.
even if it is true, it doesn't need the emotion. its more likely that it isn't, so there never was a point to any of this anyway.
calum Being flashed on acid 060724
narcisstic_grapes a word, today. "Hey, S."
and my soul danced.
narcisstic_grapes i'm entitled to my dreams, aren't i?

but dreams devour. they become your crumbles.then it is an will not make you whole.poetry.
narcisstic_grapes i'm entitled to my dreams, aren't i?

but dreams devour. they become your reality.

what if i choose that kind of reality?

it crumbles.

what if it is better than this life?

then it is an illusion.

i want to give myself to it.

it will not make you whole.

what will?

narcisstic_grapes ah, the magic. 060824
narcisstic_grapes the music, the coffee, the head banging. and all is cordial, all is cordial. except...but they understand. i have the right to be understood. the meeting of old friends, haven't talked to them in a while. what k says, making efforts in relationships. now, i pledge, i will. because i miss them, because i will not let my angst get in the way, because we have memories together. and because we have shared something. till the end, all my life, a music binds us gently, a song in distant hearts, something i should not forget. 060825
narcisstic_grapes something, someone.

am i mistaken? this last, a bouyant hope. and i wish upon out star...
narcisstic_grapes something, someone.

am i mistaken? this last, a bouyant hope. and i wish upon our star...
narcisstic_grapes something, someone.

am i mistaken? this last, a bouyant hope. and i wish upon our star...
narcisstic_grapes something, someone.

am i mistaken? this last, a bouyant hope. and i wish upon our star...
narcisstic_grapes again. back to square one, to find i had never left it. and him, and him, and him. and a bubble of delusion, pricked, it falls.
and i hate him, hate him, hate him.
myself. claw my pain out. empty white, admit defeat. do not. i am not meant to be, someone else is. probably. the asshole. i hate him.
and myself.
LS If your always hoping for the best but looking for the worst what do you think you'll see? 060829
narcisstic_grapes nothing. and get frustrated again, and remain in this cycle, and get nowhere.

but i'm not looking for the worst. insecurity. that's what this is. and not without what i believe. and the truth is, i don't know any more. anything. nothing.
LS Recognizing that you don't know is the first step to true wisdom. Ask Socrates. 060904
narcisstic_grapes a vague aha!, while my N gently weeps... 061012
narcisstic_grapes mirror dreams, my star fades.
and i will run away from it all, and create my own magic.
narcisstic_grapes something to hold on to. scary it is, but i will find myself in it. my life has a purpose once more.
narcisstic_grapes i is time to leave this identity.

there is nothing more i have to say as narcisstic_grapes.

i will be lurking around here somewhere, but as someone else. i am not the grapes i was, and only time will tell if i can be someone else.

au revoir.
whale biting elbows, shoulders. gentleness. here documented, for old times' sake. 171217
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