open_hearted
unhinged completely shut
or
completely open



but my faith helps me crack open the door when it otherwise would have been shut, dissolving my hate and anger. open in a self_preserving kind of way rather than a self_destructive kind of way.


but often times, it's too open my heart is. too open to people that like to smash fragile delicate things with complete disregard. my heart has a completely irrational mind of it's own. i think subconciously i think i can heal the world with love. so i pick the worst_case_scenarios cause they are the ones that need it most. but, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped, change someone that doesn't want to change. *shrugs*




you opened a door
and i wish that i could shut it
070301
...
Syrope apparently what i provide here is the "girlfriend experience"

it's a form of whoring. not usually recommended for those especially incapable of separating reality and fantasy.
070301
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unhinged i too have been the practice girlfriend. the girl that teaches a boy that not all women are evil. but they value the lesson, my 'sweetness', so much that i am always reduced to the 'friend' because they wouldn't want to ruin our friendship.

pushed to the couch when i should be in the bed. regulated to the servant when i should be the goddess. but i still do it anyways, love boys that push me in the gutter. it's not their fault really that their suffering makes them blind deaf and dumb.

so i cook your food, make your coffee, bring you presents from my trip to a far_away exotic land, help you clean your house. it would be nice if i could hold your hand every once and a while.
070319
...
TrueMe Always wide open - and often getting hurt.

Lately I think I've been closing down a little bit, which is sad because I finally met someone who wanted it ALL with me. And I blew it. I wasn't open. I wasn't ready to be open again.

Maybe I'm ready now, maybe I'm not. But now we have to start over and see if it happens again.

Damn that open heart - so often getting me hurt and when the right woman finally comes along to receive it...

...it's temporarily out of order.
070319
...
. me lonely now :-( 070319
...
. me lonely now :-( 070319
...
. whats going on? 070319
...
. whats going on? 070319
...
. someone please..
theres somthing wired happening
please

this is phychotic
its what it feels like to be.
its lonely.
070319
...
. someone please..
theres somthing wired happening
please

this is phychotic
its what it feels like to be.
its lonely.
070319
...
unhinged i still walk around with a goddamn gaping heart_wound on my sleeve

(but in these intervening years i've learned that keeping my heart open is less painful in the long run than closing myself off)


the_pain_of_loneliness
stings harder_and_longer
101110
...
hsg u_c ation
heart_official_intelligence
eye_see
101115
...
unhinged open_wound


some of my favorite teachers say to lean into these moments. when your heart is sore, the insight you can gain into the nature of reality is life altering if you bother to look for it.



i hung up the phone and started sobbing. my voice escaped in raw edged vowels and tears streamed down my face til my eyes hurt. my mother could have died. by some act of god or karma, she was miraculously ok. no deficits of any kind except for possible vision problems. the shock of what could have happened pulled ugly sounds and messy tears out of me.

the knowledge hit me in the gut: i was not ready for my mom to leave. i still needed her help. i still needed her guidance. i still needed her love. she was almost taken from me.


since i found out my mom was in the hospital, i have cried at the drop of a hat. suffering is high on my radar. my heart is raw, any little thing pushes the sorespot. the past few years of my life have hardened me and all of a sudden compassion is flooding in.

i started smiling spontaneously again the other day. i will keep the walls down. i will let the love in no matter how the universe sends it to me. i will treasure every word i share with my mother from now on. my love for her knows no bounds.
150123
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unhinged (maybe it is just a natural cycle for me; my awareness shocks me into opening my heart back up because slowly over time when i am not paying attention the walls come back up for protection. impermanence has been scaring the shit out of me lately) 160419
...
flowerock. I feel less open hearted than I once was. 160419
...
unhinged 'one of the interesting things that happens both when you fall in love and when you lose love is that your heart seems to be open to everything and everyone. it's choiceless. you feel other people's sorrow and you feel their joy. in the buddhist view this is called compassion. so in a sense mindfulness isn't just about being attuned and calm and firing good things in your amygdala and so on. it's about opening your heart. that's the real use and beauty of mindfulness. it gives you the courage to be open' - susan piver 170519
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