casinoboyjaysen I'm sitting here on my laptop wishing that I could steal you away for a weekend again, where it is just you and I. No Van, no Eileen, no family and friends, no cell phones. Just you and me.

Van thinks I am crazy to tell you what I am thinking, but even more to tell you what I am feeling; I know that we have that type of relationship. I mean, damn, I asked you to marry me, and you burst out crying. I thought that was good until you started shaking your head and saying uh-unh repeatedly. I thought I was over it ---over you--- until I stepped away from everything, and this is what I've found:

I love you. I know it isn't what you want to see/hear/read, but it's true. I love you for who you are. I appreciate who you think you want to be, who you are striving to be. I know you don't love yourself, so you don't know what we see in you. I hate that you don't think I am sincere in this regard.

I want to be with you. When I am with you, I feel like together we can conquer the world, but alone we will fail. I wake up thinking of things I can do to make you happy, or small things remind me of you. You know what made me so certain? I heard a cheesy 80s song on the radio, and it reminded me of you. Not because you listen to it, or because we've danced to it. You sang it once, under your breath, and your voice captivated me. I could hear you above the synthesizers. Silly, eh?

I need you. Not in the sense I will die without you, or that I consume every thought with you. I need to prove to you that not all men are scum, that all men ARE NOT created equal. Not money, cash, cars, material things. All of those being precluded, I need to prove to you that some men can rise above it all and meet expectations, being friends and much more at the same time.

Jenny, I love you. I do. And you say you love me, but "not that way." That way being in the all-consuming crazy love that you say breeds stalkers, or in the romantic way you call unrealistic. Isn't love love, and when is it not enough? I am so confused and can't think straight.

Do you need time to get over the horrible things Scott did to you, or the abominations that Adam did in the name of love? Adam won't go away Jen, so waiting on that to choose someone else seems silly. He thinks as long as you are single, you're available. I would never hurt you like that, because when you cry, I do (on the inside).

Do you need to know how much you mean? I could tell you how it hurt when you said you slept with Van and "weren't sorry" or that I dated to keep you happy so that you might see what you are missing. Do you know I have a list of various ways you might get to have the baby you want, without needing me? (Except for the list, of course, LOL) Jennygirl, you are the world to me. Maybe that scares you, or intimidates you, or makes you sad. I don't know.

What is it that makes you run the other way, or cry in your sleep? What makes you sleep with the light on, and scream at people not there?
Why don't you feel you are loveable?

I don't want to control you, or change you, I just want to share forever with you. When it comes to you, it's true what they say: "Forever is not enough"

Just thoughts, no need for response.
what's it to you?
who go