painful_realization silentbob all has gone wrong and nobody cares at all 020328 ... unhinged my father my father my father to say anymore is profanity 020328 ... blown cherry so bloody alone right now, right when the world is more shit than it's ever been 020328 ... unhinged and someday we can wrap the painful_realization of aloneness around us like a dirty blanket and it doesn't hurt all that bad. 020328 ... mourninglight no realization.. I knew the whole time. 041024 ... freya a painful realization of guilt. she places a lot of importance on me, in so many ways, but i think i'd be lying to reciprocate many of them. i do place a lot of significance on her friendship, and she's a great friend. without her, life would be an awful lot paler, but it would essentially be the same in most ways. that's not her fault, she has a lot to teach, a lot to offer, a multitude of ways in which she develops and enriches those she meets, but i'm the same, and i have little to learn, little development left to do. i do it now all in my head. i'd probably be delusional if i said i'd shattered her world, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a large part of it; i think i stabilized it. i was surprized when she said she misses me. it was meant to be us two missing everyone else. everyone else who's moved on, left us two behind. then she explained herself, and i missed her a lot too, missed the way we never have enough time together and never meet often. but i didn't feel that until she pointed it out. and i'm integral to her life; she said she can't remember a way of life without me in it, even when she thinks back to before we met. i don't feel the same. i can imagine life without her, and it'd be awfully lonely, but otherwise just the same. and i don't usually miss people in that way anyway. she's so much more real than me, more grounded in the world. i'm just a bit of air, unformed and unreal, just a notion, a disembodied thought. not to her - one of the things i love about her is she accepts me as a person not just as an idea, a genius, a saviour, or anything else that makes me less than human - but to me. i don't live in the real world. i live in a world of abstracts. and i'm kind of used to this in a way. i used to help more people. i'd keep quiet while they said things like i was their best friend; i wouldn't because they weren't even a friend to me. i'm just... helpful, and kind, and people trust me. but this is totally different, because she is my best friend. one of my "best friends". one friend objected to the term because i apply it to about 6 people, and it should only mean one person. but i couldn't say there's a difference between how much this group of people mean to me, so they're all my best friend. and she's one of them. probably the one i confide in most, talk to most. definitely the one who looks after me most nowadays. she's important to me. so i guess the problem really is that it feels to me like she's not important to me because she's not as important to me as i am to her. and she tells me often nowadays just how important i am to her, because appreciation should be given and not left unsaid. it touches me very deeply, because she means a lot to me, and of course i'm happy to know i mean a lot to her too. she's so sweet. so lovely. so much so that i feel ungrateful and guilty. which is really silly really. it's like feeling guilty when you know something someone else doesn't, when they ought to know it. a bit guilty as you correct your parents, or your teachers. i feel guilty that i did a lot, more than i thought, more than i'd expected, for her. i shouldn't feel guilty for having been good to her. ooh i like writing these, i feel like i understand the problem better now and it's not a problem at all. but still it doesn't make me feel any better about today. we're normally fine at being so silly with each other, but today she was in a bit of a mood and i tried to push her to be silly to lighten her up a bit, and she didn't really go with it. and it made her feel a bit bad because i'd masked it as a way to help me with something. then she did some other things which must have been tedious and which didn't get very far to try to help me another way. which must have been annoying for her because she was tired. so i quite impressively managed to make her feel useless, stressed and exasperated when she was already tired and a bit moody. nice going there. :( so the painful realization, maybe, is that i'm only human after all. she's being saying though i'm just a person, i'm a pretty incredible one, i'm better than most and other such things, recognising in me that despite being flawed, i do a good job of things, and that was really nice of her. but i haven't gotten things wrong in a while now, i was actually pretty close to infallibility, in my own human way (ie moody, forgetful, lazy, shy infallibility), and then tonight i definitely did get things very wrong. :( 041025 ... freya actually an even more painful realization that in fact i could live without anybody in my life, i could imagine cutting anybody out of my life. and that's not anything to do with the people or how great or small an effect they've had on me, it's not just because i exist purely in my head and am very detached from the real world, it's because of that other girl who broke my heart and taught me i could even cut out the one i love and still get by. major relationship issues? me? hell no.... or maybe 041025 ... kx21 Time_and_Causality_of_Karma Chicken_and_Egg... 041025 ... suicidalchinadoll relationship issues.. dear lord.. they exist in legions 041025 ... phil I am what everone else appars to be 041025 ... Syrope it does matter it does hurt and my tears turn yellow after a few weeks in my lachrymatory 041026 what's it to you? who go blather from