nothing_fills_the_emptiness Photophobe I lie awake. staring out at the horrifically bright cloudy night. No stars to wish on. Its hot and cold and itchy and dirty and sterile. And nobody is awake. If I had somebody to call, what would I say? "Hi its blake. I'm just really fucking lonely. I know its 4 am, but..." I find myself hating television more and more. I can't play computer games indefinitely. I'm really fucking [over]tired all the time. But I'll never get to sleep. If I had the energy I'd go out with my camera or I'd draw or something. Playing music will wake everyone, especially if I sing. Blather isn't people. Sex isn't wishes. Time is certainly not money. Gah! I can't stop it. I'm not wallowing in misery, I just need human contact. 020320 ... blown cherry Somebody is awake, but you still hate them... 020320 ... birdmad i would have advised alcohol, but then you have drunken blurry emptiness and it isn't any better 020320 ... Mahayana if nothing fills the emptiness ¿[what is emptiness filling]? [{what lacking contents which could or should be present, are not}] perhaps steps in a never-ending process 020320 ... continuous ache the fifth tylenol pm hits my empty stomach, but i'm still wide awake...no sleep for the wicked. i think about how the safe circle of your arms was all i ever needed to fall asleep at night. you changed all of that with one angry moment. so i may be stupid enough to put myself back into an abusive situation, but i can never get those feelings of safety and contentment back. you've let me back into your bed, and i still lay awake for hours upon hours. i listen to your breathing become regular and slow, and i wonder how long a person is supposed to be awake before becoming a wacko. i thought you would make it all better. nothing helps. nothing fills the emptiness inside. 020320 ... sotto voce only nothing can fill it and still keep it empty 020321 ... Photophobe Sudafed and vitamins Keep me safe and warm. Maybe you're right, Mahayana. Maybe the emptiness should be filling. This is all there is, unless there is something else. (oooh complex deductions by blake there) What I mean is: I don't want for anything really. How can I be lonely if I can't think of anyone I want to talk to? And birdmad: I've tried the scotch in my room a thousand times, but that just makes me sadder and makes me play guitar, which wakes the house up. Plus I do too many stupid things drunk. I kinda like me when I'm sober. 020321 ... lady lunchbox i've tried, but you won't help me. i know you're only looking out for both of us... but damn, emptiness hurts so much. 020323 ... josie and it's not like i'm never alseep to be woken at 4 am. 020428 ... blown cherry at least you don't hate me anymore, but maybe there are other people you would prefer to call at 4 am, oh well I'm here anyway. Awake and full o carbon dioxide 020428 ... Photophobe as the diesel engine pulls in? 020428 ... blown cherry As the diesel engine rolls down the end of my street clickety clacking over the tracks with it's cargo of grains and cereal, while I sit in the dim blue light too lazy to open the window and slowly suffocating in my own lung exhaust. But I'm still here :) 020428 ... bc shards_of_broken_glass 020429 ... fallen hero Jesus fill the emptiness. 020429 ... Mahayana [ but waiting ] but i dont want to spend the rest of my life waiting & waiting, before you know it ill be waiting for the waiting to begin, and in the meanwhile ill have missed so many insignificant/significant events & happenings, however, here i am evermore waiting for one simple good thing to come into my life after the next, cuz it never seems to stay, ... life seems ... to be chaos with lil fragments of one great thing thrown to us here and there... to just tide us over & through the hell ... not enough to fill ... thus far enough to entice a longer stay [ waiting but nothing fills the emptiness ] 020710 ... phil the things you use to overcome your problems (it appears for the moment) usually end up becoming problems 020710 ... blown cherry heh, you actually did call me at 4am a few weeks ago, and you've called me after midnight heaps of times since. I hope I'm enough, or at least help to ease the coldness of being alone. 020803 ... distorted tendencies taking the hunger in vain 021012 ... unhinged yes, oddly enough for me jesus does fill the emptiness reconciliation fills the emptiness forgiveness fills the emptiness love fills the emptiness hope fills the emptiness faith fills the emptiness i can do nothing but pray for you when i am in church. i_love_you and once again that makes me happy. only this time, i don't care if you don't love me. i will always love you know matter how you feel about me. i can't help it and i won't fight it. it can get lonely always being on the giving end of unrequited_love but love is enough even if you are only giving and not receiving. i have all the love in the world and i would like to give it to you. 021013 ... minnesota_chris did you go to church today? I played hooky. 021013 ... ~gez~ if there is nothing there, then it not possible to fill it anyway. if there was anything there, it would not be empty. kind of stating the obvious aren't we? 021014 ... unhinged i guess i lied cause i don't love you anymore you stupid fuck 040424 ... ethereal Why do you keep looking to the wrong things to fill your emptiness? I could fill you. I love you. 040424 ... Borealis it may not be as you believe it to be 040424 ... Fierce ...except death 040424 what's it to you? who go blather from