my_tears COLDandBLUEkitty it's fucking christmas eve.. and i've spend the duration of it in my room.. crying. it's 1 am.. technically christmas morning.. and all i can think of. is how i don't want to leave this chair. i'm so scared and sad. and i should be happy. i should be sleeping.. it's fucking christmas. i have close friends that care about me for the first time in my life. but they don't really know me. and tha'ts sad. btu i'm still crying. and there's only one person that can make me stop.. and it's not john. it's me. but i can't. because i'm not as strong as you think i am. but i'm not used to crying. i don't like it. 001224 ... guitar_freak When a person realizes that nobody understands them, they have begun to understand themselves. 001225 ... Megan nobody cares about them. 001225 ... guitar_freak When you think that you know you must be wrong. : ) I used to think that, but if you really think im sure there is somebody. They may not care in an open way but they care. If you think about it, I don't know you, but I wouldn't have written this if I didn't care.. 001227 ... *spoons* i about died and killed myself. today I drove past your house and a goo goo dolls song came on. trying to wipe my tears and not hit a car i eventually pulled myself back together. so much that happened and no explanation. The school is like a big rabbit orgy of rumors. Im scared everyone and everything is falling apart. chocolate milk is screwing me over along with this nice outbreak of hives. 010112 ... elana they are always there, even if they dont surface. they make me so depressed. i make myself deppressed actually. 010603 ... forever i feel them roll down my face eveynight i have got so used to them that i can't go to sleep with out them rolling down my face. 010603 ... unhinged if you saw them would they unfurl you? do i have to bleed on you? walk to the ends of my earth and back with blistered feet and place the dream back in your hands? if any of this convinced you i would you know that dear your abuse is the sweetest love just smile at me again just be cognizant of this again some people on this earth walk around with innocence and trust and some people take it it's only the stupid people that don't take what is given to them you could not hurt me more than you already have unwittingly my tears dry by the heat of your self-imposed resistance but this heart still bleeds so many more lives could be saved by it but yours is the only one i want 010603 ... birdmad i have kept them inside, because they would't change your mind anyway so what difference does it make? 010604 ... yummychuckle tears are bad why are you crying?! I'll give you something to cry about! she said. and i beleived her. and its all self pity all of it she says. and i don't want to be like that. i don't deserve to be like that when so many people have it worse than me much much worse and its foolish of me to feel sorry for myself. those tears are all abou yourself she says to me, but not in words. so years later i am holding a razor on the verge of tears. quick!! use the razor! bleed! can't cry cus tears are bad. 010604 ... snow_angel why is it so easy to sit down and cry at the first thought of you? It overwhelms me every day and there is no way for me to possibly tell you how good we could have been for each other. I wake up and wish that last nite wouldnt have happened. i wish i didnt care for both of you so much. I dont want to be a bitch but i dont want to have to see you. it hurts when you say my name because i remember how GOOD it used to feel in comparison to now when it just fucking hurts. And the same goes for when you touch me, and make sure you say goodbye. I mean, am I on your mind or are you just trying to 'ease my pain'? you dont have to look out for me. please dont think that you do. i never want you to think im a mistake. I dont want you to be sorry for what we did. I just wish it didnt have to be this way. I want these tears to stop. I want it to be okay when Im with someone else. I want to stop comparing them to you, I dont want to be afraid to fall for someone else because I know that we arent EVER going to work out. 010604 ... Dafremen Hey Yummychuckle. Ever had a cassava melon shoved up your ass? ME either, but I bet it would hurt a lot more than words do. Yep, given the choice between being yelled at and having copious quantities of cassava melon shoved up my ass, I think I'll pick verbal/mental abuse thank you very much. Oh my precious little Libra girl, don't cry, you're too strong to let the world walk all over you like that. 010604 ... Sol are my blood cleared, the release, they scorch and burn, clear the mists from my mind and clear my eyes. Taste of blood, smell of blood, warm from my body and pain. I didnt cry because of you, its funny really (except the tears into my helmet as i rode away, but they dont count especially as they almost killed me, making the soft fabric scratch and tear at my skin tear/tear every thing is clear as august morning. cool and warm, worming its not real anyway, so why does it hurt? mental pain Is so much harder/easier to overcome. My antidote is found but not for me. like flame it forces its way out of my eyes. it gives away its heat, to the eyes of the people watching. I couldnt have seen the truth the blurring hid one truth for another, whic is more/less true. its a simple saline/organic solution. the sun burns it and turns it to shining track (give it away give it away) but they warm my soul, I forgave you in minutes. 010604 ... lost a stream of salty oceam running down my face and crossing mylips i can feel them go across my chapped lips and burn at the cracks of open flesh. they taste like salt and have slight traces of opium a depressant. I let them run into my mouth to hurt by your actions to close it. too dumbfounded by what you did to care. I cried so much i became dehydrated and layed there until i just couldnt cry anymore. I layed there thinking why did you do this? why? how could you? she had to know how much i cared i told her everyday. I layed there. when out of the corner of my eye i saw a noose i made. I had only made it to put on my wall a decoration, but now it was coming into use. I slipped it around my neck and tightened it i felt myself slowly drift. at some point i fell and the noose snagged on my dresser loosening it. the only reason i am here today. that happened about a year ago. I am grateful that i didnt die. Now i am happy with myself and with almost everything around me. now i am with someone who actually cares and wouldnt do anything as selfish or heartless as you did. I sometimes wonder why i didnt die that day though. and sometimes almost wish i had, and then i come to my sense and realize that its for the best. 010604 ... florescent light these few drops are not enough to distinguish the 5 feet and 21 years of burning rage 010616 ... fuck up frustration brings tears. it's the emotion taking over all sences. 010617 ... lady lunchbox i woke up this morning thinking about what might have been. the tears came quickly and with such force that he stirred next to me. when the pillow was wet with my tears, i flipped it over and tried to go back to sleep. i didn't want to wake him and tell him what was wrong. i just wanted to forget it all and make it go away. and it never goes away. tomorrow morning will be the same. 020216 ... Miffey everyone that I know you shed weighs on my soul. I know it was me that caused them. I know it was me. Every tear you shed kills me just a little bit more. I'm sorry. 020217 ... lady lunchbox funny thing... all this time and i don't cry anymore. 030806 what's it to you? who go blather from